Who should go to MIL's funeral?

[Pebbles574]

MIL died recently (not Covid19 related)

Funeral is restricted to 6 people. We are going to have a bigger celebration of her life later in the year.

4 direct relatives are clearly going:
FIL
DH
DH's sister 1
DH's sister 2

Options for the remaining 2 spaces:
Me
Grandchild 1 (our DC1)
Grandchild 2 (our DC2)
Sister 1's DH
Grandchild 3 (their DC)

Sister 1 lives in same town and saw MIL regularly (as did her DH/ DC)

We live a couple of hours away.

Any thoughts? For the record, I am extremely relaxed (not offended if not me etc.) They are quite a close family.

I think your dc2 should get the opportunity to go if they want to go, over supporting partners (such as yourself or SIL's husband).

I don't think adults should automatically be prioritised over children, as they need the opportunity to grieve just as much, and in these restricted times I see a partner's attendance as a luxury when they'd be taking up a blood relative's place.

You can not dictate who extra your inlaws decide take out of your Sil’s family. So I’d consider one space available. It sounds as though your dc2 would get the most out of this. I’d send her. Yes it is sad that your dhs mother has died. And ideally you’d all be there. However life is different atm. It sounds as if she had a relatively long life for with adult children, he is no spring chicken either. Imo those, who most want to go should go. You could wait in the car and support your dh when her returns perhaps.

TBH, I'd do just the 4 direct relations so there's no picking who was closest. And the funeral directors I'm dealing with for my dad have said that the current funerals are even more difficult than usual due to everyone having to be so far apart, and all the other changes, so even for young adults, I think its better they don't go, and the memorial later is the 'real' funeral where everyone can be together.

You don't have to have 6 just because that is the limit, your first 4 sounds right.

The thing about "only the four" is whether they all stick to it - it might be upsetting to give up the opportunity on that basis and then find someone takes more of their family because after all "the spaces aren't taken".

Just the 4 mentioned. Won't the others need to look after their kids?

Is there an option of live streaming it? We had DH Nans funeral on Monday and the live streamed it so we could all watch at home with only children (and partners) of the deceased Actually attending. We all sat at home with our kids, SIL watched from Dubai and elderly friends of NaN who are socially isolating also watched from home.

I hope you come to an amicable arrangement. My husband and I have already told my grown up kids that if either of us die during this crisis we would like a direct cremation, nobody there, and some sort of memorial when it's all over.

81Byerley - that's what we are doing for my dad. My brother and I decided that him driving an 8 hour round trip and 4 hours for me to look at each other would have resulted in dad shouting at us both about the pointlessness of it

Hmm.. the responses here show how difficult it all is.

Just to answer a few questions:

• no live-streaming available.
• no option of 'just the 4' as in that situation SIL would automatically bring her DC and DH
• Just me and SIL's DH is not an option, as SIL has said she would bring her DC before her DH (but if we didn't fill the 'extra' space then she would bring her DH as well).

It sounds to me as if DSil and her dc/DH are much more invested in this than us (DH excluded) and I'd be happy to 'give up' our places for her, but I don't want DH to be offended.
He is a difficult bastard sometimes and would likely say 'do whatever you think best' but later sulk that I hadn't been there for him.

I think you should go. What your SIL does with “her” space is up to her. Go and show your respects, and support your husband/each other.

You and whomever SIL wants to bring either her husband or child.

Why don't you and dh see your dc2's attendance as more important than yours if they want to go?

Locally they are allowing 10 mourners but in your situation I would say the two spouses of her children should go to support their partners (assuming mil had no siblings)

category12 - I do, he doesn't. I've already said if either of our DC want to go then they can go instead of me.

If your Dh is going to be upset it’s better that he does it with you there rather than DC2 who will then have to deal with her grieving dad and her own grief.

Go with DH - leave it to SIL to decide who she takes.

If it isn't possible for all grandchildren to attend, then none should.

Who would you FIL like to see there?

I would also prioritise supporting your own DH if he is making “noises” but unable to express himself.

He might need your support more rather than having to support your DC at the service.

'Support' at the service will be limited as everyone has to sit 2m apart (even same household apparently).

It's grim.

If it isn't possible for all grandchildren to attend, then none should.
Says who, though?

I actually think Dsil's DC has more reason/'right' as they have seen/visted Granny every week of their life, as live just around the corner.

I will talk to DH again though.

Not wanting to drip feed, but I've now had separate texts from BOTH DSils saying how sad it was that "we can't all get together" for the funeral. I haven't said anything to DH, but I got the distinct impression I was having my expectations managed...?

but I got the distinct impression I was having my expectations managed...?

Don’t let them do this to you all.

Let your DH decide. It is his DM.

support will also be the lonely journeys each way.

Yes - I think I will tell DH it's his decision. I will go and support him if he wants. If he wants to give 'my' place to DS2 or DSil's DH then I will be fine with that.