Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable??

54 replies

kcnmptn88 · 31/03/2020 22:39

Hi all

So, my OH is usually pretty zen but is under a lot of pressure at work atm so has been v stressed out. I'm not working due to the coronavirus outbreak so I am at home a lot.

I struggle with anxiety and depression for which I am being treated but the change of routine has really thrown my depression for a massive loop and I am struggling to find motivation to do anything, but I try my best.

So, this evening my partner and i were messing about and it obviously got too much for my OH who told me I was being deliberately annoying and did I really think it was necessary during this epidemic.
I didn't think I was being annoying so said so.. my OH then started shouting at me to get out of the bedroom and go and sleep downstairs. When I said no, my OH forcefully grabbed me by the arms and tried to pull me off the bed. When I fought back, my OH said "if you dont leave now, I will drag you out. Trust me".

So now i am downstairs and wondering why it all happened.
It isn't the first time, I've had clenched fists, things thrown at me and have been threatened with a punch because I've been "annoying".

I know I'm hard work sometimes but surely I dont deserve this :-( my head isn't in the relationship any more but my heart is.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 01/04/2020 02:18

If someone was continually annoying me on purpose even though they knew I was under extra pressure at work and I wanted them to stop, I wouldn't feel like they had much respect, care or love for me. OP, what were you doing to annoy him?

If I were annoyed at him, and assuming I could, I would not manhandle my husband, nor would I force him from our bed. Were I angry, I would go sleep on the couch, not move him there by force.

This definitely is abusive, and I don't think some things here that posters claim is abusive, is.

boydoggies · 01/04/2020 02:44

Interesting how both previous posters have chosen to ignore my sentence stating that this does not excuse manhandling.

Why is that???

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/04/2020 02:47

Interesting that you felt the need to ask OP what it was she did to annoy him when it doesnt excuse what he did or change the fact she’s in an abusive relationship so isn’t relevant.

Why is that???

Winterlife · 01/04/2020 02:52

Interesting how both previous posters have chosen to ignore my sentence stating that this does not excuse manhandling.

Because it is irrelevant to the manhandling, or forcing OP out of bed.

I once had an argument (verbal) with my husband that made me so angry, I went out for a walk. A dog being walked started barking at me, as she could sense my anger. Her owner was perplexed at why her placid dog was barking at me. But you know what? Despite being angry at him, I didn't abuse my husband, neither verbally nor physically. He was just as angry, and he didn't abuse me, either.

You either believe abuse is justified or not. Your question, despite your subsequent "disclaimer", makes it clear what your position on this is.

boydoggies · 01/04/2020 02:53

Juan, why do you choose to mock?

Winterlife · 01/04/2020 02:54

Juan isn't mocking you. She's pointing out that your question was irrelevant.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/04/2020 02:54

Boy, why do you choose to ask irrelevant & derailing questions?

Winterlife · 01/04/2020 03:13

I don't think some things here that posters claim is abusive, is.

OP, I meant in general on the forum, not in your case, or in anything you posted. I do believe what you are putting up with is abuse, and you are correct, you don't deserve it.

Lynda07 · 01/04/2020 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SharonasCorona · 01/04/2020 07:58

I'm guessing @Lynda07 was born in 2007. Run along little girl, go back to home school with mummy and daddy and let the adults talk.

Dery · 01/04/2020 09:35

@kcnmptn88

“It isn't the first time, I've had clenched fists, things thrown at me and have been threatened with a punch because I've been "annoying".”

This man is not ‘zen’. You need to let your head take control here and look after you and your heart. You are clearly in an abusive relationship and this behaviour will get worse not better. He’s showing you his true colours. No wonder you feel depressed and anxious. This is not acceptable behaviour no matter how ‘annoying’ you’ve been. I also suspect ‘annoying’ may mean not simply doing what your OH tells you to do or not backing down when he thinks you should. But even if it doesn’t: my DH and I get v annoyed with each other sometimes and there may be shouting but he doesn’t manhandle me or physically threaten me, no matter what. And I can be bloody annoying when I put my mind to it, as can he. You say you know you’re not always easy. Guess what - no-one is. That doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

The government has made clear that women can leave a domestic abuse situation despite the lockdown. You need to do so. This guy could seriously hurt you or worse and now is a bad time to need medical attention for any reason. If you possibly can, speak to your family and arrange to return to them.

As other PP have suggested, you might want to call the police to explain what has happened and why you need to travel. Don’t let your OH know what you’re doing. He may be fine with it but abusers will often ramp up their violence when the partner tries to leave. If at all possible, pack and leave while he’s at work. You can leave him a note if you want.

No doubt he treats you well some of the time and he may start love-bombing when he realises you’ve gone. That’s all part of the abuser MO. The real test of a relationship is not how good things are when everything’s going well but how bad they are and how your partner treats you when things aren’t. He’s willing to use violence against you and is therefore dangerous and no use as a partner.

Get away from this relationship. Your anxiety and depression will without a doubt be alleviated if not gone entirely. And maybe do some reading and therapy to work on raising the bar on the treatment you are willing to accept in a relationship. You might find ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood a particularly helpful place to start because she explains how the drama and chemistry of an abusive relationship can be addictive and how to wean yourself off.

Original poster
kcnmptn88 · 01/04/2020 10:41

Hi all,

Thank you for your helpful, and non helpful, comments.

With regards to my terrible grammar and perceived overuse of the word "so" in my original post - perhaps some level of understanding could be granted as I was sitting downstairs, alone, wondering why it had gone so far.

Anyway; I've had a long night of tossing and turning, trying to establish what I actually did wrong and it was most likely because I reacted to when my OH said something along the lines of "I'm dealing with an epidemic at work, while you sit here and do nothing". That obviously stung a bit as I'm not out of work through choice RN. I think when that comment was made I probably became a bit obtuse and that obviously pushed buttons and caused the reaction.

I was still downstairs when my OH left for work this morning and not a word was said. I just really don't know what to do. Any time I try to talk to my OH about the behaviour, I get dismissed or scoffed at for using the word "abusive" or somehow told that it was my behaviour that warranted it. :-(

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 10:44

My ex also blamed me for his loss of self control...
Leave today op.
Or CV will be the least of your worries.
Imo.

Greenkit · 01/04/2020 10:47

While he is at work, can you pack up your stuff and go.home to your family?

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 01/04/2020 10:48

I just really don't know what to do.

You do pet. You’re just afraid to take the step. You know you need to leave.

Any time I try to talk to my OH about the behaviour, I get dismissed or scoffed at for using the word "abusive" or somehow told that it was my behaviour that warranted it.

Of course you do. He’s never going to admit he is abusive. You’ll never get that from him. You need to stop waiting for him to agree that he is abusive. It won’t happen. But the abuse will.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 10:51

"pushing me to the point of no return" were my exh's fav words as he smashed up our home.
Your life will plummet to a similar level if you stay op.
Nobody should feel fear in their own home.

Dery · 01/04/2020 12:07

@kcnmptn88

The real point - and what makes this relationship abusive - is that whatever you did wrong, it did not warrant this response. Just as whatever you did wrong previously did not warrant clenched fists, things being thrown at you or being threatened with his fist. Those are very good ways to keep you in check and make sure you behave the way he wants you to, aren’t they? And no doubt, when you moved so far to be with him you left behind friends as well as family, which in turn makes you more dependent on him and more vulnerable to his abuse. It’s deeply unhealthy.

He of course will not agree that he is abusive. He will always put you in the wrong. You can’t fix him and it’s not your job to do so. I suggest you read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ And make plans to leave ASAP.

Dery · 01/04/2020 12:19

Here’s a link to Why Does He Do That which the author has kindly made available on-line in order to help protect women in your situation:

www.pdf-archive.com/2016/09/25/why-does-he-do-that-domestic-violence/why-does-he-do-that-domestic-violence.pdf

Original poster
kcnmptn88 · 04/04/2020 01:18

Hi all. Me again.

We had a huge bust up again tonight. My OH I'd adamant my behaviour caused the reaction so it is my fault.

I can't do it anymore. I've packed a bag, will sleep downstairs tonight and go to my mums in the morning.

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/04/2020 01:23

Good for you OP!! Right decision.

Winterlife · 04/04/2020 01:40

I agree with Juan. Absolutely the right decision. You don’t deserve this treatment. Remember that when you think about reconciling.

SharonasCorona · 04/04/2020 03:29

Great news OP! Here’s a line in a book I just read:

‘Well, it’s like you’re saving your energy for something. Holding back. But it doesn’t make any sense. Life is one-way, and there is no return trip. What are you waiting for?’

looondonn · 04/04/2020 03:57

Get out ASAP as I'm maybe 5/6am if you can

This is a very dangerous time

I speak from experience

Well done and I'm sorry you went through this

timeisnotaline · 04/04/2020 04:13

Good on you op, take what you need. You are perfectly allowed to drive to leave an abusive man.

Aussiebean · 04/04/2020 06:38

Well done op. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread