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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don’t know what to believe

39 replies

Whoopsadaisy1 · 30/03/2020 00:52

My fiancé and I have been together for three years and are getting married next year. I love him dearly and believe he loves me. We’ve gone through a couple of rocky patches in the first couple of years but have been pretty happy for the last, hence getting engaged and planning our wedding.

One of the reasons we hit a rocky patch was because I found out he had slept with someone else roughly five months into our relationship, something he denied until one of his best friends drunkenly told me and he finally admitted it to sleeping with her four or five times. It upset me a lot but we moved on.

A couple of days ago, he’d had a few drinks (so he was tipsy but not blind drunk), we where chatting about the future and I said how far we’d come since the woman (I was being nice and positive) and his attitude changed. When I asked what’s wrong, he said that he’d made a mistake, that it was the beginning of our relationship...he then carried on with “I’d just got into sales, I was doing a lot of stupid things. You’re not going to like this but I was sleeping with a lot of women then, I was a different person” I was slightly gobsmacked at the fact that he’d got into his sales job around six to seven months into our relationship. We argued and I went to bed. When I asked him the next day how many people he’d slept with, he said just the one I knew about. When I asked why he’d said what he did, he said he was drunk and that it was rubbish...

I don’t know what to believe, I know it was ages ago but I feel hurt and don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 30/03/2020 00:54

I think you do know what to believe. You understandably don’t want to face it. Don’t marry this man

Aquamarine1029 · 30/03/2020 00:57

Were you exclusive when he slept with that other woman/women? If so, you're knowingly marrying a cheater. Not a course of action I would recommend.

Longsight2019 · 30/03/2020 00:57

Agreed. Time to form an exit strategy. After lockdown.

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 30/03/2020 01:01

Do you in your heart of hearts trust this man completely? Because you need to if you are going to marry him.
If you don't now, then it's time to call it a day on this.
He wouldn't have told you about that one affair if his friend hadn't told you.
Surely you deserve way better than this OP.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 30/03/2020 01:02

Don't marry him

AnyFucker · 30/03/2020 01:05

In vino veritas

Onacleardayyoucansee · 30/03/2020 01:06

The least damage you will get away with is the damage you have got today.

It will continue.

Sounds like he gas a drink problem.
He's dishonest.
Disrespectful.
Unfaithful.
Dont put yourself through it.
A single life is better than this shit.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/03/2020 02:02

If he was like that in the honeymoon stage of the relationship what do you think he's going to be like after 10 years??

The drunken man's truth is the sober man's secret...

Wait for someone who is marriage material op. This one is not it.

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2020 04:36

Don't marry someone who can casually admit to cheating on you then try to deny it the next day.

CtrlU · 30/03/2020 04:54

He doesn’t respect you. Certainly not enough to lie to you, cheat on you and be so blaśe about it.

Dump him.

Without sounding of or line here OP; I get the feeling you are way more invested in this relationship than he is. I feel like you just want to get married (maybe possibly because you feel slightly left out or you feel it’s the next step in your life you HAVE to do) and so your excusing his behaviour and believing what you WANT to believe. You know the truth though and you don’t need ya to tell you that.

Good luck

You have only been together 3 years and the first 2 was rocky so I’m unsure why on the third year you thought a marriage would solve everything.

I’m sorry if I sound blunt OP x

FlowerArranger · 30/03/2020 05:03

Cheating in itself is a horrendous betrayal, but I think there's more to this. Let's see:

I love him dearly Why? Be honest.
and believe he loves me. You believe? But you're not quite sure?
We’ve gone through a couple of rocky patches in the first couple of years What else, apart from the infidelity?
but have been pretty happy for the last, Only pretty happy? Why, what does this mean?
hence getting engaged and planning our wedding. Are you sure that this is what you really want, or are you just eager to settle down, even if it's with someone who is just good enough ? (Also look into sunk cost fallacy...)

I just get a sense that, quite apart from the cheating (and the lying about it!!), your fiance might perhaps not be the one. Where is the passion, the meeting of minds, the excitement about embarking on a joint life, to be together for the next 5 decades or more...

Sadiesnakes · 30/03/2020 06:18

You sound very laid back for finding out your df has slept with multiple women whilst in a relationship with you...

What is it you need to be told? That he's a lying cheating scumbag? Surely, surely you have enough sense to see this yourself?

I actually despair sometimes.😩

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/03/2020 06:46

Is he still in sales? I am sorry to say this but high pressure sales environments are hotbeds of casual hookups, IME.

If you are someone who requires monogamy, I'd look elsewhere TBH.

category12 · 30/03/2020 06:57

Sooo, you "got over" him cheating on you with one woman, but it turns out that that he cheated on you a lot.

You have two roads ahead of you. I urge you to take the path of short-term pain of break up rather than long-term underlying misery of staying with someone you can't trust.

GilbertMarkham · 30/03/2020 07:50

All I know is every time some devastated woman is on here posting about her cheating husband (who she now has children with) ... She very often says she forgave cheating earlier in the relationship.

I understand you'd want to believe it was a phase (even if it was it's still something a lot of people wouldn't get over or continue the relationship due to) .... But you're taking a big risk that it wasn't, that it reflects his character and that he'll repeat similar in future.

And now you know he's capable of lying to your face about something huge - watching you "get over" him cheating with one woman while he knew there were others.

He's a poor bet for marriage and long term happiness, a risky bet. I'm sorry.

You might be better cutting your losses and looking for a new partner. Three yrs is not actually that long in the scheme of things. It takes a couple of years to get to know someone really well, he wasn't showing you great stuff in the first two yrs and now that you've forgiven cheating and apparently it's been going better, you've found out worse.

"I was in sales" - HmmConfused what's it going to be next.

You can still have integrity no matter what job you're in (was he dependant on shagging people for sales - is he some kind of male prostitute? (Irony obviously)). He doesn't have any.

Itwasntme1 · 30/03/2020 08:27

Leave him now - before years of heartache.

He feels like he has the upper hand in this relationship and treats you like crap. Walk away. That’s what you would advise a friend.

AnduinsGirl · 30/03/2020 08:30

A future with him will only bring you heartache. Christ, the first few months are when you're supposed to be all over each other, stupidly in love, on cloud 9, etc. And yet he knowingly put his dick in other women then came round and looked you in the eyes....
I could never, ever accept this, no matter how "exclusive" we may or may not have been.

Sicario · 30/03/2020 08:41

Marriage is hard enough without going into it with a lying cheat.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 08:43

Marriage isn’t a sticking plaster.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 30/03/2020 08:45

Oh op, I mean this kindly but you've only been with this man for 3 years, and by the sounds of it at least 2 of them have been shit. For at least 1 of them you either weren't exclusive or he was unfaithful. A relationship that is only 1/3 happy and 2/3 faithful is not a relationship to base a marriage on. Time to cut your losses while you can.

SpyApp · 30/03/2020 08:46

He risked your sexual health by shagging other women and not telling you. That's how highly he values you.

Value yourself more and don't settle for this loser.

thethoughtfox · 30/03/2020 08:47

You do know what to believe.

BananaPlant · 30/03/2020 08:49

His drunk mouth is the truth, you know that.

Bluepeace · 30/03/2020 08:50

If a relationship is that difficult in the fun period and he can't keep it in his pants then, do you really expect him to be faithful in marriage? After children? When the going gets tough? Save yourself a lot of heart ache and get out now.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/03/2020 08:54

It upset me a lot but we moved on
WTF did you move on?
He's a cheat.
He cheating in the honeymoon phase.
This will not get better.
You know exactly what to believe.
Stop burying your head.
You will never trust him fully with very good reasons.
Time to value yourself more than this!