Hi. I seem to end up on this site with answers to my many questions, but this is my first post. I apologise in advance for the long post. It’s such a long story and can’t even scratch the surface here. I’m hoping for some impartial views on my relationship situation, as really just don’t know who to turn to, or what to do. I have a girlfriend, who I’ve been with for over 15 years, and 3 children between the ages of 5 and 13.
I’m very much in love, and really would do anything for her, but I’m convinced she just doesn’t feel the same about me. I’ve approached her about it a few times, and she assures me I’m wrong, but I’m absolutely not convinced.
For many years (too long to remember), any kind of intimacy has been a real chore for her. She will never initiate any intimacy with me. If I try kiss her, she pulls away; if I hug her, she pushes me away. Sex is almost non-existent – and is only ever on her terms. The problem is, if I raise any concerns about basic intimacy, she tries to turn it into an argument about sex. She accuses me of just thinking about sex. If I try to explain that just a hug would go a long way, she bites my head off and tells me I only want a hug so I can push for more. She appears to use sex as some kind of weapon. She claims she’s not interested in sex or intimacy anymore and tries to make me feel like a bad person for needing some intimacy in a relationship.
I have tried to be patient with her, but what makes this completely unbearable is that she feels that it’s ok to chat, sexually, with other men. For many years (at least as long as the lack of intimacy has been going on for), she dips in and out of dating sites.. Now I’m not sure she’s necessarily met anyone (although do have high suspicious that she did a number weeks ago) – but the messages she sends are so sexual, and I even caught her doing a naked video chat with a man, some years ago – even though she won’t even take her clothes off in front of me.
I’ve approached her many times, but she just says that these other encounters are just meaningless – something to pass the time. She says so many sexual things to men, and sends inappropriate pictures etc. I actually tackled her about it the other week and she assured me she loved me, but just wanted to ‘have the power’ over these men she doesn’t know (kind of sounds a little weird). She stays up until 4 /5am in the morning, some days, just chatting away.
I feel like I’m being taken for a complete mug. In my head, I don’t see how she can have much respect for me if she consistently behaves like she does – but she says that there’s nothing wrong at all with what she does, as she doesn’t actually meet them (although I’m 99% certain she did a few weeks ago). I can’t help but think she’s just staying with me because it’s comfortable and she doesn’t have to worry about money or bills (as over 95% of the household income is from my work), as well as for the sake of the kids. But she’s clearly looking for excitement elsewhere. I try to get her to talk, but she never wants to talk about it, and just says she’s happy with things. Yes, sex lacks a lot these days – but after so many rejections over the years, I’m just too scared to initiate anything with her and can’t relax if the opportunity arises.
Am I being unreasonable, not wanting my girlfriend to have sexual conversations with other men? Is it ok she won’t get intimate with me, but will with other men on dating sites?
I feel I’m being naive by believing her and want to make our relationship work. But I can’t do it all on my own.