Sensitive husband

[YaThink]

My DH is a great guy and I love him to bits but he is incredibly hard on himself. He works on his family farm and works ridiculous hours leaving us barely anytime together.

We've almost been married a year and I'm starting to feel like I get very little out of our marriage compared to what I put in. Currently It's a busy time on the farm and as a farmer he's classed as a critical worker so working away long hours. I'm working from home.

I spend the day on my own working from home atm but also doing all the house work in between and make sure dinner is ready for when he comes home. I also do all the DIY which is happening at the moment on my own after work and at weekends. He comes back from work with barely any conversation and is the shell of a man I know he can be. Sex is out of the question as he's too tired. Unless it's around the time I'm ovulating as he somehow finds the energy for that as we are trying atm. which really makes me feel like crap. It makes it seem more of a necessary chore rather than something he wants to do with me.

I'm now lying here in bed while he snores away after another disappointing Sunday thinking why am I doing this. I clean up and look after him like his maid and I certainly don't need him for financial reasons. Our sex life is terrible, I dread to think how bad it will be when we're not trying for a baby. In the past when I have started to tell him how I can sometimes feel, he just cry's and says 'I know I'm a rubbish husband, I'm shit etc' until he's inconsolable and then I always feel terrible and it ends up being me who apologises and taking it all back.

I don't want him to just cry about the problems I want him to do something about it and stop neglecting me.

Well put of having a baby for goodness sake, if it’s bad now imagine you with a baby full time, it’s. Hard time now but after this is over, have a break with family or friends if you can yes he’s working hard but so are you, he must realise marriage has to be worked at, sorry not much help.

@Holothane actually that's more helpful than you think. I do need to fix this first.

Hang 9n there either he’ll realise he must change or you’ll leave, I had this at 7 years married he was depressed no sex I felt like a housekeeper, we talked over the years our health got worse so now we have no sex but we appreciate each other and we help each with little jobs, he’s trying to get diagnosed for Parkinson’s I have arthritis and registered blind, last year 3 in one operation for victrioctomy detached retina and second lens replacement it had dropped. So yes this can’t go on, hugs.

He's working very long hours at physically hard work. He sounds genuinely exhausted.

Could he get some help on the farm, or is that out of the question? ( Aside from the lockdown period obvs.)

To clarify, I think you are being harsh on him, but at the same time I can see why you're resentful. Did you know what you were getting into when you married him? I'm sure he could change a little, but I don't think he's going to radically change any time soon.

You could try and see if he's willing to make the serious changes you need (cutting back his hours/workload a lot somehow, somehow trying to get more energy, helping out a lot more at home). But I don't think its going to happen to the extent you need. Perhaps you should consider leaving him before you have kids.

I went out with a farmer and it really is a tough exhausting lifestyle. It wasn't for me (we discussed marriage) and I left the relationship. However if I was married and loved him I would try to sort it out. Maybe (once this covid thing ends) you could trial a separation and get back only when he is willing to hire someone or cut back. This is no way for you to live (by the way I have massive respect for the work farmers do). You have to have a life too.

Tell him you want to put on hold trying for a baby as he currently doesn’t have time to be father. Tell him you can try when circumstances change

Don't get pregnant - bringing a baby into this will make things ten times worse.

You need to sit him down and have an honest conversation with him. And when he starts to flagellate himself about how terrible he is, gently explain that this isn't productive and that you need to be able to have an adult discussion without him descending into a frenzy of self-misery.

The beating himself up routine is actually quite manipulative; it's designed to get you to back off, stop asking awkward questions and to get back in your box. He may not realise he's doing it, but the net effect is the same - which is to train you into not starting the discussion in the first place.

Something will have to change in your lives - more help at the farm perhaps? I would say though that farming is a bloody tough life. It can be 24/7/365 and will never have a strict 35/40 hr working week pattern. Think very carefully about whether this is what you want to stay with.

Definitely put off having a baby.

As others have said, marriage to a farmer is incredibly tough at the best of times but now harder than ever.

You definitely need to halt TTC.

Being a farmer's wife is pretty sucky at times. It's doubtful it will ever change or that he can lower his workload. Either you need to commit fully to that lifestyle and the joys and utter grind of it especially at certain times in the seasons. Or you need to rethink whether it's the relationship for you.

I know an elderly farmer’s wife and she has never been happy. More or less a skivvy tbh to her husband and all the sons. Having said that, they do work non-stop. I think you need to review everything after all this is over.

Good point, the tears and guilt is just manipulative and a bit of a red flag to be honest.

Its possible this tendency is just exaggerated by his stress and exhaustion. He shouldn't be this exhausted, and needs to cut back work somehow. But even if he were able to to do this, his work would always wind up consuming the great majority of his time and energy. You'd have to do the bulk of work around the house, and almost all childcare if you have children. If you can't accept this, then probably best to divorce amicably.

What was he like initially ? How has that changed ? How can you get back there ? DO NOT carry on with trying to conceive, this is not the right time. Things need to change and you both need to work together to get you there. Write down how you want to be ,as a couple , and how you think you can get there. Is he willing to make a change ? Or is he just going to throw roadblocks in the way. This will be your answer. Then if he doesn't stick to the changes , you will really know the truth.

I wouldn’t be a farmers wife. Thankless and exhausting. Don’t have a baby! Right now is your life. If you’re not happy change it! You don’t have to stay if you aren’t happy.

Farmers don't tend to be able to "cut back" hours. There are quieter times and there are times you work flat out for weeks and weeks. It's really not flexible.

@category12 good point too. At the moment he may simply be unable to reduce his workload. When she puts pressure on him to reduce his work, this puts him in an impossible position.

Thanks for all your advice it is really helpful. I should have mentioned that I do have a good understanding of the pressures of farming. I'm a farmer's daughter myself and work in the agricultural sector. I'v always known its going to be challenging being married to DH as he's always been a hard worker. I guess I just thought I would be able to handle it. And I really do love him, he's a great person. It's especially hard at the moment as I usually have a really strong network of friends and family around me who I rely on for company when he's still working at the weekends and after I finish work. Obviously I can't see them now.

My MIL is also a huge help taking on the farmers wife duties as I'm usually working in the office or going out to other farms as part of my work but she's self isolating now so I'v naturally stepped into her shoes. This has given me a taste of what the future holds for me and I'm not sure I like it. I have a really good job which I love but I can't be expected to do what she does and my full time job as well.

His brother has recently over the last 6 months started at the farm. The promise I was always given that things would be better when he started as he would take on a lot of the work. I'v not noticed the difference yet. In all honesty I know he loves working on the farm, I think he could do less but chooses not to.

As others have said, this is not the time for a baby. Nail down your contraception now.

In the past when I have started to tell him how I can sometimes feel, he just cry's and says 'I know I'm a rubbish husband, I'm shit etc' until he's inconsolable and then I always feel terrible and it ends up being me who apologises and taking it all back.

Clearly there is more to this than the excessive workload he currently has to cope with. The fact that he doesn't even talk to you at the end of the day is very concerning. In any event, most men are rarely too tired for a quickie, at least not day after day after day...

So, how long has this been going on? Why did you marry him? He may seem sensitive or even weak, but I'm sure he knows what he is doing. He is not only stubbornly focusing on his own needs whilst ignoring yours, he is actively manipulating you. His aim is to control you and lock you into a way of living and (not) interacting that suits HIM.

Why is he like that? What do you know about his upbringing and his previous relationships? Is there a pattern? Red flags?

All this on top of the real hardships associated with being a farmer's wife... Are you sure you want this?

Just saw your update.

I think he could do less but chooses not to.

There's your answer.

Don’t even think about having a child atm.

When you say it is the family farm do you mean he is on a salary.
Is it a small salary because “one day all of this will be yours”

I think you need to sit down with your oh and have a talk about your future.

You have seen your role and don’t want it.

I don’t know anything about farming so bare with me.

Could you look at moving to something that involves farming type practices that isn’t as hard a work and you can see something for your work instead of waiting in the side lines and working your arse off for a weekly pay cheque.

I presume the farm atm deals in animals.

Would slowly going over to fruit and veg be just as profitable and less overall work. No getting up at the crack of dawn to feed animals everyday.
Poly tunnels of tomatoes can be watered automatically

Growing more expensive fruits etc

Hard work to pick but overall I would imagine less day to day hard graft

And/Or doing something completely different like having holiday let’s, B&B or paint balling on the land.

Atm are both you and your dh too close to the situation to see there are alternatives

His brother as you have said is now working on the farm and your dh is working the same amount.
Can he not let go?

@FallonSwift

Great post.

OP, you are not happy.
Think about that and what it means.
His mother will not always been doing as much and it will be down to you.

Stop tryst for a child that will tie you to him and this life.. and pray to god you are not pregnant.

You are a farmers daughter...you should know that with a lot of farmers, most infact...the land comes first.

You are being trained by him to not complain, to not expect anything from him....because the farm comes first.

Have a good hard think about the future you want, because you are signing up for more of the same, nice an all as he is......

His brother has recently over the last 6 months started at the farm. The promise I was always given that things would be better when he started as he would take on a lot of the work. I'v not noticed the difference yet. In all honesty I know he loves working on the farm, I think he could do less but chooses not to.

This is the conversation that you need to have with him. What happens when your MIL is too old to do what she currently does - who does he expect to take over? What happens when the babies come along - is childcare solely your problem to fix because he's permanently unavailable?

He needs to understand that being able to voice your concerns or unhappiness and have a productive and honest discussion, is an essential part of a healthy relationship. If he can't - or won't - do that, then you seriously need to evaluate the future of this relationship.

@billy1996 could you have a small commercial farm run on an egalitarian basis? Or are such farms stuck with the "farm comes first" system where the wife is stuck in the house for much of the day?

Some people are like this. My dh is a workaholic. I used to think that it was the job, he had a senior position within the food industry, he was pretty much at work 7 days a week, when he wasn't working he'd be on the phone or his laptop. He took voluntary redundancy and took his hgv licence so he could drive trucks, in an attempt to reduce stress from work. He did 77 hours last week I've come to the conclusion this is just him! He can't help himself. But, I've accepted this, we don't have kids together and I have a cleaner etc and if DIY needs doing I pay someone. I also have a good social life and lots of friends. But he is very attentive to me when he's home, we have a good sex life and lots if fun (when he's awake), that's why I stay.

I would say tho, don't have kids with him, it'll be 100x worse with a new baby in the house, add everything you've got now to sleepless nights, caring for another human, no intamcy and feeling very very resentful.