Sensitive husband

[YaThink]

My DH is a great guy and I love him to bits but he is incredibly hard on himself. He works on his family farm and works ridiculous hours leaving us barely anytime together.

We've almost been married a year and I'm starting to feel like I get very little out of our marriage compared to what I put in. Currently It's a busy time on the farm and as a farmer he's classed as a critical worker so working away long hours. I'm working from home.

I spend the day on my own working from home atm but also doing all the house work in between and make sure dinner is ready for when he comes home. I also do all the DIY which is happening at the moment on my own after work and at weekends. He comes back from work with barely any conversation and is the shell of a man I know he can be. Sex is out of the question as he's too tired. Unless it's around the time I'm ovulating as he somehow finds the energy for that as we are trying atm. which really makes me feel like crap. It makes it seem more of a necessary chore rather than something he wants to do with me.

I'm now lying here in bed while he snores away after another disappointing Sunday thinking why am I doing this. I clean up and look after him like his maid and I certainly don't need him for financial reasons. Our sex life is terrible, I dread to think how bad it will be when we're not trying for a baby. In the past when I have started to tell him how I can sometimes feel, he just cry's and says 'I know I'm a rubbish husband, I'm shit etc' until he's inconsolable and then I always feel terrible and it ends up being me who apologises and taking it all back.

I don't want him to just cry about the problems I want him to do something about it and stop neglecting me.

You've posted about him before, haven't you op?

I couldn't fancy a man who started crying and beating himself up like that without doing anything about the situation, I'd not only find it pathetic but also meaningless - I'd be asking he plans to improve our marriage and please do it without crying you are an adult not a 5 year old.
Don't have baby with him for gods sake. Not only will you be a single mother but you will be trapped. Tell him that.

He’s married to the farm not you.

He’s married to the farm not you.

This

Funny how beating himself up doesn’t actually amount to a change in his behaviour but rather a change in yours (shutting the fuck up).

You are very right to be worried about what will happen when MIL is no longer capable of doing the Wifework. I suspect the expectation is that you will fill her role and you will stop doing your hobby (job).

I’m sure your H is lovely but he obviously lacks the assertiveness or willingness to make any compromises regarding his time.

I think you’ve kind of slept walked into this and haven’t taken into account your H’s capacity or desire to have a better work/ life balance.

Stop TTC’ing and wait and see if his current behaviour isn’t the exception but the rule.

Trouble is with him crying and beating himself up, is you never resolve anything. Tbh it sounds like a diversion tactic so he doesn't have to deal with the issue

I haven't got much to add to PPs, but the thing that struck me was the crying and berating himself. I dont know your DH but this sounds manipulative tbh. He's an adult in a committed relationship and needs to be able to accept how you are feeling and reflect on his own behaviour.

I would stay with him during the current crisis but as soon as the restrictions are lifted, I'd be off. When you look at your MIL you see your own future. You don't like your present (and nor would I) and you don't like your certain future. Time to make changes.

Do you think he'll realistically do any childcare when you have a baby? Are you willing to do it 100% yourself and be the the one compromising your career (because someone has to and it doesn't sound like he'll be willing to)?

@LannieDuck, running a farm wouldn't be like a regular career. He may simply be unable to compromise here. Of course it could be he's doing more work than he actually needs to as OP suspects. Perhaps she could get some third party opinion here, if she could find someone knowledgeable enough.

I agree it’s not the same as a standard 9-5, but it sounds like OP values her own job and, as you say, her DH may be choosing to do more than he needs to. It doesn’t bode well for her career if they add a baby to that mix :(

I think even if he cuts back his workload he's probably going to be unable to meaningfully contribute to any future childcare, simply due to the nature of his job, meaning she'll have to put her career on hold for a few years.

So he cries, he’s inconsolable, you back off......and it’s business as usual. He’s not sensitive, he’s manipulative.

This will be your life with a baby.
Yes with the isolation it’s all heightened.
His response is manipulating. Not health.
You need to push through this with him. Continue the conversation.
He may up his behaviour and make more of an effort for a few months but he may return to his norm.
Why does he want a baby?
He’s not going to be around much to be with the child.
I’d be mindful he wants to keep you home.
Put yourself first.

To be honest I think this is a bit of a wake up call but one you have the chance to do something about.

This is what your life is going to be like. If you have children, I bet he won't be helping, he'll say he has something to do and go out. Do you want this life? You will eventually be your MIL.

You have married his farm OP.

He put on a good show while you were courting but he will never be that way again. Now he's got you installed as his domestic help, box ticked. Just has to cry every now and then to keep you trapped. Job done.

If this is not the life you want, walk away now. Don't throw away the next 30 years being unhappy. And please don't bring children into it, you are unhappy so they will be too.

We all make mistakes but today is a new day. It's never too late. Don't be ashamed. Don't piss away 30 years for the sake of 1 year of pain and awkwardness.

I agree with all the others. Stop ttc and think really hard if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

I totally agree with other posters, put off ttc for a while. And whatever you do make sure you keep your job. Don't become his mother and step into her shoes. You need to ensure that you out yourself first for once. If you start doing what your mil usually does along with everything else you will become exhausted and ill.

Sex is out of the question as he's too tired. Unless it's around the time I'm ovulating as he somehow finds the energy for that as we are trying atm

He has the energy to have sex to trap you but not for fun.

Does he thinks you having a child is to make sure you never leave.

"He has the energy to have sex to trap you but not for fun. Does he thinks you having a child is to make sure you never leave."

I know he's not blameless here, but this is just over the top and absurd.

The line about thinking he could do less but chooses not to struck home for me! My ex (not married, and totally different field) was also in a job where long irregular hours were expected and it was hard to know whether he was truthful when he said he had no choice or not.

What I figured out at the end was it didn't matter if he was choosing to do them or had to - the relationship had got to a place where I seriously considered it likely that he was choosing the work over everything else, and that was enough really to know it was the end. He was fun when he was around, too. But I couldn't trust him with regards to his work and no matter whose fault that was, it spelled the end of the relationship.

"He has the energy to have sex to trap you but not for fun. Does he thinks you having a child is to make sure you never leave."

I know he's not blameless here, but this is just over the top and absurd

@Scott72: Not OTT or absurd at all. I'd say @Oliversmumsarmy has hit the nail on the head.

Not all manipulation is conscious or deliberate. I had a "crier" for 17 years, it had the effect of creating the exact life he wanted.

Neither of us were truly happy though.

A few things for you to address

I would sit him down and say that the deal was that things would be better after his brother joined him but you haven't noticed any difference. Let him know clearly that this is not what you signed up for and if he wants your relationship to last that he needs to put a lot more into the relationship. Tell him exactly what you would like.

Do not be sidetracked by his tears and declarations of being crap. If I were you I would just say very matter of factly, please stop crying while we are trying to talk about this. Yes you are being a crap husband at the moment but we are trying to find ways to change that.

Don't let him off the hook. He does sound manipulative, which isn't attractive, but hopefully you can sort something out between you which can reset your relationship. Best of luck