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Original poster

Do rubbish parents "put off" a prospective partner?

63 replies

Shesagambler · 29/03/2020 22:45

Reflecting.
I have crap parents. Still in contact but see them distantly. I've had counselling over the years and re-parented myself as best I can.
I've had several long term partners too, had 2 children with one whom I still get along with and share the children with, but embarrassingly, none of my partners have ever asked me to marry them.
When I think of my friends who have married, they all come from loving, close families and their husbands have all become a part of their extended family- as if love attracts love.
The friends I have from backgrounds lile mine are also unmarried and one is divorced having married young.
I guess as we get older and more independent and parents are no longer around, family backgrounds are less important. But when you're in your late 20s,is marrying into a "family unit" as important as marrying a partner to many people?
I would like to know the answer to this.
Would it put you off marrying someone like me?
FWIW, I am now mid-late thirties and wondering if I will ever get my chance to marry someone nice and have that stability I have always wished for. My parents are selfish drinkers who generally don't do anything for me unless there's something in it for them.
Ex-partners have always looked down on my parents, joked about them, eye-rolled at them, told me honestly that they're really crap (I've always appreciated the latter). It all seems such a shame having never been part of a loving family unit and as a little girl,longing for the day I would have my own, to have never married still and be a single mum. I love my children and I'm so glad I had them, but I didn't quite envision it this way. I have a good job, our finances are quite good too, no debt, nice home. But it would be nice to feel wanted by somebody. My friends whose husbands adore them appear to have parents who adore them also.

OP posts:
wibblewobblejiggle · 29/03/2020 22:50

It can yes.
Just look at the horror MIL stories.
It's just a headache that most don't need in their lives.

I've been through absolute hell with my MIL.
My friend saw this. So when her partners mother started piping up and causing problems i counselled her on to seriously consider if she wanted this in her life.

She did not. And she left a 3 year relationship.

We can not control other people. So if the ILs are causing strife that we can not control the options are to live with problems that can not be solved or to leave.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 29/03/2020 22:53

Yupppp. I left a relationship a few years before i met DH because my ex girlfriend's mother was so horrific i knew i wouldnt be able to live with her longterm.

RedDiamond · 29/03/2020 23:01

Hell no! My EXDH married me for me He became quite accustomed to my weird family dynamics. He married ME FOR ME. Even though we are now divorced (34 years later) he is still on good terms with my family.

You are NOT responsible for your family. You are responsible for who you are. Gird your loins and be YOU.

Original poster
Shesagambler · 29/03/2020 23:02

It's not like my parents are meddling or argumentative or anything like that, just embarrassingly rubbish and disinterested. I've always wondered if,after prospective partners have got to know my parents,they just don't value me as much because it's clear that my own parents don't?

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/03/2020 23:03

I’ll be honest, I tell my grown up kids to go for people from stable, happy families because I want them to create stable, happy lives for themselves and any potential grandchildren.

However, you obviously have recognised that your parents way of doing things isn’t great and have built a good life for your kids so I would be happy for one of my kids to be with someone like you.

Sushiroller · 29/03/2020 23:04

I am mid late 30s and often wondered the same.

My father was not great and there's some unhealthy dynamics/weirdness in the extended family.

In the end i met my DP who is a dream and loves me because of/in spite of it all.
That said his seemingly "normal" family and have a few of their own peculiarities like my future mil and his lazy golden child younger brother

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 29/03/2020 23:05

I wasn't put off DH despite his dysfunctional family, but he didn't have much to do with them so it was fairly easy. MIL was lovely but FIL wasn't very nice and DH's brothers were a mix of pervy and violent - his next older brother made it his mission to sleep with any woman that his brothers had a relationship with, and fell out with me because I told him if he didn't get his hands off me I'd tell DH, his wife and the police. I think if DH had maintained a close relationship with them, I wouldn't have been able to stay with him, because they are so awful and I would think less of him for not realising that.

Aerial2020 · 30/03/2020 00:21

Another way of looking at it is maybe you chose the wrong partners (subconsciously) because you grew up in a toxic family and knew no different.
Instead of people not choosing you, you have chosen the wrong people to want that love.

LangSpartacusCleg · 30/03/2020 00:25

Yes. I left my ex because of his awful parents.

Well, that is the headline news. The nuanced version was because he did not try to correct their behaviour towards me and did not try to stand up for me with them. The one time he did, it was too little too late. I had already decided that they had no place in my life.

Walnutwhipster · 30/03/2020 01:11

I looked for stable as that was my background too. I also wouldn't have considered children outside marriage. It doesn't work out for everyone but I think it reduces the risk.

NeverBeenLoved · 30/03/2020 12:46

I don't have a stable family background - verbal, physical and emotional abuse. I've had no contact with my remaining parent for 10 years.

I've healed a lot of the damage caused but I'm ill equipped for a relationship.

As my name suggests, I've never been loved. Other than a very dysfunctional (loveless) marriage, I've been unable to sustain a relationship longer than 4 - 5 months.

I wouldn't get into another relationship again.

Ragwort · 30/03/2020 12:55

I think it’s tough but probably, yes. Sad. Numerous studies show that the most successful relationships are when our spouse/partner is from a similar background - educationally, job wise, culture, faith (or lack of), attitude to money, drugs & alcohol and .... social class.

Of course, there are exceptions to this but I believe it is true in many cases.

AuntieMarys · 30/03/2020 13:05

I wouldn't mix with dodgy inlaws. So no I wouldn't be with someone with a dysfunctional family unless they were NC.

Aerial2020 · 30/03/2020 13:31

Some of these replies are really sad.
It's not the OP's fault she has rubbish parents and I would be devastated if a potential partner was put of by my crap parents. You can't choose your background, family or upbringing.
If you are non contact with toxic family and working on your own family unit with your children surely that's just as much to offer in a relationship as anyone else?
It's very judgemental to not consider that.
No one is perfect, even stable families.
If a partner judges you from your parents then maybe they aren't the right partner for you. Like maybe the OPs previous choices.

wibblewobblejiggle · 30/03/2020 13:35

@Aerial2020 don't be ridiculous. People should judge for a suitable mate.

Aerial2020 · 30/03/2020 13:35

@Ragwort
Social class has nothing to do with abuse. Abuse can effect anyone, even from same social background.

Aerial2020 · 30/03/2020 13:38

@wibblewobblejiggle
How is that ridiculous? Judge for a potential mate as in the person NOT from their parents.
It is not a persons fault they have crpa patents and shouldn't be judged on that. That is not ridiculous

DaxonJaxon · 30/03/2020 13:39

My DHs family are absolutely awful, narcissists, abusive, he had the most awful childhood. They are still awful now, although we have very little to do with them.

I do feel sad when I think, what could have been. But more than that I love him and him alone.

I didn’t marry him for his parents. I married him for him.

Honeyroar · 30/03/2020 13:39

I agree with aerial. You should judge a new partner on them, not their parents. Yes it might put off some people, but the right match for you should be able to understand and cope.

DaxonJaxon · 30/03/2020 13:40

Furthermore, if people can’t overlook that then I wouldn’t be bothered about losing them either. They’re not nice people.

Aunty5ocial · 30/03/2020 14:01

Attachment patterns that are formed in infancy stay with us for life. I'm 'insecure-avoidant' and DH is 'secure', but his mother is 'insecure-avoidant' so he's quite accustomed (comfortable even) with me being rejecting of him when I'm stressed.

My family is really quite dysfunctional and I longed for a warm, encompassing family to be part of. That didn't happen although it's all very civil, and I've come to realise that I wouldn't have been able to handle what I thought I wanted.

SlimGin · 30/03/2020 14:08

Not always. My DP had an awful childhood because of his mum and took himself to therapy, which has really helped. I have a DD from a previous partner and he treats us both wonderfully.
I have lovely parents but we aren't a close family at all. It would be lovely for both families to be able to come together and become an extended family where all the kids can grow up together, but it just isn't possible for all families. I would sacrifice a nice MIL for a shitty one if it means DP and I are together :)

wibblewobblejiggle · 30/03/2020 15:16

@Aerial2020 because family has a massive affect on an individual. Especially if you have to deal with them in your life.

If somebody I know is dating someone in a chaotic set up I tell them to leave before it's to late.

Aerial2020 · 30/03/2020 15:21

@wibblewobblejiggle but surely its non of your business to tell them?
And incredibly judgemental on the person. You don't know the circumstances and you don't know what therapy they may have had.

WalledGarden · 30/03/2020 15:29

Why were you relying on someone else to ask you to marry them in an entire series of longterm relationships, OP? I don’t think your parents have anything at all to do with this, unless you live with them, or are incredibly close to them, or insist that all your partners spend significant time with them — I think you’re clutching at straws. If you want to get married, make that very clear and/or propose yourself.

I can think of lots of married friends whose parents are beyond gruesome — sexual abuse, continual public affairs with postgrad students, leaving children at home with inadequate food and cash while they went on holiday, boarding school aged six etc etc. One friend’s father had her mother committed to a psychiatric ward in the 70s so he could pursue an affair with her sister.

But then I’ve never gone in for the ‘marrying into a family’ idea. I’m only married to DH. I quite like most of his family, but they aren’t important relationships for me, except insofar as they impact on him.