Do rubbish parents "put off" a prospective partner?

[Shesagambler]

Reflecting.
I have crap parents. Still in contact but see them distantly. I've had counselling over the years and re-parented myself as best I can.
I've had several long term partners too, had 2 children with one whom I still get along with and share the children with, but embarrassingly, none of my partners have ever asked me to marry them.
When I think of my friends who have married, they all come from loving, close families and their husbands have all become a part of their extended family- as if love attracts love.
The friends I have from backgrounds lile mine are also unmarried and one is divorced having married young.
I guess as we get older and more independent and parents are no longer around, family backgrounds are less important. But when you're in your late 20s,is marrying into a "family unit" as important as marrying a partner to many people?
I would like to know the answer to this.
Would it put you off marrying someone like me?
FWIW, I am now mid-late thirties and wondering if I will ever get my chance to marry someone nice and have that stability I have always wished for. My parents are selfish drinkers who generally don't do anything for me unless there's something in it for them.
Ex-partners have always looked down on my parents, joked about them, eye-rolled at them, told me honestly that they're really crap (I've always appreciated the latter). It all seems such a shame having never been part of a loving family unit and as a little girl,longing for the day I would have my own, to have never married still and be a single mum. I love my children and I'm so glad I had them, but I didn't quite envision it this way. I have a good job, our finances are quite good too, no debt, nice home. But it would be nice to feel wanted by somebody. My friends whose husbands adore them appear to have parents who adore them also.

I only see one of my biological family, she has also been thrown out of the family.

It hasn’t caused either of us problems in gaining and maintaining healthy relationships. The only had relationship I have had was with someone who is from a very nice and very close family, he was an arse despite having a very stable upbringing.

Aerial I never implied that abuse is related to social class so apologise if you thought I did . I have many years (sadly) involvement with victims of domestic abuse.

My point is that most people tend to have better relationships with someone from a similar background.

And yes, of course, I absolutely know that there are exceptions to this.

Of course it's my business if it's my friends or family. Do you not talk to your friends, share experiences? Ask for advice?

I will call a shit show a shot show.

If somebody clearly has psycho In laws and a partner who thinks that's just part of life I will say please think about the life you want and how much better you deserve.
People should definitely judge the people they choose to marry and breed with more harshly.

Maybe then we wouldn't have all the ridiculous posts on here.

@Ragwort
Ok, it's hard to tell in text. I read it as an implication that dysfunctional families are from the same social class. That was my reading then.
I find it odd that some posters are saying they wouldn't date if someone had toxic family as to me you are being with that person. People can escape toxic backgrounds, they can access therapy. It is how you are as a person.

@wibblewobblejiggle no it's not your business. They may ask you for advice but it is still non of your business. I wouldn't want you as a friend with an attitude like that.

No it’s usually because rubbish parents often cause the child to be rubbish at maintaining appropriate social relationships. The children who rise above their parents tend to have great friends / extended family relationships or go to counselling

I think that the majority of people from happy stable families go on to have happy stable families of their own. Probably a mix of genetics and learned behaviours. Similarly I think it is difficult for those from unhappy, unstable family backgrounds to break the cycle.

As with all sweeping generalisations though there are masses of exceptions.

Oh OP, what rubbish parents, I’m so sorry. Have you spoken to partners about wanting to get married?

@GrumpyHoonMain
Yes this I agree. You cannot be 'tarred as the same brush' as your toxic family because many people have done a lot of personal growth to escape that.
To judge someone, before even knowing them, on their family is wrong. A person is so much more than their upbringing. Many people maintain stable and supportive friendships to replace an awful family. It can be done.

@Aerial2020 you wouldn't want a friend who gives you good advice when you ask for it lol OK. I wouldn't want someone so dull around anyway.

My friend took my advice. She left a three year relationship. She then met a fantastic man from a wonderful of slightly crazy family and actually thanked me.

She was stuck in the sunk cost fallacy. She's already invested so much time she was scared to start again. Now she's got a great future rather than having a nice guy, And he was nice, with an awful interfering family that was already causing problems with no marriage and no children.

@wibblewobblejiggle I didn't say I wouldn't ask for advice from a friend. But that's all it would be, advice. You cant tell someone what to do.
Your friends situation sounds different to what I am saying. I am saying it's wrong to judge someone, before you know them, on their family alone.
Many people go no contact with a toxic family, their family is no reason to not date them.

To you. I would never ever date someone who'd already had children.

So I wouldn't have bothered to get to know them.

I would never ever date someone who was religious.
So I wouldn't get to know them.

I would never date someone who held certain political beliefs. So I wouldn't get to know them.

And if I knew someone vaguely. But enough to know they came from a car crash family. I wouldn't pursue a romantic relationship with them.

Doubt it. I don't have a close family and grew up in a violent household with an alcoholic father. I've been proposed to 4 times. It wouldn't bother me if someone had terrible parents. Both my ex and my current husband came from families where the parents had been married for ever and were as normal as parents can be. If someone wants to marry you they will ask. nothing to do with your family.

I have to say, before we were engaged I wondered if I could cope with DH's family - so much arguing when they were together, super-critical MIL, standoffish FIL. But then I figured it was unfair to anyone to consider walking away because of their crappy parents. I grew up with and still have very happy relationship with my parents, peaceful family where no one ever bickers etc.

As it was, once we were engaged, MIL got somewhat better with me. Things still turbulent and sometimes upsetting but I made the right choice sticking with him!

@aerial2020
And incredibly judgemental on the person

Of course he/she's being judgemental. Choosing a partner for life and a parent for your children you would be foolish indeed not to make some judgements on your future partner. Even if you think 'this is not the fault of the prospective partner that they had bad parents so I want to go ahead with this marriage' you are still making a judgement.

Sadly I agree, it is more likely to be a successful relationship when the couple are both from similar and healthy backgrounds. That's not to say that any background is necessarily better than others but wildly different expectations for married and family life are hard to negotiate.

If a person just sees their dysfunctional family as normal that's a massive red flag. Someone who has gone no contact and had counselling less so. Is it "fair"? Not really but I can understand why some wouldn't want to take on the risks of marrying into someones dysfunctional family.

I also agree we should all be judgemental when it comes to choosing who to partner with and have kids with. We should be judgemental about all sorts of things. The consequences can be pretty grim when you make a bad choice here.

I think it really depends how clued-up the person is.

Maybe you have shite parents but you've done the work, had the therapy, got some perspective. You know what your birth family is like and you're ready to build a much more functional family of your own. You won't let your parents drag you down; you keep them at arm's length. In that situation I don't think a potential good partner would be put off.

Then there are the people with shite parents who still think that those patterns of behaviour are normal or acceptable, who are likely to replicate them to some degree, who will be happy to leave their own kids exposed to shite grandparenting, and who won't protect their partners from batshit PILs. Those are definitely ones to avoid.

I have to disagree. I know three other women apart from me who have very abusive parents and are in relationships that have lasted longer than twenty years. But I think therapy is really important not to not repeat patterns that we grew up with.

My DH has horrible parents, I saw this as a good thing - I had a nightmare parent and it’s easier when your spouse gets it. But she’s dead now. If I were to remarry for sone reason I wouldn’t want someone with difficult parents unless they were no contact (or I loved the person enough to be willing to put up with crap in laws).

I would look for someone who had the same family values as myself. The problem is that a lot of people who come from families who are less than ideal, have a slightly bias view on life and it ends up affecting yours as the spouse. i.e. they don't want to get married because their parents marriage never worked. Or during family holidays it's just arguments all day long. Or a husband who is unable to stand up to his crazy mother.

I think it's a bit unfair to suggest that people shouldn't get into relationships with those with awful parents. It's hardly the person's fault, although it may make things more challenging.

I mean it does vary - my mum is an amazing parent who had an extremely difficult relationship with a distant mother. She could have reacted to that by being cold or alternatively by being clingy and overbearing, but actually her response was to be a fantastic mother.

tricky one OP, i think the most fair answer is that for SOME people yes it will and for others no, or it will be circumstantial.

Lots of people like the idea of marrying into a 'happy family' or for their own reasons believe that a family that are close means all parties must therefore be well to do, pleasant and emotionally healthy people. There is a stigma for people who don't get on with family, doesn't make it correct though (which it is not).

Equally not everything is what it seems, you only have to browse mumsnet to grasp that it's rarely all its cut out to be, in laws are often tolerated or directly hated and frankly, if a separation occurs it's not very likely you'll see much of these people again. Certainly in real life i know very few people who see in-laws after any break up. The odd xmas card perhaps but it is intersting how "you're a member of the family now" is really most just facade.

It depends though doesn't it? It's easy to say, "don't judge a person by their parents" but their parents brought them up and will have had a massive impact on and input into who they are as a person.

Aot of it boils down to to self worth; good boundaries; healthy attachment styles. People who are brought up in loving, safe, emotionally healthy families tend to have these. Those of us who aren't, don't.

Some people don't realise and become toxic themselves; some people realise, have therapy and heal and the are those for whom the damage is just too deep and the harm just too great.

I had a crappy family background etc and it did have its consequences on my relationships ... what got me and dh together was that we were both very independent and had little to do with our families!
On the surface his looked more "normal " but was also damaged but in different ways.. families didn't really come into it when we were getting together...
I had been single for a few years when we met and was quite happy on my own so I think that is a factor be happy with yourself and proud of what you've done...

I come from a loving family, yet I ended up with a loser.