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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate living with people. How on earth am I going to cope living with my boyfriend?

44 replies

duckingterrified · 29/03/2020 13:06

So, I've felt this way for a long time (but being stuck in lockdown with my housemate has really confirmed this for me). I dislike being around the same person for long periods of time.

This is why I've always struggled with housemates in the past (they thought I was too anti-social for hiding in my room all the time), and this is why I've struggled in office jobs (I now work from home). The fact is, I get really claustrophobic and uncomfortable socialising with the same person for days/weeks on end.

Don't get me wrong, I love socialising when its on my own terms. I can happily go out to pubs/clubs on weekends and I enjoy seeing my boyfriend after a long week away from him. But I'm safe in the knowledge that at the end of the weekend, I can go back into my own space and have "me time". I'm not sure why I need more "me time" than the average person but it's just always been that way.

At the same time, I know that if I want to get on in the world, I need to compromise. My boyfriend wants a future with me and he wants us to buy a home together later in the year. This really worries me because I'm scared I'm going to grow annoyed with him and start to resent him for being around all the time. E.g. my current housemate is a really nice guy but he asks me to watch TV with him nearly every evening and it exhausts me (sometimes I make excuses but I hate seeming rude),

My boyfriend is a big old extrovert and I'm worried I'm going to upset him by always needing my own space and needing to take off on lone walks etc without him joining me.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 29/03/2020 13:08

My answer is, don’t live with your boyfriend

What do you mean by “get on in the world”?

TippledPink · 29/03/2020 13:11

You don't have to live together- OH's son is the same, doesn't want to live with his girlfriend's but his mistake is he doesn't make it clear. It gets to two years and he ends up breaking up as they always want more (quite naturally, I would be the same). Have you ever told him your worries about living together?

eurochick · 29/03/2020 13:15

I loved living alone. I find having other people messing up my space very stressful. But I have managed to live with a husband and child. Although I do occasionally fantasise about a flat of my own.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2020 13:16

You need to make a decision as to whether you and your boyfriend are compatible long term, because if you want different things you are massively wasting his time. If he wants a partner to build a life with by sharing a home, you are not the person for him.

MrEzraGoldberg · 29/03/2020 13:17

I'm the same, OP. There are a lot of us about! It's not abnormal. You just have to be honest with your boyfriend when the time comes to live together/buy a house together. Not easy, I know, but better than going along with it and being miserable.

And why does your housemate want you to accompany him in watching TV? Can he not do it alone?? Don't worry about seeming rude - just be honest about needing a lot of time alone. We're all different.

Like you, I can see people with the proviso that afterwards, I can retreat to safety and be utterly alone. It's bliss. I have a partner and he understands.

Have you spoken to your boyfriend about how you feel?

EmpressLangClegInChair · 29/03/2020 13:19

How do you mean ‘get on in the world’?

I couldn’t stand living with anyone. So I don’t.

BemidjiMinnesota · 29/03/2020 13:36

Your housemate asking you to watch TV with him every night is the weird one, not you. I'd hate that kind of enforced socialising too. Just continue to say no and he'll stop asking you.

For your boyfriend, could you rent a place together first, and ensure you have separate bedrooms so you have a place to retreat to? Renting also means you don't have the trouble of selling a house if it doesn't work out.

dontgobaconmyheart · 29/03/2020 13:46

Well you don't have to live with him OP, for a start. The fact he wants to is perfectly reasonable but that doesn't mean you have to agree or indeed, do it.

Who on earth would BUY a place with someone they hadn't even lived with anyway, that's madness. Living with a partner is a very different dynamic anyway, you may get to know one another better and not like what you see. If you already know you don't like constant company, why sign up for it.

I would talk to your partner OP, surely he doesn't know you very well if this core part of your personality has passed him by. It sounds like you are naturally a people pleaser and paying the price for it.

Original poster
duckingterrified · 29/03/2020 14:07

I have actually just called him up to speak about my worries as its been getting me down today. He does understand where I'm coming from and he's very sympathetic towards my anxieties. Ultimately he believes that being in a relationship means we do have to sacrifice some of our independence but that doesn't mean we can't have our own separate interests and hobbies etc. I told him about my need for alone time and spontaneity and he said that as long as he didn't feel there was a problem in our relationship, it would be fine. He basically just emphasised communication and compromise.

OP posts:
Original poster
duckingterrified · 29/03/2020 14:11

I agree I am a people-pleaser to the bone. He does know I'm more introverted than him, but the fact is he has never actually experienced me on a day-to-day basis because we only ever see each other on weekends ,and usually on weekends I've been more sociable because I've spent all week by myself having downtime so I'm finally ready to use the energy I've been saving. So its mainly my daily routine I'm worried he won't gel with.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 29/03/2020 14:12

OP that’s good you talked

But do you actually want to live with him? You’re speaking as if it’s inevitable, not like it’s a positive thing you want to do.

wherethecloudsaregoing · 29/03/2020 14:14

I know what you mean, OP, and it’s a bit disingenuous for people to be saying “so don’t.”

You probably could keep the current situation going unless you want children, though, which is the sticking point for me. I would like to have a child with DP. I can’t really put him in the shed!

firstimemamma · 29/03/2020 14:14

I'd never buy a house with someone that I'd never lived with before, that just seems like a huge, unnecessary risk to me. Can you not rent together for a bit and see how things go?

AutumnRose1 · 29/03/2020 14:16

where I genuinely have no idea what OP means, I’m not faking my puzzlement.

She hasn’t mentioned children or finances so I do wonder if it’s social pressure to live a certain way.

MerryDeath · 29/03/2020 14:18

don't live with him, or anyone. no reason you have to is there. I'm the same (except i did agree to give up my own place and live with my bf!) and now i have two children and NIL alone time. i've had to do a lot of adapting and sometimes i just can't handle it. shit!

TeeBee · 29/03/2020 14:19

I'm the same OP. Really struggled being married or having anyone in my house more than a couple of days. My boyfriend has had to move in with me over quarantine (was a cater for his mum and she has to self isolate for medical reasons). It turns out it is bloody wonderful. He knows I need my space so pootles off into a different building to do his own thing. I'm actually loving having him around. I'd have never have guessed I'd feel like this to be honest.

Sizeablecontours · 29/03/2020 14:27

Op I'm the same and crave my own space. I've also been married to an extrovert for 25 years. Ime, if you are with the right bloke, then you will be able to accommodate each other. I also think it's good that you are opposites, because you will balance each other out.

Do you want dc op? (Don't feel you have to answer that here obviously, but it's worth thinking about. ) Imho, as an introvert, living with your adult significant other is not half as challenging as being a hands on parent 24/7. And I say that as someone who only has one child (although in some ways, onlys need you more).

Deathraystare · 29/03/2020 14:32

(but being stuck in lockdown with my housemate has really confirmed this for me)

I am with you there. We have the flat 'mate' from hell. Narcasstic (?spelling), misogynistic, napoleon complex. There is going to be a murder!!!

Northernsoullover · 29/03/2020 14:40

I am the same as you. I love socializing on occasions but I love being at home too. I'm engaged and my fiance and I plan on living apart together. Even when married. If not our other plan is to get a house big enough to have separate everything, bedroom bathroom and even a lounge each. This actually works for my parents. They reconvene for lunch, dinner and a few tv programmes they both enjoy. They are very happily married.

FredaFrogspawn · 29/03/2020 14:43

Can you try to have a year or so living entirely on your own before making a commitment to live with someone? Even if it’s just a studio flat - at least then you’d know what you like.

AutumnRose1 · 29/03/2020 14:53

Tee you have a different building? That’s a whole other version of living together!

TeeBee · 29/03/2020 15:41

Oh, it's a gym in the garden. He goes out there for an hour at a time to watch tv or something...we are in the main house together most of the time.

notsuremate · 29/03/2020 16:02

You don’t have to live with him! Are you sure you’re compatible? Why don’t you find somebody introverted like you? With this guy aren’t you setting yourself up for a life of anxiety and stress?

FlowerArranger · 29/03/2020 16:19

To what extent is your need to be alone driven by the uncomfortable situation with your flatmate?

Do you and your boyfriend want children?

Obviously you'll have to talk to him in depth about your feelings and needs. It certainly would not be wise to buy a house together in the foreseeable future. What about if you were to:-

  • live entirely on your own for year.
  • then rent a house together with your boyfriend, making sure that each of you has a room of their own.
  • only then consider buying a house together.

You would probably also benefit from a few counselling sessions to address your people pleasing. People pleasing often goes with poor boundaries and/or low self esteem, so you may want to look at When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden.

muckycat · 29/03/2020 16:44

Another raging introvert here!

Do please bear in mind that while i am sure your housemate is only being friendly, from a lot of house sharing experience I can say it is quite unusual to be asked to hang out nightly.

I met some wonderful lasting friends sharing so this was not through avoiding each other.

It is more that people in shared houses still need their space, they are usually living together more through convenience than choice (however well they get on) and time spent together needs to be 'opt in' rather than expected or pushed for.

So I fully understand why your current set up would feel cloying, even with the best intentions in the world from your housemate. This isn't necessarily a reflection on you.

Sounds like your past set up was not the usual adult house share either. Was this a student or 'party' house? I have never lived anywhere with other professionals where a quiet or reserved housemate would have presented a problem as long as they were considerate, polite, clean etc.