I hate living with people. How on earth am I going to cope living with my boyfriend?

[duckingterrified]

So, I've felt this way for a long time (but being stuck in lockdown with my housemate has really confirmed this for me). I dislike being around the same person for long periods of time.

This is why I've always struggled with housemates in the past (they thought I was too anti-social for hiding in my room all the time), and this is why I've struggled in office jobs (I now work from home). The fact is, I get really claustrophobic and uncomfortable socialising with the same person for days/weeks on end.

Don't get me wrong, I love socialising when its on my own terms. I can happily go out to pubs/clubs on weekends and I enjoy seeing my boyfriend after a long week away from him. But I'm safe in the knowledge that at the end of the weekend, I can go back into my own space and have "me time". I'm not sure why I need more "me time" than the average person but it's just always been that way.

At the same time, I know that if I want to get on in the world, I need to compromise. My boyfriend wants a future with me and he wants us to buy a home together later in the year. This really worries me because I'm scared I'm going to grow annoyed with him and start to resent him for being around all the time. E.g. my current housemate is a really nice guy but he asks me to watch TV with him nearly every evening and it exhausts me (sometimes I make excuses but I hate seeming rude),

My boyfriend is a big old extrovert and I'm worried I'm going to upset him by always needing my own space and needing to take off on lone walks etc without him joining me.

It's not a problem if your BF is on the same page. DH and I both enjoy each other's company but also enjoy time alone. Some evenings we will relax together in front of the TV, other times we're in separate rooms doing our own things. Our DC are the same. They will take themselves off to play alone at times.

Just make sure that you have a house with enough room to be separate when you want to be.

Your flat mate does sound hard work. Wanting to have company constantly. Just because your flat mate is like that, doesn't mean your BF will be.

You really, really don't have to live with anyone. The happiest people I know are those who live alone by choice. .

I think living together is incredibly hard - even more so a the moment - and I have been married over 30 years ! We are fortunate to have a fairly large house, separate bedrooms and bathrooms, more than one reception room, a garden etc but it is still very, very hard. (Obviously not as hard as those living in small flats with no gardens - I absolutely know I am in a very fortunate position).

Just being with someone else can be very, very draining.

Tell your house mate you won't be watching tv together while the CV is about.

I'm the same and I would never live with a partner. I have done a couple of times over the years. But it's just made me sure I don't enjoy it. My own space is so relaxing, I would never let it go.

You don't have to live with anyone, but if you hope to have children with a partner one day, it will be very hard to do that without living together.

FWIW I think it's a good sign that you felt able to raise your concerns with your boyfriend and that he reacted the way he did.

A few thoughts:

• does your boyfriend work outside the home? If so you'd have a lot of time to yourself at home while he's out working (assuming you can continue working from home)
• if he's an extroverted, sociable person, he might have activities that take him out of the house once or twice a week. If he has a regular sport, social night or other activity that will be a regular evening to yourself.

If you do decide to go for it, try and get a rental with a 6 month break clause just in case it doesn't work out (as opposed to being tied in for a whole year). If finances can stretch to it, make sure you get a 2 bedroom place and have a room that's yours to retreat to.

Based on his reaction I think it's doable and you might be pleasantly surprised.

No advice but I'm massively like this,
I'm currently single but I can't even picture being with someone in the same home forever, I Love my time on my own.some people can't stand it, just do what makes u happy but you have to speak up and let your bf know how u feel x

Your boyfriend sounds lovely! So great to hear that on mumsnet! Good luck to you both- he’s right communication is key

The only time I’ve successfully lived with someone (seven years) was by choosing someone who was equally enthusiastic about having their own space and alone time. Plus, he worked away sometimes. We had our own hobbies too, so not joined at the hip during leisure time either.

Have you explained to your boyfriend that you’re an introvert and need a lot of aline time daily? If so, did he get it?

You’re not abnormal, just unusual.

Just seen your update regarding your boyfriend’s comment - all relationships involve compromise.

What will he be compromising on? Don't fall into the trap of doing what HE wants, just to please him.

Housemates and boyfriends are completely different OP!

It's different with your partner. I hate having housemates but with DP we just feel like a unit so it's fine.

Sometimes he does annoying things but I don't find him annoying and if I want time to myself I just tell him. Living together is about being honest and communicating your needs. If I want to read my book all night I'll just give him free reign on the TV/ radio whatever he wants to do.

I'm the same. Added complications of children on both sides who get on but two of them (one mine, one his) are also retreative introverts! I think he'd love to live together, and we sort of discussed it pre lock down...I'm afraid I laughed when he suggested it! I really really love him and actually, I could probably almost do living together if there were no kids, but even then...nah. I just like my own space. And I like my own slobby quirks too. I'm having a glass of wine in bed as I type. He is wonderful but quite orderly even in his chaos and is not the drinking wine in bed type. Plus...more mystique equals more shagging! I think it'll work.

I totally identify with you, OP. Love my own space and get a bit demented if denied it. I start to find husband very irritating. The only way I can manage it is that I managed to persuade him to have our own bedrooms. It's made such a difference to know I have my own room to retreat to and he likes this arrangement too. But we don't want sex with each other either and it suits us. I now think I couldn't live with someone if we broke up, I just like my own space too much.
But it's good your BF seems understanding. I agree with another post which says parenting is when it gets tough because you get less time alone and have to compromise a lot.

he said that as long as he didn't feel there was a problem in our relationship, it would be fine.

Er, WTAF! As long as he’s happy, you should be too. If you think living with your flat mate is hard, your bf will be a lot harder.

It doesn’t sound like you and your bf are compatible on a fundamental level. Can you stay with him during the week to see if you could hack being with him for longer periods?

I like the idea of a live in partner more than the reality. There’s nothing wrong with you, everybody is wired differently but your bf’s dismissal of your feelings and your people pleasing tendencies, doesn’t make for a successful cohabitating combo.

Haven't read the whole thread but I feel like this OP, I find too much social contact overwhelming and love my own space even though I am generally a very sociable and outgoing person. I live with my partner and child but we have separate bedrooms - I have my space and he has his space and it works for us.

I think you get used to it or you find your own space. I always needed my own space and would hang a lot in my room alone growing up or when having house mates. Now, I’m married w 3 kids and a dog. So not much time to myself or privacy, but I manage. I sneak a bit of time to myself when baby is sleeping and older kids watching a movie with their dad downstairs. Usually the dog will bust open the door though and get on the bed.....😀

Just don't live with your boyfriend. It's not compulsory.

You don't sound terribly suited to a long, happy life together, anyhow.

SonetLumiere that sounds like a really sad experience and if your partner needed to be alone 80-90% of the time then that is pretty extreme.

But, I think for most introverts, there is no question of not wanting a partner to exist. We often do want to live with a loved one. It is simply that we need some solitude to regroup, think and breathe. It really is a basic need. like air or water for the mental health.

The challenge is how to strike that balance and both parties have to be on board.