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Original poster

Should I be worried? New partner still refers to his ex wife’s mum as the MIL.

42 replies

Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:26

I have been with my Boyfriend for 16 months now . I have 3 children from previous relationship that lasted 14 years and was single for nearly 4 years before meeting him. He had been single for 2 years prior to meeting although his final divorce papers only came through a few months ago. We have taken it very slowly and although speak every night only see each other when our children our with our ex’s. This is one or 2 nights a week he has met my children that was after we had been together for a year. I have met quite a few of his friends but I have still not met his children as the eldest is refusing to meet me. I know it’s difficult when a parent is in a new relationship and I have been very patient. We speak about the future and he tells me how much he loves me and we will be together and maybe all live together one day. I don’t know about living together but would be just nice for all the kids to meet. Yet at the moment he still had pictures of him and his ex wife up in his house, he still refers to his ex wife’s mum as the Mum in Law and although he has asked the kids about meeting me they have said no and he just accepts it. Should I be worried? I do find it odd that he still refers to his ex’s mum as the MIL should I tell him this or do you think it’s ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:28

Is this Ok? Any advice would be welcome when we our together it feels great but when we our apart something just doesn’t feel right

OP posts:
runningwoman1980s · 29/03/2020 08:31

I don't think it's weird him referring to the ex mil as mil if she was apart of his life for a long time. He is following his children's lead when it comes to you which you have to respect.

Pipandmum · 29/03/2020 08:32

My mother in law will always be my mother in law. She's the grandmother of my children.
He knew her for years, she's an integral part if his family, regardless of his relationship with his ex. I think it's a good thing he hasn't written his ex's family out of his life (assuming that's the case and he's not just saying what an awful mother in law he has).

LittleLittleLittle · 29/03/2020 08:34

It's odd for him to have pictures of just him and his ex in his house. It means he hasn't got over their relationship.

In regards to "the MIL" comments I would be more worried his kids don't want to met the woman he is dating. It means they don't see you as permanent.

I suggest you have a talk with him about removing the pictures if his ex wife and saying you want to meet his kids as soon as this lockdown is over. If he doesn't do both within 2 weeks of the lockdown being over then dump him as he clearly isn't ready for a new relationship.

Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:35

Thank you. I know she’s elderly and I do like the fact that he helps her out. It’s just when he says he’s been around to the MIL sometimes I worry he is not over the ex

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Chasingsquirrels · 29/03/2020 08:36

I wouldn't worry about the MIL bit.

How old are the children? It's so hard when they don't want to meet and yes he needs to follow their lead, but how long does that last (into adulthood)? No real answers there, just hopefully time.

With the pictures are they all over or just one or two for the kids? I personally wouldn't like the pictures tbh. But then that's a bit hypocritical of me as I have pictures of my late DH around.

Yallreadyforthis · 29/03/2020 08:37

Agree with @pipandmum
I really like my ex's mum, but it would sound dismissive of her to just call her " ex's mum"
Doesn't mean I'm still pining for her son, or to be married.
Like, really really really.

Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:38

He stayed in the family home and payed his ex wife off in the divorce as she left. It is some family photos which I can understand as he has pictures of his kids on it’s the wedding picture that I struggle with. He says it’s part of his past?

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SortingItOut · 29/03/2020 08:39

If he has the kids at his house then maybe he has the photos to help with the transition of their parents splitting up.

DO NOT give him an ultimatum on meeting his children, you are the adult and kids come first.
He will choose his kids over you any day and rightly so. Their needs come first.

I also think calling his (ex) MIL, MIL is perfectly fine, as a pp said she is grandmother to his children.

I think it's nice when families all get along after divorce.

IceKitten · 29/03/2020 08:39

I don't think still calling her MIL is an issue in itself. He's probably just used to it and almost thinks of it as her name!

However, if his eldest is refusing to even meet you then I think this is a strong indication that blending families in the future may be very difficult. I'd be feeling wary if I was you.

Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:41

His children our 13 and 11. Mine our 15, 9 and 5. My eldest finds it all a bit difficult too. But I did wait a long time and I do really love him

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Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:48

I think his eldest still hopes her mum and dad will get back together. Where as my kids have accepted the fact that will never happen and my youngest has never really known me and her dad together. I don’t think him and his ex spoke much to the kids about the whole divorce process. He does say they will be fine just need a bit more time

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FlowerArranger · 29/03/2020 08:55

Him calling his ex-MIL mother-in-law is absolutely fine. In-law relationships don't automatically end on divorce, particularly if there are children.

Ditto the children not wanting to meet you. The divorce will have been hard for them and you have to give it time. Acceptance of a new partner and potential stepmother cannot be forced.

A few pictures of him, Ex and kids in what is the children's old family home? Again, no big deal. Taking them down might make them feel insecure.

But it’s the wedding picture that I struggle with? Yes, I would too. Big red flag. Have you actually asked him? I wouldn't turn this into the hill to die on, but would certainly take a step back if you're not satisfied with the answer. The current lockdown may turn out to be a good time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Chasingsquirrels · 29/03/2020 08:57

The "kids won't meet me" thing can get REALLY hard. How do you feel about them not agreeing to meet for at least 5+ years? Meaning potentially separate holidays, separate high days, reduced time for your own relationship. Be realistic in your thoughts on this because it isn't something YOU can change, just something you have to go along with.

Have you explained how you feel about the wedding pictures to him? And what is his response.
(Again, the pictures I have up of my late DH are wedding pictures, and others. Death is different to divorce (been there as well), but I can definately see how a new partner wouldn't like it - luckily mine seems totally okay, which is good as until recently I've been no where near ready to consider taking them down.

Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 08:59

Well with the lockdown don’t know when I will see him again. So I suppose this will be ultimate test. Really appreciate the advice♥️

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HugeAckmansWife · 29/03/2020 09:01

I agree that its really only the wedding pic I'd be a bit annoyed about. You could ask him if he felt he could talk to his kids and say he didn't want it up anymore but would one of them want it in their room. I have pics of my ex but only with the kids. I'm not sure there's even one of us all together up but I did ask the kids if they wanted one in their rooms. It sounds like you're managing all this very carefully and we'll. If you love him and you think the relationship will be worth it, hang in there.

FlowerArranger · 29/03/2020 09:03

Just saw your update.

I think his eldest still hopes her mum and dad will get back together. ... I don’t think him and his ex spoke much to the kids about the whole divorce process. He does say they will be fine just need a bit more time

It does seem like a divorce in limbo. It could be because they have unfinished business, or a hope of maybe getting back together, or they are just avoiding difficult conversations.

My previous suggestion of taking a step back and re-evaluating still stands. But at some point after lockdown ends YOU may want to gently probe him on where he stands, particularly if you feel that he may be the one.

AnotherEmma · 29/03/2020 09:05

He still has his wedding photo on display?! That's really weird and I would not be ok with that.

I could understand a few family photos with him, ex and the kids in them, but a wedding photo? No.

Personally I would walk away from a relationship with someone who did that. He's not ready to move on and it's frankly disrespectful to you to have his wedding photo on display.

I'd feel like the OW.

KatherineJaneway · 29/03/2020 09:05

You've been together 16 months and they split 2 years ago. I can see why the eldest won't meet you, can't you?

Original poster
Martita38 · 29/03/2020 09:07

I’m trying to be patient because I don’t fall easily and I have done. It is hard though because my happiest times are with my kids and would love to share it and his to him and think it’s so important that kids come first but do worry that we might have to wait until at least the eldest is a adult which could be 5 years. I do find that thought difficult because I d think the kids would actually get on if there wasn’t the complication

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WalledGarden · 29/03/2020 09:13

@KatherineJaneway, the OP says her boyfriend had been single for two years before they met.

CiderWithRosy · 29/03/2020 09:14

Everything in your op would worry me after 16 months. I think you should walk away from this -sorry.

Whatnametoday5 · 29/03/2020 09:15

I can’t answer the pictures etc I find that odd. He obviously doesn’t want to force his children but at the same time removing pictures etc may help his children know he’s moving on?

MIL - my parents separated 20 years ago after being together for over 20 years - my dad & mum still send Christmas cards to the ex-in-laws . When my grandad passed away they sent a card (they would have wanted to go to the funeral but the relationship between my parents some 20 years later is dire)

CalleighDoodle · 29/03/2020 09:18

I was going to say exactly what @FlowerArranger said.

I Can understand a woman keeping her wedding photo up. Wearing your most expensive outfit ever, made to fit, personal stylist to do your make up and hair. Youre looking your absolute best. But a man has just combed his hair and put on a Suit.

NotStayingIn · 29/03/2020 09:21

Re the wedding pictures, I wonder whether that is also accidentally giving the wrong message to his children.

I would kindly suggest to him that it might be better to put those in a drawer. His children could see that as him still wanting her back and as things not having moved on. (Even just subconsciously.)

I’m not explaining it well, but I just wonder whether it’s better for the children to start to see his house as his and not see photos of their parents still together.