Should I be worried? New partner still refers to his ex wife’s mum as the MIL.

[Martita38]

I have been with my Boyfriend for 16 months now . I have 3 children from previous relationship that lasted 14 years and was single for nearly 4 years before meeting him. He had been single for 2 years prior to meeting although his final divorce papers only came through a few months ago. We have taken it very slowly and although speak every night only see each other when our children our with our ex’s. This is one or 2 nights a week he has met my children that was after we had been together for a year. I have met quite a few of his friends but I have still not met his children as the eldest is refusing to meet me. I know it’s difficult when a parent is in a new relationship and I have been very patient. We speak about the future and he tells me how much he loves me and we will be together and maybe all live together one day. I don’t know about living together but would be just nice for all the kids to meet. Yet at the moment he still had pictures of him and his ex wife up in his house, he still refers to his ex wife’s mum as the Mum in Law and although he has asked the kids about meeting me they have said no and he just accepts it. Should I be worried? I do find it odd that he still refers to his ex’s mum as the MIL should I tell him this or do you think it’s ok?

I agree with Whatnametoday5, if they haven't really talked to the children about the divorce then removing the pictures could help to signal to them that his relationship with their mother is over.
Also agree with another poster who said about asking the kids if they want pictures in their rooms (although I wouldn't offer the wedding pictures).
I wouldn't expect him to throw away the wedding pictures though, they are part of his past and his children's history.
But all you can do is talk to him about how these things make you feel, and find out what his thoughts are.
He many genuinely not have considered it, he might not "see" them as they've become part of the furniture so to speak.

Referring to ex-mil as mil is not a problem.

Are the photos there to keep his kids happy?

@WalledGarden

Apologies OP, I misread

OK,speaking from experience, my relationship with DP moved at a very slow pace, one which MN gurus definitely wouldn't have approved of. He had the photo of the ex and the kids, but slowly that got replaced with pics of DP and the kids. He also was extremely sensitive about the kids and probably did struggle with the idea that his ' forever relationship' he'd married into, wasn't a forever. Didn't mean he lived me any less, he just struggled with the though of something he'd committed to for the rest of his life, wasn't. He felt a failure, he felt he'd let his kids down, that he'd let his family down and he felt ashamed (nothing seedy they just grew apart).
However we went at a pace that suited us, and more importantly the kids.

These days, years on, we are still as loved up as ever. The kids all get on, they facetime and ring me independently with their achievements and we have a really good relationship. The families have merged really well, and everyone is relaxed with each other.
Every person is different, and you have to decide what is past your line yourself. I know MN would have told me to walk away, but it worked for us, and it's the happiest I've been in my life.
Advice is always good, but only you know your limits and what life's like in your shoes. Good luck

To be fair it’s a small wedding photo on a shelf in the bathroom. It has probably become part of the furniture

Well he can easily tidy it away. He doesn't have to burn it!

My Mum remarried after a long marriage to my Dad and still calls his parents her Mum and Dad as they were such huge parts of her life. If means no disrespect to her husband.

On it's own this isn't an issue.

The wider issue seems to be a family still in the process of grieving for their family unit.

I call my ex MIL my MIL and I didn't even marry her son. Its just so much easier. For example 'who is looking after the kids'? Nanny. Then I have to say not my mum but exes mum.. so I just refer to her as MIL! Saves an explanation if I'm chatting with my partner.

I would suggest you think long and hard about the whole relationship. Ultimately his children will always come first. You suggest you may have to wait till the oldest is an adult: to be honest, that would be very optimistic. He is still not going to want to antagonise his children even when they are all adults.

baileys6904 parts of that echo part of what I felt (ashamed that the relationship didn't last, that what I wanted for my children wasn't what they got) and parts echo my late DH's position 're going slowly for the kids.

How lovely that you are now where you are 🙂, it's where I felt and hoped my relationship with late DH would have gone eventually.

What I would say though is those years of the children not wanting to meet you can be very hard, for lots of practical and emotional reasons. And I think you have to have a strong relationship and be able to talk about it and reassure each other in able to work through that time.

Thank you all. Not going to worry about him still referring to his wife as the MIL he still has a lot of time and respect for her which is positive. I’m going to mention the photo maybe keeping it but putting it in a box. Just going to give it time with kids and I suppose the longer we are together the more they will come to terms with it and eventually hopefully all lives will eventually merge into one.

I wouldn't be worried about calling the ex mother in law 'mother in law' I don't think that's significant. I certainly wouldn't like the pictures though......as for the children, my parents divorced when I was 14 and to be honest, I didn't want to meet my dad's new partner either. I didn't want anything to do with his new relationship. I can't really say why, maybe because he was a total tw*t to my mum, I felt I was a bit too old for blended families. I went to his wedding when he got married but never really had any relationships with her or her children. If things are generally good between you to I'd stop pushing to meet his kids, they may never want to and it could damage your relationship.

Baileys6904 thank you

I think the photo could give the eldest ‘hope’ and that’s why he needs to consider putting it away. I still call my ex husbands mum my MIL, I agree with others that it’s no biggie.

It’ll take time but as there are so many positives, hang in there!

What A lovely post @Chasingsquirrels and I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the future brings you happiness xx

@Martita38 only you can judge your relationship but I have come out the other side and it was worth it without doubt.
Best of luck xx

I left up pictures of my ex-inlaws as they are pictures of my children's family and it would have seemed rude to take them down. I did take down the wedding pictures, but it did feel a bit unpleasant to do so, as if I was saying that I was sorry I had ever married - which is certainly not the case. If, as you say, it is also a small picture he might not even notice any more ... I might just mention it, e.g. ask "Have you deliberately left up that photo?" - out of curiosity - but I wouldn't want to tell a bf what he should and shouldn't hang on his wall.