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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel really paranoid about old friend should I do anything?

54 replies

twinklypinky · 28/03/2020 19:42

This is long so please read if you have time. I didn't know where to put this either so hopefully relationships is ok. NC as well. Anyway,

I had a friend who had her dc a few days after me.
Just before the dc were born she kept ringing me saying she hopes she has her dc first. I asked her why and she just said oh it would be nice for me to have the oldest and you have the youngest. It made no sense but there were texts and calls saying this over and over so much that when I had mine first I kept it quiet.

After the dc were born she carried on constant comparisons. Mines bigger, taller, mines smarter, mines doing this that and the other first. I thought maybe she's insecure so I just ignored it and tbh laughed a bit about it at the time. As they grew up it got more annoying. I'd sign my dc up for a class and she'd sign hers up initially to the same class but then after a while it was for a bigger better place and tell me for example her dc is going to the best football class in U.K. for example after I'd signed mine up to the local club.
She'd come to my house and make the dc stand back to back and compare their heights saying her dc is taller etc. Her dc foot size is bigger?!

Eventually now years later I told her to stop comparing them they are two individual dc and not even related. It was spoiling the friendship. As time passed it got silly. If I mentioned anything about my dc doing anything she would be there.
But as time went on things also got more sinister.
I started to say I didn't want the dc doing all the same things together and time to branch out in different friendship groups as they started different schools (had I felt space to breath I wouldn't have done this)
She started trying to find out who my friends were and magically making friends with the same people I'd go to things with and turning up at events I would go to anyway and she knew I'd be at.

Finally I said to my friend enough is enough. I'm sorry but I think this friendship has died now and I tried really hard to keep it nice as I thought maybe there's something wrong mentally that she felt she had to keep competing with my dc and her dc. After a few more incidents of her accidentally being at the same events as me I came off of all social media.
Things got worse. She'd knock on my door begging me to explain why we weren't friends anymore. I just told her I am living a different life now and want some space away. She then got a job at my dc school! This was enough for me.
I didn't say anything as was thinking of moving anyway. We moved away.
After all of this, she's still stalking us. My dc recently won something big that meant their name was online. I never post anything online but in order to take part this had to happen as part of the organisations rules and they posted something about my dc on SM.
The organiser of the event is very difficult to find as they don't advertise and it's a fairly niche thing, they mentioned in passing that they had a new person interested in the event, my old friend and her dc. I said to the teacher please tell me you didn't say where I live or what school my dc goes to. Teacher wasn't very clear on what they did say and now I'm back to thinking I'll never get away. I'm quite sure she's planning to accidentally turn up at the same events through these events now.
Is there anything I can do to get away from all of this? It's making me feel quite worried for my dc as well.

What triggered me to think of this just now was a 'memory' came home on my phone and it was of the two dc. As I looked closer at the picture I realised my friend was in front of me taking a picture as well, I could see my friend wasn't taking a picture of the two dc only mine. We were in my living room and it would have been weird to take a picture of only my dc as the two were sitting next to each other posing for a photo so she had to literally cut her own dc out of the picture to take one of mine. It's making me feel very uncomfortable that this old 'friend' may be more weirdo than I wanted to believe.

Should I be concerned? Is there anything I can do? I don't know if I'm being paranoid but I've never felt weirded out so much about anyone else before.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/03/2020 20:19

It might be worth getting in touch with Paladin paladinservice.co.uk/ and getting some advice from them.

twinklypinky · 28/03/2020 20:38

Thanks @category12 that's helpful I am concerned so I will contact them

OP posts:
Racmactac · 28/03/2020 20:46

I don't really have any words that will help but she sounds awful and I don't blame you for distancing yourself away froM her.

Get in touch with the organisers and tell them they are not to give out any info on you. It would be breach of GDPR

BumbleBeee69 · 28/03/2020 21:08

Christ she sounds hellish and exhausting.. keep her well away... I agree with contacting Padadin Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 28/03/2020 21:08

Paladin

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 28/03/2020 21:17

wow, was reading the story and parts of it was somewhat relatable, about being competitive, which stems from insecurity but this is in a different league entirely and not good natured at all.

As others have suggested please get specialist help.

twinklypinky · 28/03/2020 22:01

Thanks. I thought I was being really paranoid. I keep pushing it to the back of my mind but I feel this has gone on for so long and she keeps popping up into my life I just want her away from me and my dc. I've been nice and clear about how I feel but she's not letting it go. And I'm concerned it will escalate further .
This has reassured me writing it down and hearing from others maybe it's worth doing something about it. I haven't heard of Paladin so I will look into that.

OP posts:
TenThousandSpoons · 28/03/2020 22:10

No advice sorry but I got chills down my spine reading this. Definitely right to be very wary. Best of luck sorting something out - reporting her for stalking maybe?

twinklypinky · 28/03/2020 22:37

I will look into it I am worried I don't have enough 'proof' of her stalking me.
Hopefully I can get some advice.

I want her to stay away from me.

Organiser said old friend pretended we were still currently friends and told them how well we knew each other. Again, all quite concerning for me. I've blocked her on everything a while back so there's no pretending we are still friends.

When I pressed for details on what she'd said the organiser clammed up completely and especially when I said I hope you didn't tell her where I live.
Unfortunately I believe the organiser of the event has told her where I live but I have no proof. I will remind them of the GDPR and even asked about the GDPR before the event due to all of this but not much will change the situation now.

OP posts:
theneighbourswindchime · 28/03/2020 22:41

You have a right to know how much information was divulged.

Let them know you may need to involve the police so you need clarification of what details were given out.

notsuremate · 28/03/2020 22:51

See a solicitor about taking out an injunction. She sounds unhinged to be honest!

Longsight2019 · 28/03/2020 22:57

Do you have a timeline or could you write one, backed up with texts and any other material?

What do you think her drivers are here? What is her partner like? What does yours say?

She sounds like she has a significant mental disorder.

RLEOM · 28/03/2020 23:14

She might've been very cunning in how she asked for your address if this was the case. Some people are good at manipulating situations to benefit them.

I found it very chilling to read. I'd definitely inform the police. And I'd also pre-war any leaders of new groups you take your DC to. Just explain you're being stalked, give a brief description of her, and hope nobody else will reveal your information or whereabouts.

Also, keep a diary of any future incidences with her.

twinklypinky · 28/03/2020 23:19

I can't say re her dp as too outing but it's not good at all. Makes the situation worse tbh.

I think something snapped in her when we had our dc. It started just before the birth her saying she hoped she'd have her baby first and continued pressing for her dc to be 'number one' and it continued to be as if her dc could not be 'lower' than mine in any way. I don't know why. My dc is average and nothing in particular to compete against for. One thing I do know is old friend lied about everything. And it's almost like she actually believed her comparisons such as when she measured both dc, mine was clearly taller but she'd say oh my dc is so much taller than yours except your dc has thick shoes on so you can't see it today (despite the shoes just being flat trainers etc). I never engaged in the 'competition' and would simply laugh it off and in a way I felt sorry for her having to do this every time she saw us.

I feel like a fool now and that I haven't protected my dc.

I will press for what's been said to her by the organiser, good point on seeing if saying it's serious let's me know exactly what got said. I can only hope she doesn't know where I live now.

I finally felt like I'd gotten away by leaving the school and leaving my house. But I don't think I'm right.

OP posts:
SudokuQueen · 28/03/2020 23:21

How many years has this been going on for? Confused That's really scary, you need to get a lawyer involved and the police. It's a gdpr breach if they told her your address.

twinklypinky · 28/03/2020 23:25

Don't want to be outing but many years.

I'm glad I posted. I felt so paranoid but I know it's not right. I'd do anything to sleep at night knowing she's out of our lives. I can't keep changing our lives around what her next steps might be.

OP posts:
RossPoldarksChest · 28/03/2020 23:50

Holy shit. Felt sick reading that. Had a look at the Paladin site, I'd be ringing them as soon as they are open and also logging this with 101. I've had to log stalking before. It was unpleasant but nothing as bad as you've described. It sounded silly to me at first but the police officer/ call handler reassured me it wasn't silly at all. The important thing was that with a few logs and a visit from them, it stopped for me. I hope you have the same results but she sounds unhinged, like she needs comprehensive help.

twinklypinky · 29/03/2020 08:28

Thanks @RossPoldarksChest it's very reassuring to hear that I may be able to stop this if I report it.
It's a shame I've only seen all of this when the police are so busy with other things but I will report it.

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 29/03/2020 11:44

I'd contact police and or solicitor.

You're going to have to warn anyone in charge of anything that you ever involved your dc in about this situation.

I know this is an extreme example and v unlikely, and not trying to freak you out, but I remember a case in Japan when a mother got super competitive and obsessed with another mother and child and ended up (she got access to the child alone) killing them.

Better be in the very safe side.

GilbertMarkham · 29/03/2020 11:44

*on

GilbertMarkham · 29/03/2020 11:47

In that case her child and the other child got into the same school, she felt she hates the mother and child .. abd that triggered the murder. Your scenario is different obviously, she keeps actively trying to get her child into the same groups as your child, but it's still somewhat unhinged and you have to be aware of the possible worst case scenarios with someone unhinged.

Windmillwhirl · 29/03/2020 11:49

I too got chills reading your post. And I think you were right to mention that story GilbertMarkham

This woman sounds completely unhinged and you need to be very careful while you seek out further supports/information.

I know that sounds alarmist, but your story is very unnerving. It's the stuff of psychological thrillers!

sonjadog · 29/03/2020 11:53

How unpleasant for you! I would definitely get back to the organizer and tell them that you need to know exactly what information the woman has been given. Then it would follow it up legally.

GilbertMarkham · 29/03/2020 11:54

Sorry I got that wrong - the woman's child didn't get into the same exclusive school that the other mum's child got a place at .. and that triggered her to abduct and murder the child. Your children sound older but still ...

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