Interracial family issues

[Tonydl]

Hi everyone,

Very new here but I hope that I will find some helpful advice.
I am Anthony, 23.

Like many other couples, my parents divorced few years ago.
My mom is dating a new man since few months and she completely changed in so many positive aspects. She regained the confidence and self-esteem that she used to lose after her divorce. My mom is white Caucasian and her partner is Black.
Since the beginning of the year, my sister also started a new interracial relationship with a young man of black ethnicity.
Now the issue is that since then my father decided to completely stop talking to my sister. My parents don't talk to each other anymore but that happened since their separation.
Anyone has experienced something similar?
Any advice is well appreciated.

Thank you all.

Not sure what you actually need advice about. I'm hoping it's how to deal with your racist father stopping speaking to your sister as you say that's the issue? And not the fact that your mum and sister have found love with someone of a different race as you seem a bit hung up on it - what does it matter your mum's new partner is black, if the issue is your father's attitude to your sister?

So presuming the former: support your sister. Let your dad know he's a twat and you will not collude in his racism. Welcome ther partner to your family and act like you would with any other family member's partner.

Well it is easy to judge someone but when it is a person from your own family things are not so simple. Obviously my dad doesn't accept that my mom is dating a black man either but this happened after their divorce.

Well it's your dad's issue. And as he is racist, it's good that he's keeping away surely?

So basically I should stop talking to my own because he is racist?

So what's the problem?

Things ARE that simple! They are people FULL STOP. Your mum and sister's choice of partner is none of your father's, or your, business. As long as they are good blokes who treat them well there is no issue apart from your father's blatant and your more 'subtle' racism.

Your parents are divorced so nothing she does in her private life is any of your father's business. Your sister, i presume, is an adult or near adult, so as long as she is being treated well your father does not have the right to accept it not accept her choices. And neither do you.

My husband had to go through this with his parents when he started dating me. I was understanding as I could be, as I loved him and I knew he loved his parents and it’s not as easy as just cutting them off. He did eventually cut ties with them when I fell pregnant. He died last year. Now they have to live with the fact they lost the last 6 years of their only sons life and have no relationship with their 2 grandchildren.

So basically I should stop talking to my own because he is racist?

So you think that's bad?

He's stopped talking to his own child because he is racist 🤷

You should support your sister. If your can’t your just as bad as your dad.

The problem is that my sister is feeling hurt about my dad's reaction. But to her he still remains her dad no matter what and she would love to create a dialogue with him again.

So basically I should stop talking to my own because he is racist?

I stopped talking to my mother and sister because they are racist. Got no time for people like that.

No one's saying you HAVE to stop speaking to your father, just not collude with him. Tell him you don't want to hear his racist views, tell him you are happy for your sister to make her own choices and your mother's love life is nothing to do with him. Support your sister and your mum. If your father is making you choose and expecting to cut your sister off too then it shows how conditional his love is. His racist views mean more to him than his children.

Guys, I really appreciate your answers from all of view but please don't be so judgmental. No one is perfect and I am just here to find solutions, not being judged or having any member of my family judged.
As per my side I have absolutely no problem either my mom or my sister dating someone from another race, and I am actually happy for them.

So you're asking how to support your sister? Tell her your dad's being a twat. That he may come round once he realise he cannot punish her into submission. That you will support her choice and not be influenced by your father's views. That you will talk to him about his unacceptable behaviour and try and persuade him to stop being a twat. Tell her his 'punishment' says lots about him, and nothing about her loveability. Tell her that you love her and will always be there for her.

Have you asked your dad why he has stopped speaking to your sister? Everyone is assuming it’s because of the race of her partner, but it may simply be because your father doesn’t like the partner as a person.

It does look bad, but because many divorced couples don’t speak to each other no matter who their new partners are, it could be a coincidence.

Has your father ever expressed any racist views or opinions in the past? If he has then it’s likely because of race and he is a racist. But if this is all out of nowhere and he’s always been anti-racism, then it could just be not talking to his ex wife because she’s his ex and not liking your sisters boyfriend for reasons other than race.

I think you should be talking to your dad - the issue is (with) him. He's the one with the problem. If you want to maintain a relationship with him, then you need to educate him on how ignorant, stupid and uneducated he is/comes across, not just on disliking someone based on something natural and superficial but on cutting contact with someone who obviously doesn't think the same way as he does.

You say don't judge

If you have a problem with black people to the extent that you cut off your own daughter, you are racist.

If you want, stay in contact, nothing more to say.

Your dad is racist, I cannot help but judge him.

I am gonna rephrase the situation so that there is no more confusion. Let's assume that my dad is racist and that is the reasons why he stopped talking to my sister, is there any chance with time and dialogue things can get better?

SidsWife, so sorry You tried, and ultimately they wouldn't change and are now reaping what they sowed. OP this seems the most likely scenario? That he will either change his views or lose touch. It is nobody's problem but his.

@SidsWife,
I am really sorry to hear that.

I am gonna rephrase the situation so that there is no more confusion. Let's assume that my dad is racist and that is the reasons why he stopped talking to my sister, is there any chance with time and dialogue things can get better?

It's up to them, not up to you.

If he is racist, he is probably that way due to his upbringing and lack of interaction with nonwhite people. People can change and stop being racist. You are right it takes time and dialogue. The racist person does need to be willing to develop relationships and also self aware enough to know that what they were taught growing up was wrong and racist.
This can be hard to do as it is like reversing brainwashing.
No one is born racist, they are made racist and so can be unmade. It depends if you & he want to go through the effort or not.

We don't know your dad or your family's relationship so we couldn't tell you what could/couldn't happen. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Is he someone you could talk to?

Something tells me there's something missing in this situation you're describing - but I won't say what I think it is (I think it's more likely to be) because if you don't want to reveal it, it's your right.

"We don't know your dad or your family's relationship so we couldn't tell you what could/couldn't happen. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Is he someone you could talk to?"
I do yes and I keep talking with him, my sister and my mom. But I definitely disagree with my dad reaction and find completely immature and racist.