Interracial family issues

[Tonydl]

Hi everyone,

Very new here but I hope that I will find some helpful advice.
I am Anthony, 23.

Like many other couples, my parents divorced few years ago.
My mom is dating a new man since few months and she completely changed in so many positive aspects. She regained the confidence and self-esteem that she used to lose after her divorce. My mom is white Caucasian and her partner is Black.
Since the beginning of the year, my sister also started a new interracial relationship with a young man of black ethnicity.
Now the issue is that since then my father decided to completely stop talking to my sister. My parents don't talk to each other anymore but that happened since their separation.
Anyone has experienced something similar?
Any advice is well appreciated.

Thank you all.

The thing is your mum and your sister have partners who treat them well (In your mum's case, it seems to be better than she was ever treated). The colour/culture of these people don't matter if it doesn't matter to those in the relationship. If your dad has a problem with it, it's his problem. However if you and your sister still need to have a relationship with him, then you will need to have open conversations....possibly with another family member/adult whom he may be able to listen to (and who obviously doesn't think the same way as he does).

Nothing2doooooo
I agree with what you said. And that's why I think my role is difficult but important because I am the only one who keeps talking with everyone in this situation

I'm missing something. Why are you trying to solve your sisters (and mothers) problem? Did they ask you to?

Your mother is happy in a new relationship and so is your sister. Your father is a racist and won't accept her happiness. If I were your sister, I wouldn't want to try and reconnect with someone with such abhorrent views based on skin colour. Tell your father to educate himself.

So what does he say when you talk to him about this? Did he explicitly tell you the reason he's cut communication with his daughter/your sister? Is the conversation just one-sided (that is you are the only one trying to talk to him, while he avoids or gets offended, etc)?

What do you talk to your mum or sister about, regarding this? Hopefully you're not telling them (or your siste, at least) to consider appeasing him and ending the relationship.

MagnoliaJustice
I will tell him, thanks for the advise.

Nothing2doooooo
My mom stopped talking to him for a while now and she doesn't want to hear about him anymore.
As per my sister she would like to talk to him yes.
From my side, I never told them to stop their relationship and even never had this idea in mind. I am feeling blessed and happy for them.
My dad has a strong personality so the dialogue is always difficult regarding this subject. At the beginning I was trying to make him realize the stupidity of his reaction but he didn't want to hear anything about it. So from now I am just trying to avoid the subject with him

My mom stopped talking to him for a while now and she doesn't want to hear about him anymore.

Good on your mum. She obviously deserves a rest and to move on.

For everything else, I suppose you're trying to keep the peace in your family, but some things cannot be helped. It's despicable to judge people by anything besides character/personality (This is who they are, not their skin colour) and your dad is part of the problem.

I can understand how difficult it is to hear this but tomorrow, it could be you at the receiving end of his 'beliefs' and once it happens to you, you may not want to be so forgiving/lovey dovey. Perhaps, look at it from that perspective.

You've tried to talk to him and he isn't listening. Personally, I would cut contact with him as well, let him see how it feels. That is the only way to show you don't support a racist and also show support for your sister. But it's up to you.

Nothing2doooooo
May I ask your age please? And do you have any children? If you don't mind answering of course

My divorced parents were brought up with quite racist old fashioned views (both aged over 70 now) but as I grew up they re-educated themselves with my encouragement & aren't racist at all now, although they sometimes use the wrong words eg half caste or part black instead of mixed race / dual heritage.

My mum has even had two relationships with Afro-Caribbean men which was fine.
My dad never knew because she'd moved away & her relationships were not his business.
However I've had various mixed relationships & my dad has never cared, all he wants is for me to be happy.

Your dad may change or he may not it depends how deeply racist he is & how much he is willing to change.
You need to have a conversation with him about that if you want to help your sister & your dad to have some kind of family relationship again.

Terralee
Thank you for sharing your story and being nice. It's honestly good to hear that there is some hope coming out of there

I am assuming it will just take some time for my dad to accept it because my sister relationship is still quite new. I think it is better to leave it like this for now and see how things evolve naturally. And then I can try to have another talk with my dad about it, he may realize or regret the stupidity of his behavior.

Why would you want dialogue with a racist?

Bezalelle
Maybe because he is still my dad?

I honestly think lots of you should take a step back and reacting in a neutral way. The aim of this thread was not about criticizing my dad no matter how wrong he was.

Dzundza
Yes, my sister did.

The aim of this thread was not about criticizing my dad no matter how wrong he was.

You don't get to forgive your dad on other people's behalf though. Presumably you're white. He's racist, stop downplaying it.

You want affirmation, not our opinions. Talk to him if you want, there.

bushhbb
You're right

So your dad is happy to never speak to your sister again, because she's dating a black man? That's a very strong reaction by him.

Is he happy to not have a relationship his daughter purely because of this?

I have to say I would find it difficult to continue having a relationship with him if I was you.

It's one thing to not be keen on the person your child is seeing, but to stop talking to them is extreme.

I'm not sure how close you are to your sister, but I'm very close to mine and if one or both of my parents stopped talking to a sibling for this reason, I would step back from my parents in support of my sibling.

@SandyY2K
Yes I agree with you, this is completely wrong from him but as I said her relationship is still very new so it might just take some time for him to accept it. But please don't get me wrong, I am not standing on my father's side at all in this!
And I am 100% supportive to my sister but I would just like that they talk to each other again.

Very strange thread in how you've gone about presenting this and responding to replies.

Your role is to support your sister. She should not feel it is an either her partner or her dad situation. Make it clear you support her and don't agree with what your dad is doing. With regards to your dad, make it clear you don't approve of his views (assuming you dont) and try to encourage him to re-engage with your sister.

If you really want to stand in solidarity with your sister, stop contacting your dad and tell him he can't pick and choose which of his kids he maintains a relationship with.

Other than that. Leave them to it sadly. Maybe with time your dad will realise he is missing out on a relationship with your sister and will change his tune.

Your Dad is racist. That’s who he is. He won’t change his views, there’s just a small chance he’ll just learn to be slightly more socially acceptable with them.
And sorry, most people judge racists. So don’t tell people not to judge. Because we will

My brothers girlfriend is Korean. If my dad stopped speaking to my brother because of that, I would cut him out.

I get your points all. I guess I am probably standing way too much on my dad's side.

Even though he is racist, he is not a bad person believe it or not. And that's why a small part of me really want to believe that things can go better