Tying myself in knots. Sexless marriage but I love him.

[AngryFeminist]

I haven't got this out to anyone and would really appreciate some advice.

DH and I have been married 5 years and have a 3.5 year old. We haven't had sex since before he was born. Initially this was mainly down to a toxic combo of sleep deprivation, his work being incredibly stressful, me having postpartum psychosis (only got really sorted after a year) and this impacting on his mental health. Things were incredibly strained for a good 2 years and I seriously considered ending it; in fact I asked him if he wanted to stay together and he said he didn't know. Throughout this all though, we had very open channels of communication and have never stopped loving each other even when we didn't like each other. When we had that conversation we held each other and cried.

After this, we moved to a new city, I went back to work and he became a sahd. This improved things massively and we are both much happier in our roles. We are still very affectionate, very close and say we love each other every day. We work very well as co-parents and are emotionally supportive of each other. Our values, morals, politics, general worldview are matched. For me, this is the foundational stuff but there is still no sex an this attitude to it leaves me in limbo. He says he just has no sex drive and is very avoidant of doing anything proactive to get it back: I've suggested counselling, tried to carve out date time, said we should just get naked together more often and get used to being intimate (no need to jump straight into sex) but still...he takes zero initiative and gets embarrassed when we try which leaves me feeling humiliated. I've tried talking to him calmly so many times, I've ugly-cried, I've said I don't know how long I can go on like this. Still nothing, other than 'give me time'. Part of me wonders whether I'm being unfair because we never get time to ourselves really as no family nearby (and hardly likely now in any case what with the lockdown!)

I don't want to break up, or to open the marriage: what I want is a sexual relationship with him. I love him. But he honestly seems so asexual now that I think I've given up. I've forgotten what being properly kissed or grabbed hold of or touched sensuality feels like...except sometimes I remember and want to cry, and feel like I can't keep repressing this much longer. There is a colleague at work with whom I have serious sexual chemistry. Nothing would ever happen, but when I'm with him it reminds me that there is this whole side of me that is shelved and gathering dust. Perhaps the only solution is to talk about an open marriage in some form, but I also don't want/can't so sex without an emotional connection...such a mess.

Breaking up would be awful. Not just because it's not what either of us wants, but he's from another country and we have planned to move there. He wants to go home and I don't want him to be tied to this country that he's not happy in; I'd be happy in his country (lived there before, have friends there, speak the language, great for kids and great standard of living).

Tl;dr: sexless marriage but we love each other, don't want to break up, is there a way forward?!

Probably not unfortunately. Happens to a lot of men. The minute you have a baby, they stop seeing you as a sexual being. All the stuff you mention is just delaying tactics. It’s hard to get back from 3.5 years of no sex

I’m sorry you’re going through this, unfortunately my only answer would be to simply leave the relationship. Life is too short to have a sexless marriage.

You deserve better and could meet someone that can treat you like a queen where you have a physical and sexual connection/spark and you can actually go back to feeling womanly and sexy again. It doesn’t matter how much of a friendship you have or how much you connect on political/religious and other views, you can have friends and family for that.

You need someone that you actually have a physical connection with. I stayed in a two year relationship and had a baby with someone although we essentially started to have a sexless relationship to where I started to few more like a roommate/live in cleaner and finally had the courage to end it and I feel so much freer to start my life again and perhaps meet someone knew that can treat me how I deserve again.

It will take time but it will be worth it! Don’t waste his time staying in a relationship he’s not putting the effort into. He could be having an affair if he doesn’t want sex or he could simply just not be into it anymore.

You can either give it one last try and suggest couples counselling or maybe single counselling for himself if he is embarrassed or doesn’t want to talk to you about what he’s going through, or you can walk away and start a new life for yourself.

New sorry not knew*

The thing is OP, his love for you is not greater than getting off his arse and doing something about the situation. If you want things to change you have to decide if not having sex is a deal breaker because as long as it isn’t, things aren’t likely to change.

Oh and do not move until this is sorted because a failing marriage in a foreign country is a lot more depressing than a failing marriage in this one.-

This is one of those sad situations where someone can be perfectly lovely and still not right for you.

You both deserve to be having the sex that you want. For him that's none, for you it's not. You can't pressure him into it and there's nothing you can do to magically make him want to fuck you, so you either have to come to terms with that or leave.

Fuck. I thought this was what people would say. Maybe I'm seeing more complexity in this than there is: truth is, he doesn't want sex and that seems unlikely, despite him saying he just needs time, to change.

So what do I do about moving countries? He definitely does not want to live in the uk long term and he is the stay at home parent. I'm scared for how we could co parent in that situation and that he would get custody of ds...

Sorry OP, I don't think your marriage can come back from this. What your husband is saying sounds like classic stalling tactics.
Please do not move to a foreign country with him. There's no geographical cure; things will get worse, not better, and you'll be a long way from home with no job and no friends.
Speaking from experience, I think your best-case scenario is to separate and establish a friendly co-parenting arrangement with him. You might find a new love, or you might not. But if you stay, you're likely to become the object of his contempt. And then you will really dislike him. Don't try to negotiate an open marriage or whatever. Detach yourself. Sort out your finances (seek advice if needed) and leave.

Was he very sexual before you had your child?

Is he on medication that could have side effects?

In the long term, the marriage isn't sustainable, as you're not happy. Your H seems fine with the situation though.

I think if you like his home country, I would be doing some research on if you can get a job there, if you could afford your own accommodation there and look at divorce....then
as long as you move there.

He doesn't sound like a nasty man who would become difficult.

Then in time when you're ready, you can look at a new relationship over there.

It's not going to get any better if you do nothing.

@SandyY2K he is on medication that can lower libido yes, but only started it a year ago. If I'm honest we've never been massively sexually compatible but always thought it was something we could work through.

I know I could work in his home country. We wouldn't move for another 3 years at least so I guess we could try and work sth out in that time?

Please be very careful about the move to his country.

Would you be able to live there in your own if your marriage breaks down (further) when you’re there? Many countries have laws concerning custody of children that may favour the citizen (ie your husband) and block your ability to move back to home to your country with your child.

Would you be happy there on your own - no support from your DH, his family or his friends?

Turning to the counselling, ideally you both should go together. However, have you thought about counselling on how to deal with this and work through how it’s impacting you? May be if some benefit.

I’m very sorry for your situation and could only imagine how soul destroying it is. But please, don’t turn to your work colleague. That adds more issues to this dynamic.

If I'm honest we've never been massively sexually compatible but always thought it was something we could work through.

You know, this is so often the case in relationships. What ends up being an issue further down the line, was always there. We just try to push it aside to make things work.

I've seen it time and time again. I deliver marriage preparation courses and it's one of the many things we emphasise.
Accepting your partner as they are without hoping they'll change, or planning to make them change will lead to issues in the marriage.

If he was never that into sex, I can't see this changing. It tends to be more unusual for men to have a lack of drive, but it does happen.

Is he affectionate in any way? If you get dressed up to go out, does he complement you on how you look?

I'm just trying to ascertain if he experiences a physical attraction for you.

@SandyY2K yes he's very affectionate - we both are. He compliments me and says he is sexually attracted to me sometimes, but it just doesn't happen :(

If you're otherwise happy and compatible I'd explore the option of opening the marriage before throwing away what you have. I don't think there's much you can do if someone's libido is naturally very low, which it sounds like his is.

The problems do seem very deep seated and strange everything else you see as being good.

Do you really think he is being totally honest with you about how he feels or sees you? I think you have to think through what is non negotiable for you but a sexless marriage will fail at some point. They just do except for the most tiny minority of people.

Decide your bottom line and speak to him. You really need to be telling him your marriage won't survive as normally a marriage without intimacy and sex isn't a marriage at your age. Of course, in the end I guess you wouldn't want him to have sex with you to keep you happy when he doesn't really want to?

The other reason is the temptation to cheat will grow and you will give in when the opportunity occurs?

In the end I think you need to free yourself

From a male perspective it is just possible that this is nervousness/performance anxiety, though from what you say he should be relaxed enough in your relationship and you have tried the usual techniques - abstinence, date nights etc - that might change his perspective.

I may attract some negative comment for saying so but I think a partner has a right to sexual satisfaction, not on demand of course but a relationship means that you should understand and deal with your partners sexual needs and this will at times mean satisfying them when you aren't particularly keen on doing the deed yourself. Your DH should at least offer to satisfy you in ways which do not require him to become aroused, it's simple enough, if he really values you as partner he should be willing to do this.

@Namechangedyorkshire I think he genuinely believes what he is telling me but is maybe being a bit wilfully blind. I've put this to him a few times but he insists that although he has next to no libido he is still sexually attracted to me but just needs more time; that the problem is him and not me. The issue it, actions speak louder then words and I've no real evidence of him making an effort. It's always me that brings it up and says I want to fight for it; he says 'fighting' won't work and we just have to let it happen. I think this just won't happen!

@Anothernick he's also mentioned performance anxiety as an issue which I understand as it's gone on too long not to be quite pressure especially because she knows how I feel. I ee your perspective but I don't believe anyone has a right to sex, especially if he is just not there and it would be honestly soul destroying for me to feel like he was just pleasuring me out of duty: seems mechanical and removed from that deep sensual intimacy which is what I'm really missing.

There are other complications, not least that he is on a spousal visa which needs renewing in 3 months. And I genuinely don't know how custody would work, and we definitely can't afford to live apart.

Given all this, I think I need to raise the prospect of an open marriage. If channels of communication ication can be kept open it might just work, especially as we are essentially best mates and don't want to lose that. If he's unwilling then we will have to look at separating which turns my stomach but I do feel like I deserve to be desired and sexually valued.

Fuck fuck fuck this is awful. Now I've said this all out loud it's brought home to me that my gut knows this won't work. Fuuuuck.

Sorry for all the typos!

I understand your reluctance to ask him for "duty sex" but nevertheless I think you should give it a try before going for more drastic options. For a man the ability to satisfy a woman is a huge boost to both his ego and his sexual urges. My DW and I regularly tell each other how much we are enjoying it both during and after, this is partly because it is very enjoyable but also to boost the self-image of the other one and encourage the desire to repeat the experience. After all, everyone likes to be told they are a good lover.

He may believe that he is hopeless at sex and is unworthy of you. If so, there's a chance that allowing him to satisfy you and telling him how good he is at it might just provide the stimulus he needs to reignite his sexual side. Worth a try IMO.

If he was never that into sex then maybe there are other issues or do you think he may be gay?

If your sex life was brilliant pre kids then lots of things can affect it when kids come, but if he was never that into it then I can't see how you can create it now

Thanks @Anothernick and @Musti.

It's not that he's never been into sex, just that the kind of sex we are into was (is) quite different so we were always a bit out of synch. He's also had two serious relationships before me, is definitely straight and says he's never had this issue before.

He has been depressed and under strain, and is on citalopram for the depression which is known to cause loss of libido, but as I said he's only been taking it this last year. I actually just thought today, if the shoe were on the other foot I would have pulled out all the stops to make sure we worked on it but he's never actually prioritised this, i.e. going to the doctor to talk about the libido, making any effort to talk about it unless I bring it up, refusing to actively try - even just being naked together.

This has really helped to clear my head. I'm going to talk to him tonight and might (probably will) be back for a wee hand-hold after :(

I don't understand the bit about the type of sex you like is different? Maybe if you both like different things, he's just not excited about what you enjoy (though not sure how different it can be!!)

I've just spoken to a close mate about it. Had a good cry and finally said it all out loud. It feels a lot clearer now.

@Musti he's pretty vanilla. I am not.

Do you think part of the problem might be that he's feeling like if you do have sex it will have to be sex he doesn't like (ie kinkier than he wants)? Would you be happy just having vanilla sex for a while to boost his comfort levels?

Maybe he is subconsciously scared of you getting pregnant again as he doesn't want to risk another bout of post partpartum psychosis.

If he wasnt that sexual before, seeing you that way might have just put him off sex for life

I also disagree about if you didnt want sex you’d move heaven and earth to try.

I’ve read a ton of posts here and on other forums and mostly posters are more worried about their relationship than how to get their mojo back.

You cant miss what you dont feel.