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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have to end it and I don't know if I'm strong enough.

28 replies

AudaCityLimits · 23/03/2020 08:33

Bf and I have been together for two years. He lives about 40 mins from me, but we spend all weekends together and 1 weekday night.
I have been in many relationships and this one, honestly, has been blissful. We chat and laugh, are really proper mates, we have a fantastic sex life. Both of us have said that this is It. There has been talk of moving in together (as soon as this week, so that we need not spend lockdown apart.)

Yesterday, I noticed the name of a woman on his phone. It was a woman he had "almost been with" before he met me. I thought it was weird, so I asked him about it, and he got a bit of a cob on, saying that I was being possessive.
I asked to see the messages.
He tried to walk out with his phone. I demanded to see it, and he let me.
She has been in his house to clean for him. They talk about the lovely coffee and chat they had. He then goes on to text her loads, saying she's welcome there any time, just to chat and not to clean. He puts kisses. She replies with an obvious rebuff, referring to her husband, no kisses etc. He texts her over and over, and when she doesn't reply, asks if she's okay.

I then looked at messenger, and found messages between his female friend and him, where he calls her sexy, and says he wants to meet up and something is always stopping them. She replies "maybe that's a good thing" and he goes "I thought you were looking forward to it!"
He confessed to me that they had "almost kissed" about a month ago.

I feel so sick, can't stop shaking. Please tell me what to do. I walked out and haven't seen him since, but we have spoken on the phone.

OP posts:
Janus · 23/03/2020 08:36

I can’t see a way past this. If you are so blissful and he can do this now, how can you trust him when you may be going through a rocky patch? Or ever trust him again anyway?
I’m so sorry, what an ass he is.

Zofloramummy · 23/03/2020 08:37

You need to walk away. He’s not who you thought he was. You deserve to be treated with respect and to be able to trust your partner not to try to shag his married cleaner. Just because he hasn’t actually done it doesn’t mean he is any less of a knob.

Oh and you will be ok, we are always stronger than we think we are. Flowers

AudaCityLimits · 23/03/2020 08:39

Thank you Janus. I can't even believe I'm contemplating giving him another chance tbh. He was really jolly and loving with me whilst this was all going on, so it's not even like I can trust his joy iykwim.
But my heart hasn't caught up with my head. I was in an awful marriage before, and he gave me hope for the future. I know that it's a poor excuse, because that future we planned didn't include him cracking on to women. But I am in shock.

OP posts:
wehaveafloater · 23/03/2020 08:42

You have found the true him. He won't change . Either commit and spend your life finding out more . Or leave and find someone who genuinely does want only you.

goldpartyhat · 23/03/2020 08:59

He sounds as though he has a crush on this woman and is pursuing her despite being with you. He hasn't given up on having a relationship with her. I'm sure she's enjoying the attention, but is not prepared to jeopardise her marriage with an affair. So she has her cake and eat it. He does care about you, but has fixed in his head this woman is his perfect woman. You know they say the grass is greener and you always want what you can't have. To add another analogy, you only miss what you had when you don't have it any more. So dump him. He's made you his second best, and that is a humiliating position to be in. He's emotionally attached to someone else, and lies to you by omission.

AudaCityLimits · 23/03/2020 09:05

Thank you all for your replies. I absolutely know that you are right. Stupidly, I feel old to start again (I am 37), and I am just stunned that someone I felt was absolutely trustworthy has been such a cock.

OP posts:
AudaCityLimits · 23/03/2020 09:07

And sorry if I've been unclear, these are two different women. The woman who cleaned his house is obviously not interested. The other (who is a friend of mine) is giving as good as she gets.

OP posts:
goldpartyhat · 23/03/2020 09:16

@AudaCityLimits That's even worse. Sorry, what a shit he is.

Babdoc · 23/03/2020 09:25

OP, it’s interesting that you say you were in an awful marriage before.
I think it might be an idea to stop dating anyone for a while, and see a counsellor to discuss what you look for in a man, what you learned about relationships as a child, where your boundaries are, etc.
It’s possible that you are unconsciously picking “wrong ‘uns”, for reasons of neediness or low self esteem or whatever.
Don’t let your heart keep getting you into bad relationships when your head is telling you “No”.

EverydayLife · 23/03/2020 09:29

Definitely do not move in together now as you could be stuck with him for several months.

AudaCityLimits · 23/03/2020 09:40

You make a good point Babdoc. I went to counselling last year, which explored the way I always try to fix men and make them better. My dad was a serial adulterer, which left a bit of a scar. But this one was absolutely brilliant at hiding who he is. I have told 2 friends, both of which were stunned. They'd both felt that I'd finally stopped going for arseholes, and had found someone stable and kind.Sad

OP posts:
Princessfaffalot · 23/03/2020 09:43

I’m so sorry but no, I couldn’t see a way past this. It would hurt like hell but I’d be breaking up with him. Only two years in and he’s already trying to cheat on you. I’m so sorry Flowers

FlowerArranger · 23/03/2020 09:59

There has been talk of moving in together (as soon as this week, so that we need not spend lockdown apart.)

Be very, VERY glad that you found out before he could move in.

You'll now have several weeks (months?) to take care of yourself and your own needs, and perhaps read some books about self-esteem and boundaries. So you won't fall for men that need fixing again Smile

HazelBite · 23/03/2020 10:04

This sounds like someone who "enjoys the chase/likes the attention" unfortunately he will never change, he is the type that gets off on the attention from women.
Good luck with your future, you are not old and you will meet someone worthy of you I'm sure.

LittleChoCho · 23/03/2020 10:41

I found out about DH's similar behaviour nine months into my (first) marriage and it was devastating. I think you're lucky to have rumbled him now before sharing a home or being legally tied to the bastard. He does not care enough about you; it's time to let him go, so your 'friend' can create the vacancy for the next OW. You ARE strong. And as painful as it is right now you will look back with relief when it's all over. CakeGinDaffodil

I met my DH2 at age 41, btw, so in no way are you too old OP.

Dery · 23/03/2020 17:49

OP - that’s an awful blow when you thought you had found a good relationship. But he’s shown he cannot be trusted. It’d be wrong at any time but it’s particularly significant that he’s done this during the honeymoon phase when everything was going well. Suggests he’d be off like a shot if the going ever got tough. So yes, you have to bin him. Bin your ‘friend’ too.

We’re all going to be living very quietly for a while so take this time to nurture yourself and work on your self-esteem.

You’re certainly not too old to start again once it’s safe to venture out again. I know several women who met lovely partners in their late 30s/early 40s and have settled down very happily. You’re actually in a very strong position. You know you can look after yourself. You don’t need a man for your material well-being. So you’re not going to waste time on anyone who doesn’t make the grade.

category12 · 23/03/2020 18:20

Don't try to "get past this". That's two women he's trying it on with while you're supposedly happy and madly in love. Hmm

Be glad you found out now what he's like and bin and block him.

BackseatCookers · 23/03/2020 18:33

Stupidly, I feel old to start again (I am 37)

No no no no no!

Look up sunk cost fallacy.

Finding this out before spending any more time with him is THE best thing that's ever happened to you.

He's been a dick to you and even worse that he's being chasey when women are obviously rebuffing him. Disrespectful to you and them, ugh what a wasteman.

Sorry I know it's shit but thank god you aren't going to waste any more time with him. Seriously, look up sunk cost fallacy and it might make you feel better about walking away Thanks

FourNaanJeremy · 23/03/2020 18:37

He’s not who you thought he was OP and you are so lucky to have found that out now! It’s not your fault he’s a cock. And you will always deserve better

HowDidIBecomeThis · 23/03/2020 18:56

Tbh, OP. I was your age when ended my marriage for not dissimilar reasons.

I've not had a successful, 'promising' relationship nearly10 years on and I don't anticipate it happening now.

But, do you know something? There is not a single second of any day when I have regretted my decision to end it.

I would be alone for the rest of my life rather than stay with someone who didn't love or respect me.

famousforwrongreason · 23/03/2020 22:33

Hear hear @HowDidIBecomeThis.

Qwerty543 · 23/03/2020 22:36

You would never be able to trust him OP.

famousforwrongreason · 23/03/2020 22:38

But this one was absolutely brilliant at hiding who he is. I have told 2 friends, both of which were stunned. They'd both felt that I'd finally stopped going for arseholes, and had found someone stable and kind

This is exactly what I have just been through. A two year relationship ended three weeks ago. Very similar to you. Our relationship seemed like 'the one' until I started piecing it all together.
I am sad but so relieved I don't have to to take anymore deceit.
It's lonely during this lockdown but also a perfect time to naturally separate, you can use virus anxiety as a perfect excuse and then use the time to take stock and recalibrate. You have to come to terms with the lying and de with the loss a d sadness but you can do it. People stay together after stuff like this but in my experience you will never be the same person with him because you'll always be hyper alert.
Sending hugs from a safe distance

AudaCityLimits · 24/03/2020 18:30

I'm so sorry famous. It's absolutely shit isn't it. I know I should block him, but I feel like a weak person- and he has made me feel that way.
Feel so fucking awful today. Can't eat. Trying to home ed and work, and not cry. I am so blindsided.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 24/03/2020 18:47

Phew! Narrow escape! Imagine finding that out AFTER you were locked down with him.

And I bet if he's so loose with his words kisses and suggestions, he's slack about social distancing too. Leave him to it.

And well done for standing your ground and finding the truth.