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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I handle this?

39 replies

Louise000000 · 22/03/2020 10:23

Quick backstory, i seperated from dh last summer, he moved to his own flat this year.
Recently he's admitted to regularly checking through my underwear drawer to see what new pants i had got (new pants must mean new man) and that he went in initially to get a pair of my pants to masterbate with ! !
This morning i ve woken up to a text saying 'imagine me giving you a double orgasm, then a deep bath then a lovely lunch and walk in the woods, then a take away later in the evening and chill infront of a movie' then happy mothers day at the end.
My body was absolutely shaking there, hes made me feel so uncomfortable.
If it wasnt for the fact of us having 3 kids together, i would block him, but unfortunately i can't! How do i handle this? Ive just texted back saying the whole text has made me uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/03/2020 10:26

Change your locks immediately.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 22/03/2020 10:28

I will do as soon as we are all back to normal!

OP posts:
OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 22/03/2020 10:29

Locks change like @Aqua says and can you have someone else, your parents or a trusted friend deal with him regarding the children. That's not only a creepy message but a totally inappropriate one!

Original poster
Louise000000 · 22/03/2020 10:41

He's also got the kids to ask me would I like to go for a sleepover at his house. Obviously he knows I wouldn't want to disappoint kids and I'd have to come up with an excuse foor them

OP posts:
DoctorManhattan · 22/03/2020 10:59

It’s pathetic, he’s obviously sent that when horny but has tried to frame it as an offering of some kind of day all about you. As above, you need to put very clear and explicit boundaries in place with him now as regards acceptable behaviour and make sure he acknowledges that he understands them

EL8888 · 22/03/2020 11:05

Either he horny or it’s a crap attempt to woo you back. Either way l would him

EL8888 · 22/03/2020 11:05

Crucial word is missing -avoid him!

Ohfeckohfuckohshit · 22/03/2020 11:07

Reading that made my skin crawl. Dread to think what other disgusting and invasive things he did to you and/others while married.

HollowTalk · 22/03/2020 11:08

I've read this exact post before (the opening paragraph.) Didn't you get advice then, OP?

mummmy2017 · 22/03/2020 11:11

I would so want to write this
You never managed that while married, I know you have not changed who you are.
So no thank you, no longer interested in being intimate with you.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 22/03/2020 11:12

@hollowtalk yes and I've taken the advice (still to get locks changed) and he's continuing to do things that make me uncomfortable
Genuinely not an attention seeker here if that's why you are getting at, feeling totally creeped out today and needed to vent it

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/03/2020 11:15

Block him anyway

HollowTalk · 22/03/2020 11:25

I'm sorry, I didn't realise until now you're a regular poster. There used to be a troll who'd liked to talk about what he'd do to women's underwear.

I would ignore any messages that were like that. He sounds unhinged if he thinks you're just going to say, "Oh yeah, okay!" after hearing about what he's been doing.

JenNtonic · 22/03/2020 11:29

@Louise000000 He's VILE. Well rid so congratulations on that !!! Hope you're ok 🙂

Original poster
Louise000000 · 22/03/2020 11:31

The fact is if he's wanting control he's kind of got it cos I feel uneasy and the kids just went into the garage there and left the key in the door and I've properly freaked out thinking it was him. Mission accomplished by him!!
I've already cut contact with him, stopped seeing him for a coffee etc, going to change lock once we are out this madness, in the mean time the kids are going to see him one last time this week before we get completely locked down (then I can totally cut contact for a few months thank god)
How can you be so madly in love with someone at one point and then they make your skin crawl at another?!

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 22/03/2020 11:54

You can't wait until the madness is over to change locks - his creepy behaviour is escalating and might crossover into dangerous. He sounds territorial and deluded, which is a scary combination. He's using your niceness and fear of upsetting dc as a means to control and sexual harassment.

If you have a yale lock they are a piece of piss to change yourself. Get a new cylinder from hardware shop (they are still open) and a screwdriver. Follow instructions on packet or find a YouTube video.

I've also managed to change a chublock myself - YouTube is your friend for this. As are the lovely people in the hardware store. Take a photo of what you have. And measurements.

Do not let him use the dc to manipulate you into sleepovers and meeting. If the dc ask say no. No explanation or excuses needed. They might be disappointed for a minute, but they'll survive. Laugh it off with them: "silly daddy, hahaha".

Text him to say you will not reply to any contact that isn't dc related and any thing else will be considered harassment and a police matter. And stick to it. I think you need to take it more seriously than being creeper out.

playthestation · 22/03/2020 12:00

Tell him to fuck off. Fucking creep.

Do you have a contact order or anything? If not I would be keeping the kids away as he is manipulating the man to get at you. Make him fight for contact. He is not a role model for your kids anyway.

playthestation · 22/03/2020 12:00

Manipulating THEM

NoMoreDickheads · 22/03/2020 13:25

I would get the locks changed ASAP if you can get someone to come out (most locksmiths are self employed so they probably will.) It isn't much risk as long as you stay more than 2m away and clean/gel the door handle etc afterwards. You could leave his money by the door or post it through the letter box to him.

How can you be so madly in love with someone at one point and then they make your skin crawl at another?!

A lot of men are like it- as you can see, he doesn't realize what he's saying would make your skin crawl, he thinks he's offering something 'nice.' So many of them are clueless.

With the pants thing he can't even claim to be being nice, though. And why would he tell you that (unless you somehow realized because of how stuff was rearranged in your drawer?) If he voluntarily told you that it's like he thinks his obsessive desire for you is appealing, or he gets off on saying this stuff to you, that he's violated your boundaries.

It's disgusting.

Just tell him this stuff makes you feel uncomfortable and you're not interested, and he must stop it. Or don't reply- whichever you think best.

With the sleepover, would you be ok with your kids going now at the moment? If so, they won't be disappointed but you can steer clear of him. Or, you could just say it's not a good idea with the virus. Kids are going to have to be disappointed regularly at the moment anyway, as so many activities they sometimes enjoy won't be available. Even in parks people are supposed to keep 2m apart, which I saw one member say isn't happening on the play equipment.

RandomMess · 22/03/2020 13:30

Speak to the national domestic violence helpline see if this counts as lewd behaviour and grounds for one of the orders to keep it away...

I honestly think it may be an offence that you can report to the police and I would strongly recommend that you contact them and ask and if it is you do report.

Windyatthebeach · 22/03/2020 13:30

You should have just send a laughing emoji with 'as if' next to it...
Your dc just need to accept you aren't really friends. No sleepovers...

RandomMess · 22/03/2020 13:32

I would actually tell the DC that say they can't go and then you can block contact now. I suspect he knows exactly what he is doing.

Purplecatshopaholic · 22/03/2020 13:36

He goes through your underwear drawer? Fuck, no! Creepy and disgusting. So sorry you are going through this.

Eckhart · 22/03/2020 13:38

Id let him know in no uncertain terms that if he continues to sexually harass you, you'll be reporting him to the police. And follow through if you need to.

There's a tiny, slim possibility that he might not realise how inappropriate his behaviour is, but either way, the police will be able to make it clear.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 22/03/2020 16:22

All taken on board here thanks.
I think he wants to be dropping 'hints' of how he still loves me so I somehow realise he's the love of my life and that I can't live without him. So he's sent me a water purifier last week too and also a mother's day card in Fri saying I was the best mum.
After the pants thing I've said he's making me feel creeped out and uncomfortable and that I wanted to speed up divorce proceedings.

OP posts:
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