is my partner abusive? or is it me

[GemmaP89]

Hiya ,
I'm a mother and expecting another soon. I suffer from mental health problms and I am not sure if my partner is abusive or he just dosnt understand my health issues.
we have been married for nearly 5 years and things were wonderful at the start. he treated me with such love and devotion and made me feel so wonderful about myself than i have for a long time. I would make jokes and talk about diffrant things and express myself and he would join in and talk with me about what we wanted together. Everything was perfect and joyful and I thought i had met my soul Mate.
But since then it has changed all so much and I don't know what I am doing anymore and I feel like nothing i say is important. and I know it is wrong but i have thought about diffrant ways to end my life and just stop it from happining any more.there have been times i have wanted to smack my head on the wall to knock myself out and get away from what he says, its like he wont ever listen to me about anything and i Am wrong no matter what I do.
I love him so very much and all my heart and want to try to make it all work and keep us together as a family but i dont have any say in anything that effects us as a fmily or I dont have my ideas listined to.

I am ill 24 for 7 with my disabilty being tired poorly all day and worry on everything suffring from anxitey and i can many times be very ill with stress in through the day just thinking about doing simple jobs or going outside.The news about what is going on with the Corna virus dosnt help and firghtens me even more now to.

We argue a lot and he acusses me of being unfaithyful all the time, he checks my phone and emails and Facebook and even when i show him that there is not a thing that I am doing he still dosnt listen to me. I show him that there is not a thing there but he wont listen to me or look at what i try to show him and he keeps saying i have done something even when i keep showing that there is not an anything on my phone or anything to worry about.

Nothing that there is i say or do can he listen to and beleive. I know when he will say these things because he will be quiet all day for a few days and when i ask him he will say there is nothing wrong and treat me with a cold shoulder but i know something is wrong and then he says that I have done something when i havent!

Is it wrong and am i wrong and what should i do if he won't listen to me. iT makes me so angry, but if iam angry with him for saying these things he tells me i am wrong and must be wrong because i am angry?

Can anyome advice me on what i should do please?

OMG he's is totally abusive, you need to get out of this relationship soon. Start making plans now, this guy will always make you miserable.

Stop trying to convince him, he isn't listening and being paranoid on that level suggests he is mentally unwell. You cannot solve this so don't even try. Does he take drugs, skunk? That can induce paranoia.

Contact mental health charities like Mind, contact friends and family and Woman's Aid and the domestic abuse department of your local police force if you are worried or intimidated by him and get yourself out ( or him removed) safely.

Do not try and solve this alone he is toxic to your mental health and this is a dreadful environment for children to be in.

Do not keep this secret op, you need to acknowledge what is happening and put your DC and yourself first now.

Good luck.
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What you are describing sounds like the MO of a narcissist. Intense love-bombing followed by mindfuckery and other insidious abuse.

Two very useful books that will help you figure out what is happening and formulate an exit strategy, and cope with your distressing situation while you line up your ducks. Both are available as free PDFs:

Why Does He Do That
www.pdf-archive.com/2016/09/25/why-does-he-do-that-domestic-violence/

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists
docs.google.com/document/d/17UbtrBJfwm2HwdkH1UkUbopvu4ehndA9Ib_7n-Q_ARM/edit?usp=drivesdk

Make no mistake: this is not something that can be fixed. He is who he is, and he will not change. Ask any narc and he'll tell you that he doesn't need help because he is happy as he is. Never mind the devastation he leaves in his wake.

However, I have to ask: why given your MH issues and the wreck that is your marriage.... why on earth are you having another child? But it is what it is, and I would suggest contacting Women's Aid for practical advice regarding your situation. However, be aware that they are totally overstretched, especially at the present time. Do look at their website too - lots of useful information there. Also try to do the Freedom Programme online.

I'm uncomfortable with him being labelled as abusive just because he checks your phone and email - he's JEALOUS that's what stands out from your post

Have you ever though about the stress your mental health places on HIM? And talked to him about what support he might need?

I lived with a DH who had serious mental health issues and after a while I became very resentful and dragged down with it all. He was alright as he took his medication that helped him cope - people who have partners with mental health don't get medication or support. I wouldn't have brought children into that mix either

Yes he does sound abusive. Excessive jealousy and accusations of unfaithfulness despite no evidence is bloody abusive.
Anyone who was normal and thought you were unfaithful would leave! They don't stick around going through your phone and private emails to torture you.
Please get out for the sake of your mental health and your children.

I would like to echo some of that itwasanicedream had said. Your op is a bit all over the place. He sounds jealous, that isn't nice or fair, I don't think I'd nessessarily label it as abusive. If your metal health issues are as pervasive in your life as you describe it will be having a profound effect on your dh and children, also on your own judgement and perception of reality. You need to me getting medication and psychologist support, if you build a good relationship with your mental health carer they will best suited to giving you advice on your interactions with your family. We simply don't understand enough about you, your family life, your condition etc to give you any sort of objective constructive advice.

Extreme irrational jealousy that someone makes no effort to deal with himself, and uses as an excuse to bully, isolate and control his partner is abusive. It's a classic symptom in abusive relationships.

@sulkypasty

Yes I agree.

Seems to me 99% of the time partners are labelled as abusive on MN simply for the fact they are a man

We don't know enough about this to say either way. OP could be a total nightmare to live with and displaying irrational behaviour which is making her husband think she is being unfaithful

You've both been incredibly naive to being another child into this

I have read all the replies thank you and I would like to say that although i am poorly all the time I do not let it show and have to bury my pains a lot allways.
He never accepts that I am ill and suffering in my day to day life and often tells me that i am not feeling the worst out of us. It is only when i amd in a meeting for my disability Living Allowance that he is willing to speak that i Am having a illness and even then because he wants us to get more money and it seems he understands but he dont because he just wants the money.
I work part time and then spend the rest of my days cleaning the house and doing all the housework and looking after our youngest but also doing the trips to and from of the school. I always have dinner ready for him to for when he gets back but i am told i dont do enough for him. On the days that he has off and i do my part time work, he said he would cook tea for the kids but i still come back and have to cook because he said he didnot cook because he was nt hungry yet.

i am not allowed to be involved in any decision about our money spending and am finding that he has made more bank accounts to hide money away without knowing, Before chrsitmas i had took money from my old overdrafft account to help buy more treats for us all and help try to make a good time for us but if he hadnt keeped it all secret we would have been able to do it and not have any extra charges and gone in to the debt int he first place. it was when i was being told that i was being doing things behind his back that he was doing this behind mine and I should of realised why he was going to say that i was the secretive one when he was obvs being the one.

I also cancellled some dentist work before chrismtas because i didn't want to spend th £50 on that when it could go towards a thing for our family. He then went and did spend it on a thing i said we did not need it but i am always ignored about money! He was looking at holidays we could not ever be able to afford and i told him we could not of afforded them and he said we would take a loan. And i said that we would be adding the loan he was to take to the money we already were in debt and that i said we should not add to the debt money. he said ok but then i found him trying to take the loan anyway and he only stopped when the company said he could not get the loan to make the holiday happen.
I can not have any say in any decision on our lives and am not allowed to say that i cant say anything and he gets angry then and tells me that i don't ever make decisions. I am not allowed to have an opinion or if i do say something it is ignored and happens anyway and even on times when he agrees that i am right he only ever did what he wanted anyway.

I Am ill but i still have a voice but what do i to do if he wont listen to me and only respect my illness when it is for his money gain?

Are you getting help for your anxiety and depression?

It sounds like there's also financial and emotional abuse . Op, you might want to have a look at the Women's Aid website and start thinking about an exit plan from the relationship.

@GemmaP89.... I was so sad to read your second post. Clearly your situation is way more serious than I inititially thought. Plus your anxiety and MH issues make it so much worse. What kind of care are you getting? Presumably you are on meds, but do you also see a counsellor? This is obviously a bad time to try and find a therapist, but can you get in touch with your GP and ask for a referral for online therapy. Hopefully MIND can help as well.

But there are other things that you can do to get strong enough to eventually leave your abuser.

Firstly, read the recent thread by a poster called Chickencuddle. I think it's called feel like husband doesn't care. Lots of useful advice that will apply to your situation as well:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3838232-Feel-like-husband-doesnt-care

Secondly, please read the following book which will provide you with a lot of insight about your husband and why he has succeeded in robbing you of your free will and power. It is available as a free PDF online:
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
www.pdf-archive.com/2016/09/25/why-does-he-do-that-domestic-violence/

Another thing you should do, and this is really important as it is most likely to enable you to get to a point where you will be strong enough, is the Freedom Programme. Again, this can be done online.

There is a lot more useful advice about the practical process of leaving an abuser and become a sole parent, but this can wait. Just be aware that it is there, and Mumsnetters WILL help you, when you are stronger and ready.

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear that you're not well that must be very difficult for you.

It does sound as though your partner is abusive and that you were given a false impression of him when you first got together. This unfortunately, is the real him. Please don't hang onto the relationship hoping the 'nice' him will come back as that's not going to happen.

Take a look at Anxiety UK they offer low cost therapy for those on benefits at £15 an hour and they also do Skype therapy.

It's not right for him to control the finances, to expect you to wait on him, to disbelieve that you are ill etc These aren't the actions of someone who loves and cares about you. Don't have any more children with him.

You need to start planning your leaving strategy. He is abusive so don't tell him you want to leave. Don't offer to do counselling with him as that's never recommended with an abusive relationship.

It doesn't sound as though you are married, so leaving is a matter of working out what's going on with your housing and organising child contact. You can check out the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship and Gingerbread regarding things like child maintenance etc Both websites are very comprehensive.

I'm uncomfortable with him being labelled as abusive just because he checks your phone and email - he's JEALOUS that's what stands out from your post

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted His spying on her email etc is controlling on wrong, and falsely accusing her of stuff is not ok.

To those saying it's not abusive- of course it is abusive.

Thanks to all of those of you that has given your replys and advice.

I do have medications for my mental health, and they do help a lot and I have help from my Dr and a psychietrist a lot often to. They are often asking if I have thought of self harm or hurting or killing myself. But i do not let myself think and stay on thoughts like that and even if i have them I can put them aside. I will not say that my thinking of that is from what I have in my relationship but it does not help and it is something that i will not do as long as my litle ones are alive and would never do anything to hurt them obvs.
I know i am not perfect and i of been ill and not my best but I do what I can with what i have and its is more to keep the children happy so they do not never feel sad but they pick up the fights and tell us to stop it,

He always wants to make me be more sexy for him and says i should show him physicall love to make the marriage work but I dont feel secure with that as I am not given any thought to other parts of our life and I have asked lots of time s before that because Im not an eqaul partner in our lifes that has any say for things. I am feeling that i must always give all the time and not get anything in return.
And when i said that he always asked me to work towrds our life but didnt say what he was doing to fight for our marriage and pretty much saying that it was me that had to fight for it.

Thank all of you for your help and talk and taking the time to help. I am not in the best of places but you have let me know i am ok to talk and that someone can listen and hear me