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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I texting my colleague right now? Head's a mess

35 replies

Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 20:57

I'm married to a very lovely DH, no DC. No real issues to speak of at all, no big arguments, DH very thoughtful and kind.

I've been working with a male colleague from a different department on a project for over a year now. He's a little younger and we've always gotten along well on a professional level but never socialised outside work at all. He's quite a private person and has never mentioned a partner - I don't even know if he's straight or gay. For a couple of months now I've started to feel like I'm looking forward to our meetings more and more and felt like I was developing a crush but we see each other somewhat infrequently and never spoke outside work, so it never really took hold in my mind other than a passing thought.

When the Covid19 outbreak happened my work created a WhatsApp group and so I got this colleague's number. I sent him a message to ask how he was doing - bad move, I know. To my surprise he was very friendly and chatty in his responses and for the past few days we've been texting back and forth several times a day. As this has been unfolding I've been feeling really stressed and tearful constantly because of other Covid19 related things - family arguments over self-isolation, work stress and just general anxiety. I haven't been sleeping and just feel like absolute crap. DH and I have been in each other's face constantly because we're both WFH - DH has always been a bit clingy for my liking but now we are literally spending 24 hours a day in each other's company and I'm finding excuses to get out of the house for a walk.

All throughout this week I've been thinking about this colleague constantly like some weird fixation and keep texting him. It's all very innocent stuff, not flirtatious at all really and DH knew I was texting him to begin with because I mentioned it, but I keep feeling like I want to text him. I am 99% sure he isn't even interested and may just be replying out of politeness - as I said I'm not sure he's even straight. So there is zero potential for any cheating or EA and I'm just probably bothering this guy for no reason at all.

Why am I doing this now? Is it some weird form of escapism from everything that's going on? Feels like over the past week I've suddenly fallen apart and become fixated on this poor unsuspecting guy and am getting really annoyed at DH simultaneously. Please be kind, I feel like absolute crap as it is Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 21/03/2020 21:01

Displacement activity.

sonjadog · 21/03/2020 21:04

Escapism.

mamato3lads · 21/03/2020 21:10

Escapism, definitely, but you need to ask yourself why. I doubt it's just the WFH and virus impacting your freedom from DH, there has to be more to it than that or you wouldn't do this.

You've got a crush on him I think.... is there something lacking with DH?

Original poster
Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 21:45

Can you elaborate on the displacement theory bit a little?

Yes, I definitely think I had a bit of a crush developing previously, but it was one of those fleeting things where you feel a bit nervous around the person but then don't think about them outside of the encounter. Over the past few days I've been thinking about him non-stop and feeling this compulsion to speak to him about things and find out more about him. I feel like an idiot because while he has been very friendly and nice and texted long paragraphs initially, I'm sure he's also wondering why I'm speaking to him - he's not stupid.

DH and I do have a very good relationship generally but as I said I do find him a bit clingy at times, not a huge issue though since we both have work and our own hobbies to do. Since we've been WFH together I've been feeling really smothered and we have a small house so it's not exactly easy to get space. But then again it might be that me snapping at DH has something to do with how I've been thinking about this colleague constantly too. I feel terrible but I can't seem to get it together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 21:52

And yes, I do think it's a bit of escapism - part of me thinks it's completely harmless in that sense but then I keep thinking about him constantly, which is really not productive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 22:08

Any other thoughts/advice?

OP posts:
Nellienamechanger · 21/03/2020 22:11

Are you using it as escapism to cope with the stress?

Either way you are playing with fire, that could damage your relationship and dent his trust in you. How would you feel if your husband was doing this?

Wise up and stop. It’s a choice.

Nellienamechanger · 21/03/2020 22:12

Sorry read your updates. Find a different route to escape if that’s what you need.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/03/2020 22:14

It happens. Try to take the spark you feel by putting it into your marriage, you're probably bored flattered don't beat yourself up but stop the texting or it will snowball. You've no idea of this guy is outside of work, he might fart like a trooper, have ingrown toe nails, a tiny penis, do what you have to if you want to stay married.
You know it is wrong the forbidden fruit, stop it.

Original poster
Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 22:44

I don't know this guy well at all, but I keep feeling this urge to talk to him about all sorts of things, like I want to confide in him for some reason. I must be projecting and as I said initially he was sending me these huge paragraphs but he's probably grown bored of it within a few days! Meanwhile I'm just snapping at DH and going to the next room, anywhere, just to get a moment's alone time...then next thing, I'm re-reading the messages.

If you'd told me a week ago that I'd be feeling this way I would've laughed - it's gone from a low level crush to a constant thought in that time. I think the best thing is to delete the text messages and just try and forget them entirely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 22:51

The ingrown toenails made me laugh Grin I honestly don't even know if he's straight, a colleague of mine previously mentioned she thinks he's gay. Not that it matters really. There's nothing even in the messages of interest, which is what makes me feel even more stupid.

OP posts:
Splitsunrise · 21/03/2020 22:54

Could you talk to DH about how you’re feeling with needing your space?

EmeraldShamrock · 21/03/2020 22:54

It sounds like you've a lot to say and not to your DH. My advice would be to encourage an interest with your husband a talking point. Relationships can be hard work sometimes you need to invest.
It is easy to be flattered and reminded of the good old care free romance day's.
Those days don't last. You are probably in need of a lifestyle change not an affair.
I've often fell out of love with DP or felt meh in the 14 years though as cheesy as it sounds we always fall in love again.

MsDogLady · 21/03/2020 23:05

But then again it might be that me snapping at DH has something to do with how I’ve been thinking about this colleague constantly too.

It sounds like you’re creating emotional distance between yourself and DH while building a connection with this other man. If you value your lovely DH and your marriage, you need to stop acting on your crush. Cease the texting.

Original poster
Lococontigo · 21/03/2020 23:37

I've told DH I'm feeling a bit smothered and that I need a bit of alone time if we're going to get through the next few weeks and months. And yet all I can think about is this colleague - why did he start so friendly and send these long messages and within a few days it seems like he's lost interest. Ridiculous, I know. I shouldn't care at all but I do. It's like my mind wants to fixate on anything right now other than the immediate present, so it's latched on to this guy. It's like a temporary madness has come over me and he's all I'm thinking about.

It's difficult to know what could be done differently with DH right now other than try and give each other more space. We get along really well generally and he is my best friend, but right now I seem to be creating an emotional distance as mentioned and I guess it's because I'm feeling this urge to converse with this other guy.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 22/03/2020 00:05

All I can think about is this colleague-why did he start so friendly and send these long messages and within a few days it seems like he’s lost interest...I shouldn’t care but I do.

You are damaging your marriage. Your colleague may have backed off because he realizes this level of contact is inappropriate. How would you feel if your DH was snapping at you while obsessing over another woman and messaging her several times a day?

Original poster
Lococontigo · 22/03/2020 00:12

That's true, he is probably puzzled more than anything as to why I reached out and he definitely doesn't seem to be the type of person to engage in anything inappropriate, he's reserved and quite private. I don't think I've said anything inappropriate to him but I could certainly be heading that way, I'm feeling very reckless.

Right now I actually feel like I wouldn't even be that fussed if DH was mooning over someone from work, but that's likely the madness talking. I do value DH and our marriage deeply but somehow I'm not connecting the dots right now.

OP posts:
tarasmalatarocks · 22/03/2020 00:16

My H did this 15 years ago at a very stressful point in life, I found out quite a few years after by a complete coincidence as he wrote stuff and I have never felt exactly the same- be very careful, we may love people but it’s not always unconditional!!

category12 · 22/03/2020 00:19

Basically you're displacing your emotions with all the stresses going on, by obsessing about this guy. The corona stuff is too big and out of your control, so your lizard brain is tuning out and heading for safe territory: shagging.

Splitsunrise · 22/03/2020 00:38

How are your finances? Could you arrange any private counselling to help talk this through? Though it would probably be via Skype at the moment.

For now, I would be very forceful in not letting yourself text this other guy. Write down (where your DH can’t see, obviously) a list of 5 reasons why you shouldn’t and why that is best for you and DH..and read every time you feel tempted. It’s not worth it. Flowers

Dontletitbeyou · 22/03/2020 00:42

You definitely are not going to bd the only one , who finds themselves WFH with their DH /DW , and is negatively affected by that . I think we all feel a certain amount of apprehension about that . I certainly do . That coupled with the fear of the unknown , fear of where we are heading with this thing , is going to affect us all emotionally and mentally . Be careful , when we come out the other side , don’t have crossed any lines . If you love you DH, don’t have acted in a way that if he finds out , will ruin what you have .

Nogoodnickname · 22/03/2020 02:27

I think this is some sort of escapism from your daily reality. It may feel good right now,but in all honesty,is this the best thing for you and what you really want? As the saying goes,the grass is always greener, but most people find that it really isn’t.

You say you feel like you wouldn’t be fussed if your DH was mooning over someone from work. I think you would be more than fussed if you weren’t so preoccupied with another man,and he was doing exactly what you’re doing right now! If you love your husband and want your marriage to work, you need to stop this now!

Fizzysours · 22/03/2020 06:23

Isolation is pretty tough. Isolation if your DH just found out you kept talking to someone- will be unbearable. And on another note...work guy is possibly finding you HIGHLY creepy and you are gonna have to face him at some point. Get onto Netflix and watch some telly, woman!! Don't worry, isolation is making us all a bit barking

Original poster
Lococontigo · 22/03/2020 07:28

Thanks for the comments everyone, it's really helping me to talk through it as this is obviously not something I'd tell anyone IRL. Had a dream about the colleague last night and another terrible sleep but my head's feeling a bit more steady.

I think part of it is that I've had to carry a lot of responsibility in these past few weeks as the virus has picked up and it felt nice to do something just for me, where I wasn't in the role of good daughter/wife/manager. It's not an excuse, but it felt so good to pick up the phone and talk to someone outside of it all. It felt exciting but also 'safe', if that makes sense, because the other guy doesn't give me the vibe that he's interested in me so even with my feelings for him growing I know it's never going to go anywhere. I don't think he finds me creepy necessarily, at first he was writing these long messages and replying a lot quicker than I did but he's definitely cooled off. At this stage if it goes no further I think I can face him with no embarrassment as even if my DH were to read the messages I think he'd see there's nothing really in them as such, but obviously he might be hurt that there were several long exchanges a day going on.

I'm going to do my best not to text him today. If I can do one day I can do another, just take it day by day. It'll help that DH has to go in to work a couple of days this week and so do I, so we won't be at home together all day again.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/03/2020 07:55

Do something nice just for yourself today. All work and no play, all responsibilities and all stress is bad for you and you deserve an outlet - but not this kind.