Why am I texting my colleague right now? Head's a mess

[Lococontigo]

I'm married to a very lovely DH, no DC. No real issues to speak of at all, no big arguments, DH very thoughtful and kind.

I've been working with a male colleague from a different department on a project for over a year now. He's a little younger and we've always gotten along well on a professional level but never socialised outside work at all. He's quite a private person and has never mentioned a partner - I don't even know if he's straight or gay. For a couple of months now I've started to feel like I'm looking forward to our meetings more and more and felt like I was developing a crush but we see each other somewhat infrequently and never spoke outside work, so it never really took hold in my mind other than a passing thought.

When the Covid19 outbreak happened my work created a WhatsApp group and so I got this colleague's number. I sent him a message to ask how he was doing - bad move, I know. To my surprise he was very friendly and chatty in his responses and for the past few days we've been texting back and forth several times a day. As this has been unfolding I've been feeling really stressed and tearful constantly because of other Covid19 related things - family arguments over self-isolation, work stress and just general anxiety. I haven't been sleeping and just feel like absolute crap. DH and I have been in each other's face constantly because we're both WFH - DH has always been a bit clingy for my liking but now we are literally spending 24 hours a day in each other's company and I'm finding excuses to get out of the house for a walk.

All throughout this week I've been thinking about this colleague constantly like some weird fixation and keep texting him. It's all very innocent stuff, not flirtatious at all really and DH knew I was texting him to begin with because I mentioned it, but I keep feeling like I want to text him. I am 99% sure he isn't even interested and may just be replying out of politeness - as I said I'm not sure he's even straight. So there is zero potential for any cheating or EA and I'm just probably bothering this guy for no reason at all.

Why am I doing this now? Is it some weird form of escapism from everything that's going on? Feels like over the past week I've suddenly fallen apart and become fixated on this poor unsuspecting guy and am getting really annoyed at DH simultaneously. Please be kind, I feel like absolute crap as it is

You're instigating an emotional affair. I'm not sure if you have crossed the line over to being unfaithful, bit you're very close to it. Cease and desist right now, and grow up. The world is a shitty and scary place. Do not make it worse.

It’s escapism.

Life is not great. You are creating some (potentially disruptive) fun for yourself as a distraction.

You need to stop it, it will cause you huge issues in your marriage and when you go back to work you're risking things being really weird.

He's probably replying to be polite but must be thing wtf does she want?

This happened to my DW. It went further than where you are now. Then lots of deceit, and cunning little ways to communicate. All denied. I’ll never really feel the same about our marriage, or the life I thought I had. It’s felt like a bereavement that I still feel - even years on.
Stop now OP - or be honest with DH about what’s going on.

So I've been away from my phone all day today to stave off any temptation to message him, and pleased to say it's worked. To be fair to myself he initially responded a lot, huge paragraphs of stuff, but maybe like me he was just feeling a bit overwhelmed and in need of a bit of an outlet too. I probably showed a bit too much enthusiasm which may have put him off, nothing really cringey but for example asking questions about his family when he mentioned concerns about them. Whatever the reason, I'm actually so glad he stopped reciprocating in the same way because now if I did continue it would be bleedingly obvious that I had a crush - if it wasn't already!

I'm not sure it could ever really be considered an EA? Since it was all in my head and not reciprocated, the messages themselves mainly related to our new work set-up and our concerns for family and friends around Corona. Stupid me became obsessed on this basis, how embarrassing. But I didn't tell DH we had been messaging several times a day, so I was being secretive about it and I definitely feel ashamed of that.

I'll try not to crack again and message him, I'm feeling fairly certain I won't. I also had a long talk with DH about how I've been really stressed and that I need my space sometimes, to which he was very receptive and understanding.

Hoping I can keep strong and not lose my dignity over this passing mad fantasy!

I can understand that. You had a crush on him, or found him attractive at least but because you didnt see him often and had no way of contacting him, the feelings soon passed. Now you have his number and can contact him, he's all you think about. He was easily forgotten before though and so you will be able to do again. If you want your marriage to survive. It's dangerous because you see him in real life so this could easily develop. Step back.

X

Thank you, I did find previously that when I saw him I felt a bit nervous but then I wouldn't see him again for a few weeks so I'd forget all about it. I wonder if my colleague was right about him being gay - if so, that could also explain why he pulled back if he thought I was getting a bit too friendly. If so, even more embarrassing

Half of me wishes he would text again, the other half just wants to forget it ever happened. I think I just got so excited when he was replying in such a friendly way and got way too carried away.

Well, it's the end of day one of no contact. I feel like I'm coming off a drug high and it's absolutely brutal - I feel like the biggest idiot, obsessing over a guy who in all likelihood didn't think twice about me, it was just a bit of nothing chat for him. I was being secretive and mean to my DH all for nothing. Now I'm sure I won't hear from this guy again and when everything goes back to normal I'll have to see him again and act as if nothing happened. I'm so disappointed in myself and just gutted that I brought it all on myself.

Well done as it is very hard to let go of something we use to escape stress. You should just forget it now and stop feeling bad. No damage done. It just highlighted the need to chat to your husband about space. Job done. Xx

I'm in exactly the same boat OP.