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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Your life partner turns out to a complete idiot amidst coronavirus pandemic. What do you do?

44 replies

sofi123piz · 21/03/2020 20:40

I've been with my partner for close to 2 years, we're both in our 30s and we spend 24/7 together because we're on a long-term trip and work online.

Of course we occasionally fight, but I've had nothing but the utmost respect for him as a human being, as a man, as a friend, and as a boyfriend until now.

Until the coronavirus pandemic hit us.

We are in a foreign country (he is British and I'm Italian) and he had to fly back to the UK to do some paperwork for a week. The UK government has been doing nothing to protect its citizens from the pandemic, but in my country people are dying left and right, so I've been trying to give him as much info and advice as possible.

He ignores it, goes out and parties hard anyway. I can't blame them 100% because I've seen first hand (from my country) that, when the government minimises things, people won't take it seriously either.

But then the government changes their mind and start telling people they should stay home. He still travels between cities to see other friends.

A few days later, he gets a temperature. He calls the NHS, they tell him to isolate, he misses his flight back to foreign country.

But he doesn't self-isolate. His friend (who's hosting him) invites his ex gf over !!!!!!!! so he has to get out. He goes out and has dinner with other friends.

Meanwhile I keep texting that this is all very wrong, he could very well have the virus even if his temperature only lasted 1 day.

Next thing I know, he starts insisting he'll travel back to foreign country ASAP, is denying he even ever got a temperature and says he had a "hot flush" instead, and he "knows he doesn't have the virus otherwise he wouldn't travel / the people he's seen don't have any symptoms".

Obviously the incubation period is 14 days, so that makes no sense. he cannot know whether he has or had it, since he didn't (and can't) get tested. And if he travels now, he risks spreading the virus around, including to the rural communities we are around now. Full of old people!!!

The more I've been advising against this reckless and irresponsible behaviour, the more he's been getting fed up with me telling him off. He ended up telling me to stop "bloody messaging him" because that was "non stop and driving him crazy". (first time he's ever been this rude to me)

I stopped messaging him completely and a few hours later he wrote that he was sorry, blabla whatever but never admitted he's being irresponsible, he keeps defending his position.

I literally am in disbelief at how someone I've been with 24/7 for close to 2 years and that I've always admired, loved and respected has become a complete idiot, mentally impaired over the course of 5 days.

I cried a lot yesterday, hired an online therapist that luckily could fit me in for 1 hour session and then just decided to get myself drunk (I never do) to forget for a few hours.

I am losing respect, day by day, and I don't know if my relationship can come out of this. How can I be with someone who's willingly spreading a virus among his family, friends and possibly people he'll come across while travelling. People might DIE as a result. It's f@@@@@g pandemic.

If I were reading this from the outside, I know what I would say. Dump him!
But I'm genuinely shocked, and can't piece the 2 personalities together.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
RLEOM · 21/03/2020 20:48

Is he normally selfish? Has he been watching the news?!

LexMitior · 21/03/2020 21:17

You know what. Tell them that nearly 70 per cent of Coronavirus infections are on men. And you are more likely to die of it if you are a man.

Part of it is that men’s immune systems do not handle illness as well as women. Part is that they take more risks, they don’t isolate as early.

Then leave it. Really.

sofi123piz · 21/03/2020 21:40

He is never selfish, the contrary! I don’t what kind of news he’s been watching or not but I’ve been forwarding articles, videos etc!

OP posts:
sofi123piz · 21/03/2020 21:42

@RLEOM He is never selfish, the contrary! I don’t what kind of news he’s been watching or not but in any case I’ve been forwarding articles, videos etc! No excuse really!

OP posts:
sofi123piz · 21/03/2020 21:43

@LexMitior I think I’ve also mentioned it’s worse on men, but apparently to no avail. I just don’t understand how this is the same person anymore

OP posts:
ichbineinstasumer · 21/03/2020 21:47

you are right, but it is difficult for people to take in the reality of the situation and it sounds as if your bf hasn't done that yet. I think that's understandable, it's so very far from anything we have ever imagined. It's like reading about the terrible things that happened in the second world war, it's very hard to relate that to your life in the present day for most people. So if you can, I would be understanding, but I do agree he should not be putting others at risk by travelling or spending time in an area which may not yet have this problem to deal with.

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2020 21:50

It is selfishness. I doubt he doesn’t grasp it, unless he has additional needs, he just doesn’t wish it to restrict him. Personally I’d be furious.

sofi123piz · 21/03/2020 21:57

I’ve even sent him a freakin picture of military convoys having to move our dead out of the city because they are too many to be cremated there and mentioned (twice) this is going to stress our relationship / I would need to re evaluate him as a person.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 21/03/2020 21:58

Stupidity is a very unattractive trait.

Squirrel134 · 21/03/2020 22:06

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I think he is probably scared shitless and trying to brave it out. He knows he is being stupid and selfish, but he is not alone in this - as you can see.
He is an adult and you cannot be responsible for his behaviour. Try as much to protect yourself as best you can, and keep safe, don't nag him anymore it is usually pointless & they only turn it on us instead.
Don't worry too much about your relationship - most relationships will be severely tested with this pandemic, & you guys have some experience of being together 24/7/.

This is different, so you may both struggle through in diff. ways, try to accept in times of panic you are more level-headed and practical than he is.
Take care and breathe Flowers

SistemaAddict · 21/03/2020 22:18

I'd have to end the relationship. I couldn't cope with that amount of irresponsibility.

BlankTimes · 21/03/2020 22:37

Don't see him in person until you're absolutely sure he doesn't have it.

Nearlyalmost50 · 21/03/2020 22:39

All you can do is keep yourself safe away from him. And, yes, it would affect how I felt towards him as he's prepared to give it not only to randoms, but to you and I know my lovely husband just wouldn't ever do anything to risk me in all this and that's the very least you should expect. Set your rules about your own self-isolation (do you want him back around you if he's potentially still got it?), don't bother sending any more videos, and he might start to realise you are right.

Wallowinginfilth · 21/03/2020 22:42

If I were reading this from the outside, I know what I would say. Dump him! you took the words out of my mouth there.

sofi123piz · 22/03/2020 02:09

Ah yes whatever happens IF and when he is back, I’ll stay away for 14 days in any case.

I don’t think I can cope with his amount of irresponsibility either. Thank you..

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 22/03/2020 02:19

i guess it wasn't his extended family that were dying.
when the going gets tough you want a really great steady partner, he'd be getting close to the chopping block with that attitude.

HannaYeah · 22/03/2020 02:28

It’s just denial. I’ve seen it here in the US. The reality and magnitude is not sinking in for everyone right away. After all, it’s all really hard to believe and happened so fast.

If he’s not normally selfish or irresponsible I would be more understanding... from a far distance.

SignGrudgeBluebook · 22/03/2020 03:05

He may be 'perfect' but you have to ask yourself what is happening here psychologically. Analyse him basically. Instead of just being shocked, try and gain insight as to why he is doing what he is doing.

I think he is running around seeing people because he is 'off the leash'. This along with his stupidity would have me dumping his arse so fast.

The trouble is you will be unlikely to ever be able attribute anyones death directly to his wreckless behaviour and this is the Get Out Of Jail Free card for so many that behave like a cunt wreckless idiot in these times. LTB. You are seeing him through rose tinted spectacles when in fact he has no self control and is a cunt mental pygmy with no thought for anyone but himself.

tribpot · 22/03/2020 05:21

This is unlikely to be the last crisis that you have to face as a couple (although hopefully the only pandemic on this scale). He has shown you his true colours; this is not someone you can depend on.

The fact he even called the NHS for a fever is unbelievably irresponsible. The advice is clear and he wasted a 111 worker's time, which could have been spent on someone who actually needed it. And then ignored the advice anyway.

I understand that you think he is acting out of character at the moment, but I think it is more likely you have simply never had the opportunity to see how he behaves when sustained changes are required for someone else's benefit.

probablysue · 22/03/2020 06:27

You’ve seen the true him. For the last couple of years you’ve been seeing him through “perfect man” goggles. Has your relationship actually ever been tested? Any bereavements or anything stressful? Probably not. It’s easy to be great when the going is good. Now you’ve had a snapshot of what life would be like if you ever had to rely on him in a time of crisis or if you had kids and life got bad. You’ve had a lucky insight because now you have the opportunity to not live that life. You have an opportunity here. Don’t blow it. I had this and I ignored it. I went on to have kids with somebody like this. My advice is don’t. He’s not listening to your opinion or respecting that you know more about this situation. Can you imagine parenting with this man!! Nope nope nope

Seventyone72seventy3 · 22/03/2020 06:42

Whatever you decide to do, this whole incident has given you an insight into his character and one aspect of that is clearly that he doesn't listen or value what you say. Don't forget that.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 22/03/2020 06:47

The UK government has been doing nothing to protect its citizens from the pandemic

Except the UK government isn't "doing nothing".

FlowerArranger · 22/03/2020 06:54

He is showing you who he really is. Believe him.

itgetsthehoseagain · 22/03/2020 07:10

I think you might be overreacting. Some people are struggling to see the magnitude of the situation; he's one of them.

OldUnit · 22/03/2020 07:21

I'd have lost all respect for him by now tbh and for me, that's a biggie.