Your life partner turns out to a complete idiot amidst coronavirus pandemic. What do you do?

[sofi123piz]

I've been with my partner for close to 2 years, we're both in our 30s and we spend 24/7 together because we're on a long-term trip and work online.

Of course we occasionally fight, but I've had nothing but the utmost respect for him as a human being, as a man, as a friend, and as a boyfriend until now.

Until the coronavirus pandemic hit us.

We are in a foreign country (he is British and I'm Italian) and he had to fly back to the UK to do some paperwork for a week. The UK government has been doing nothing to protect its citizens from the pandemic, but in my country people are dying left and right, so I've been trying to give him as much info and advice as possible.

He ignores it, goes out and parties hard anyway. I can't blame them 100% because I've seen first hand (from my country) that, when the government minimises things, people won't take it seriously either.

But then the government changes their mind and start telling people they should stay home. He still travels between cities to see other friends.

A few days later, he gets a temperature. He calls the NHS, they tell him to isolate, he misses his flight back to foreign country.

But he doesn't self-isolate. His friend (who's hosting him) invites his ex gf over !!!!!!!! so he has to get out. He goes out and has dinner with other friends.

Meanwhile I keep texting that this is all very wrong, he could very well have the virus even if his temperature only lasted 1 day.

Next thing I know, he starts insisting he'll travel back to foreign country ASAP, is denying he even ever got a temperature and says he had a "hot flush" instead, and he "knows he doesn't have the virus otherwise he wouldn't travel / the people he's seen don't have any symptoms".

Obviously the incubation period is 14 days, so that makes no sense. he cannot know whether he has or had it, since he didn't (and can't) get tested. And if he travels now, he risks spreading the virus around, including to the rural communities we are around now. Full of old people!!!

The more I've been advising against this reckless and irresponsible behaviour, the more he's been getting fed up with me telling him off. He ended up telling me to stop "bloody messaging him" because that was "non stop and driving him crazy". (first time he's ever been this rude to me)

I stopped messaging him completely and a few hours later he wrote that he was sorry, blabla whatever but never admitted he's being irresponsible, he keeps defending his position.

I literally am in disbelief at how someone I've been with 24/7 for close to 2 years and that I've always admired, loved and respected has become a complete idiot, mentally impaired over the course of 5 days.

I cried a lot yesterday, hired an online therapist that luckily could fit me in for 1 hour session and then just decided to get myself drunk (I never do) to forget for a few hours.

I am losing respect, day by day, and I don't know if my relationship can come out of this. How can I be with someone who's willingly spreading a virus among his family, friends and possibly people he'll come across while travelling. People might DIE as a result. It's f@@@@@g pandemic.

If I were reading this from the outside, I know what I would say. Dump him!
But I'm genuinely shocked, and can't piece the 2 personalities together.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I can’t imagine what it is like for you to be away and watching the horror continue to escalate in you own country. I also have an Italian IL here in the UK and they are in utter despair watching their family, friends and beloved country crash.

Has he been emotionally supporting you around this? That’s the most important question. Why has he not minimised his trip so that he can be with you? You must be devastated, bereft and feel so emotionally lonely right now.

Sounds like he has abandoned you physically and emotionally in your crisis. And worse is even contemptuous, patronising and deliberately resistant to working with you.

He sounds immature and selfish. He hasn’t been there for you when you need him.

I hope that your family and friends can keep safe and I feel deeply for you watching this from afar.

I think you have seen how he deals with a crisis. (Head in sand. Fingers in ears going lalalalala)

This is how he will deal with a crisis. Medical issue, unemployment, problem with pregnancy or birth.

This is him. Take it or leave it.

I think you have seen how he deals with a crisis. (Head in sand. Fingers in ears going lalalalala)

^This is how he will deal with a crisis. Medical issue, unemployment, problem with pregnancy or birth.*

This

You’ve been together 24 months, hardly a life partner. Thank your lucky stars that you’ve found this out now.

Out if your lifetime, 2 years is nothing! ‘The rest of your life’ with this moron is a life sentence.

Stupid & selfish are not traits you want in a life partner.

He’s showing you his true nature...he’s not listening to you, you have genuine concerns & he’s shutting you down.

Staying with & especially having kids with him would be a big mistake.

As sad as it is, I wouldn’t have him back
Nor would I let him collect his stuff in the house/tent wherever you are I’d bag it up and deliver it to wherever he’s staying.

He’s a complete moron, risking others lives...
Cut yourself free

Hard I know 🌷

My DH, Dad and some male friends seem to be struggling more to follow this advice, is it that men can’t handle being told what to do?

Your BF clearly thinks that the rules don’t apply to him, that shows an arrogance, a really ugly trait

There's a lot of people out there who are not considering this their problem unfortunately. I've witnessed some first hand (via messages, I'm in isolation) and it's utterly despicable, and unforgivable actually.

In your position I think I might ask him to not return to you. Within a couple of weeks reality is going hit big time in the UK, and like Italy it will be too late.

needsmorebooks is right. We are at the thin end of a massive wedge. The country should have learned lessons from Italy and shut down at the outset but the government in their wisdom decided this was too much to stomach and have let us down. In three weeks, how it is now will feel like paradise. The numbers of sufferers they are quoting is utter bollocks and this is making people believe there are relatively few sick people when people with half a synapse are aware there are thousands of people behind closed doors with this disease and a mass of people for each one that has had it passed to them before the symptoms showed. This situation could not have been handled much worse. The genie is out of the bottle now. There are an awful lot of people that quite honestly should be shunned socially forever after this.

The UK government has been doing nothing to protect its citizens from the pandemic

Not true, but the OP is making a lot of sweeping and hysterical statements, name calling her partner and needing her therapist and crying. Geez, get a grip! I think people, including the OP, are being hysterical, as the above sweeping statement shows. The reality is we are all in the dark, and people are trying their best with the information at hand. I know I am not allowed to say this - because people seem to be getting incredibly angry and self-righteous on this subject.

Personally, I am an "at risk" person so probably wouldn't travel around etc unless it was necessary. I can see why healthy young people would take a wider view of things.

Try telling him it'll make his dick shrivel up to 1/3 its size and he'll be impotent.

He's self absorbed and immature. He doesn't listen to or respect what you have to say.

I agree with others that this is his true colors.
You said you are long term work traveling. How is he with meeting his obligations?

I'd have to dump him after this.

A few family members have been behaving recklessly. I've lost any respect I had for them.

Sorry to hear that @middleager

@RantyAnty ahah I like your approach.

@MoreRoomSign sure, half the world is hysteric and shutting down their economies and countries because we're all hysteric 👌🏻👏🏻 Sorry if I find that my partner completely ignoring my advice (coming from close friends working in hospitals in Italy), the WHO's advice and putting people in danger is a deal breaker and that really upsets me 😊 good for you if you think that your partner doing the same would be OK!

Also, yes, the British government didn't do anything for weeks / days, saying that "you need to wash your hands for 20 seconds singing a birthday song" was enough and that people in the UK "had to get used to lose loved ones". If you read through my initial post, you'll see I later mention "the govt then changes their opinion",

Thanks everyone for your comments. When I say "life partner" I mean the person I thought I'd be with for good, of course I'm aware that 2 years isn't "a lot in a lifetime".

He started apologising yesterday and said that it was hard for him to understand the gravity of things since everything was still normal in the UK until a few days ago, "he didn't red the news" (bullshit, and in any case I sent him articles and videos imploring him to avoid going and partying) blablablabla but at this point I feel like I've lost respect.

He's just made himself sound like a right idiot with his 'understand the gravity' bullshit.
As we all know this is all over SM and the news. Its pretty much all everyone is talking about.
He's just making excuses for his totally irresponsible behaviour and that is not someone I would want to spend the rest of my days with.

Thanks everyone, finally looks like he's come to his senses, has postponed all plans and is self-isolated, admitted what an irresponsible d### he's been and has called the (luckily, very few) people he's seen over the last couple of days to tell them they should also isolate just in case.

Three things here:

One - him being a dick about the virus.

Two - him not being attentive to you during this time of escalating horror in your home country and going to to dismiss / ridicule your worries.

Three - YOU now tolerating and justifying his poor treatment of you. He has shown you who he is.

@Gutterton I never said I'm going to tolerate but I'm relieved at least no more people are not going to be in trouble because of his actions now!

It’s good that he’s admitted his mistake. Perhaps there is hope for your relationship yet. But there must have been a strong element of wilful blindness which seems particularly insensitive given the horrors you have been facing in Italy.

No-one is overreacting but some people are under-reacting and until recently that has in fact included our government. The MP for Tooting who is also a senior hospital doctor reported that she’s seeing previously healthy people in their 30s and 40s now fighting for their lives in the ICU. And an 18 year old died in the last day or so. Yes, they had an underlying health condition but hadn’t been to one of the original hotspots so someone gave them the infection in the UK and without that they would otherwise still be here. So irresponsible behaviour is inexcusable.

Keep well and safe everyone.

sofi
I think you answered your own question in your OP.

You asked what do you do if your potential life partner turns out to be an idiot in the current circumstances.
I would suggest that you pay close attention to how he has behaved.

He has essentially not taken any notice of all of the health advice that is being broadcast by both British and Italian authorities.
He has take no notice of the information that you shared with him.
He has taken no notice of your concerns and has, in fact, turned this back on to you - saying that you were driving him crazy.
He has decided that "being off the leash" and having fun is more important that his health, your health and the health of people around him.

Now, fast forward to 10 years time. You have 2 children.
Some similar life crisis emerges;- losing your job and have difficulty paying the mortgage, one of your children has a significant illness, you become ill.

What have you learned about how he will respond in those circumstances?

As the parenting motto goes "what we do shouts so loud, they cant hear what we say".
Listen to what he has done.

Glad if he's being a bit more sensible.

Do you think he has an alcohol problem?

The difficulty is when something difficult happens and the way someone reacts to it is a shock for you, it's hard then to feel you can rely on them or feel they are a place of comfort and safety in future.

This isn't unique to this situation, it's just the first thing that's shown you how he reacts to a crisis and also how he communicates with you during a crisis.

He's not just displayed poor judgement and utterly selfish, irresponsible behaviour, he's also repeatedly told you he doesn't care you're worried and that you should stop banging on about it.

I would find it hard to think of him the same way now because id worry this could be his default reaction to other crises in future, whether global ones like this or personal ones within a family.