I've caught my husband watching porn

[Darragh16]

Am I being unreasonable because I'm angry at my husband for watching porn and just having filth on his phone in general! Hes always very secretive with his phone and acts all weird if I ask to borrow it to make a phone call or something. I'm currently sat in my bedroom crying my eyes out. I've really struggling these past 2 years with my mental health. The medication I've been put on has caused me to gain a bit of weight and I just feel unattractive so hence I dont feel like having sex. I understand men have needs, but this has been going on even before that. Hes in WhatsApp groups with his friends and it's just pure filth they send to each other. I'm not happy about it. I've asked him to leave the groups but he says it's only a bit of fun. It's not fun to me. Am I being unreasonable??

This sounds more to do with how you see yourself and not wanting sex rather than finding him watching porn. Are you getting any help?

To be honest I have no faith in the health service. I've been to my doctor and told them the medication is making me gain weight and I've lost my sex drive. I was more or less told to deal with it, it's either that or come off the antidepressants and have depression & anxiety again. I do agree with you that a bit of this is to do with my own issues. But I've caught him now a good few times. It just makes me think why does he need to look at things like that? Its just sleazy.

Porn is sleazy and disgusting, no wonder you feel like shit. You also don't have to accept it. It's not 'the norm'.

It really wouldn't bother me. I think the issue is with how you're feeling about yourself. He probably fancies the pants off you, your just not feeling to good right now.

There are so many issues here OP.

Why are you reading his messages?
People are allowed to masturbate but if porn is a dealbreaker for you, then make that clear.
What else are you doing, apart from taking medication regarding your mental health? eg therapy, exercise, healthy eating, supplements, mindfulness, yoga, meditation, lifestyle changes...
Are you having sex with your partner and if not, how is that affecting your relationship?

I wasnt reading his messages, we were trying to find a place in the car and I used his phone to turn on maps, a message just popped up of a naked woman so I clicked on it and I saw him and his mates convo, my husband was all "mmmm" it's just so creepy theres no need for it! I have told him before I'm not happy about this and he told me it wouldnt happen again. God only knows what stuff hes looking at that I dont know about!

With regards to my mental health. I've moved to my husbands area, we're actually living in his mothers house, she went into a home and gave us her house. We haven't had the money to redecorate it. So it feels like I'm living in his mums house. Nothings my own. I hate this area, I miss my family and friends. Everything I do seems to be for him. I just feel trapped in this situation. We cant afford to move and my kids are settled in school here so it wouldnt be fair to move them. All this is at the root of my mental health problems

I think you need to be clear with yourself and him what your dealbreakers are.

If you feel this is a dealbreaker because it will impact your confidence, mental health and ability to have a healthy relationship with him then you need to communicate to him clearly that he is risking the relationship.

If he doesn't want to stop then the relationship is going to become more and more toxic, your confidence and mental health more and more impacted and so you need to be willing to follow through and if it's a dealbreaker then the relationship is over.

Alternatively if you want to work on your mental health separately to him for your own benefit, and think that it might help with this issue, that's your prerogative. But if it's something you disagree with morally regardless, then you need to be clear to yourself and him if it's a dealbreaker or not.

This is true of all dealbreakers, regardless of what they are. So it doesn't matter if other people would / wouldn't have a problem with porn etc, what matters is whether YOU can cope with it.

Sorry cross posted. OP this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all. It sounds like you and your children (is he their dad? Only as hard to tell if this is a newish relationship or not) sort of slot around what is convenient for him.

Like I said, you need to be clear what your dealbreakers and boundaries are then act accordingly x

Yes they are his children. Dont get me wrong hes not a bad person. Hes very good to me in other ways. Hes an amazing father. I've been with him 15 years, married 5. Hes just not very good at taking my feelings into consideration sometimes. I feel like I'm living his life. I've lost my identity. And then he does this. It's just so disrespectful. But then I think is this a normal thing that all men do? Am i being too hard on him

I don’t think you are unreasonnable but it seems the norm today so we are probably in the minority.

On a side note, I think bringing everything to your mental health as if you should work on yourself to accept it is really low.

Yes you should continue getting better and I hope you do but I think that laddish behaviour is still gross. Good luck OP x

Thank you x

But then I think is this a normal thing that all men do? Am i being too hard on him

I think though as I said before OP, if it's affecting your mental health and the situation is so unhealthy then it doesn't matter what is 'normal' if it's something you can't cope with.

I wouldn't be with a smoker, or someone who did hunting, or someone with a criminal record - for a variety of reasons. Not everyone would agree with me and not everyone who does those things are evil... but they are my boundaries and dealbreakers.

Neither party needs outside approval or a tick box to tell you what's 'acceptable' or 'normal' in a relationship - you get to decide for yourself but then you need to follow through and act on it, being willing to leave if a boundary is crossed or dealbreaker becomes apparent and they don't want to compromise or change.

@BackseatCookers yeah I get what you mean. This is a deal breaker for me. I'm gonna have to sit him down and discuss this tonight when I get the kids to bed. Thank you x

You are right thta you need to sit him down to have an honest and frank discussion. Meanwhile, I do think that watching porn means he has done something worse. But I think you need let him know how this is affecting and perhaps get his apologies and reassurance.

Just as an aside have you thought of changing your medication for st johns wort? It won’t suit everyone and can clash with some medication but there are numerous studies saying it’s as effective as anti depressants (but of course it’s natural so doesn’t make pharmaceutical companies any profit)
Pub med studies:
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4946846/
www.google.co.uk/search?q=pubmed+st+johns+wort+compared+to+antidepressants&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

I'm not upset if he watches porn but many are. I think if you've asked him not to and laid out the reasons it would be good of him to respect that, however I don't think you can control other people either.

Porn generally isn't about not being attracted to their partner. It's just stimulation, as men are often more visual and less aroused by imagining things than women.

The ethical issues surrounding porn are very complex and are a good argument against porn. However I don't think that's why you're upset and I think you need to work on your feelings of insecurity - but I would express to him how you feel and ask him whether he could support you in improving your confidence.

Again though you're not his master so you can't really stop him.

The conversations would anger me if they were misogynistic in nature though.

@wonderrotunda I tried st John's wort before it did help a bit but not greatly. Ive been researching 5htp recently. Once all this virus stuff is over I'm going to go back and see my doctor to discuss how I can come off these anti d's. I don't like the feeling of being on these at all! They aren't helping me. I think I'm actually feeling worse than before I started. They do a good job of dulling down my emotions but the problem is they dull down EVERY emotion!

I found my xh objectifying women through porn a total turn off but he had other issues around phone use. One of the things that broke me in the end was I was trying to talk to him about disciplining the kids and he was on his phone. The next day I searched his history for what was so important... and it was porn. We were fucked by then anyway but I just couldn't be with someone like that and he had to go. Good luck I hope he respects your boundaries

@CorianderLord I understand I'm not his master but surely marriage is about compromising. This is something I'm not happy about and ive told him that numerous times, and if I catch him doing it again I'm really not sure if I'll be able to stay in this marriage any longer. Hes almost 40, theres an element of just grow up for god sake! and yes the messages were misogynistic, that's how him and SOME (not all) of his mates are. But I realise I cant tell him not to be mates with certain people.

Going back to the St. John’s...did you use a good quality brand? Some have very little active ingredients and if you felt it helped it might be worth trying another brand...solgar or viridian perhaps. Also maybe read up on SAM-e

He’s allowed to be in a group chat with his friends and to have a laugh with them even if it is a ripe

"surely marriage is about compromising"

Perhaps if you have no sex life, a compromise could be that he is allowed to watch porn?

@BubblyBarbara no ones saying hes not allowed to be in a group chat. It's just disgusting some of the stuff that gets shared in it. If it was the other way about and my girls pals were send end me naked pics of men wanking off and I was going 'mmm' would he really be so forgiving. I dont think so. It's just disrespectful. We made a view when we got married that we would forsake all others, so where do you draw the line