Advice needed: I just read my partners chat logs to an old "friend" and it has freaked me out, what should I do?

[fedup1981]

Been together two and a half years, just had a baby together. She is an old school friend from 12 years back, he's mentioned her before (back before he got friendly with her again via a social networking site) and told me he dated her friend just to get next to her. By all accounts he had a huge crush on her.

So he was talking to her for as far as I can tell the first time time this evening, all evening on chat. I assumed he was talking to his mates, only asked later on who it was and he said it was her. He had had this funny smile on his face all evening so when he went to bed I checked his chatlogs with her.

It isn't horrifically bad stuff but I'm feeling quite upset. Lots of flirting and reminiscing, talking about relationships and exes etc, confessed to her that the reason he broke up with his "trog" ex was because her brother found him in her bed with another girl.

Said that he was feeling a bit trapped by me and the baby and sometimes wished he was still single, and he felt like he was stuck with me now because having a baby was more commitment than a mortgage or a marriage even, and "his options were now limited" - that he had ignored me being pregnant for a while and hoped it would just "go away". He then backtracked and told her he loved me and wanted to be with me, but there was a but on the end of the sentence and I feel like shit....

Said he wanted to meet up and reminisce with her, and myself and her boyfriend would just have to lump it while they chatted, and that he'd been considering being selfish and meeting up with friends without me and the baby, but he knew he couldn't get away with it.

Lots of chat about how she had a disarming smile, lots of smooth talking about what a crush he'd had on her, how she was too good for him (she responded in kind, and lots of flirting was blamed on wine, also told him she'd thought he was so cool and she was jealous when her friend had gone out with him, only for him to say how much he regretted that. and "what are you doing on tuesday? hohoho" bollocks.

I don't know what to do, I can't stop shaking. I feel like if I confront him then he'll think I dont trust him (one of the things he told her was "it's ok, she trusts me" when she asked if she was getting him in trouble)

I feel hurt and scared by his comments, I feel so fucking vulnerable sitting here feeding his newborn child while he flirts with some girl. Plus two years ago I had cyber sex with some american guy and he read my chatlogs and confronted me about it, so I know he'll throw that in my face but I'd never met the american guy, had no plans to, and was just using it for titillation, it wasn't some kind of emotional thing.

Plus I'm also feeling like shit because he's been making comments about my weight recently in a "jokey" way but I know he's finding me less and less attractive, and this girl looks amazing from the photo she posted.

Oh god what do I do.

Hi guys, thanks once again for all your thoughts on this. I haven't checked his chatlogs since I last posted here a few days ago. I'm no longer tempted to check them because he's giving me no cause to check.

I can't tell him to use the computer less, really. Without going into detail, he works in computers and they're his life, it'd be like telling Bill Gates to "stay off the pc a bit" lol

BUT he hasn't been spending ages on the net talking to her. I don't know if that's because she hasn't been around or what, but he hasn't been doing anything to make me suspicious.

I decided to tidy myself up a bit, dressing in real clothes again instead of tracksuit bottoms and tshirts, putting on some makeup and running the straighteners through my hair before he gets home.

He's noticed and always tells me I look nice, and it's certainly helped our love life (although I'm constantly knackered now lol) I've bought some nice underwear and some new clothes which haven't arrived yet but hopefully they'll all help my confidence, he's always more attracted to me when I'm feeling confident and looking nice anyway.

Funnily enough, HE appears to have started putting more effort in since this all started too. He's helped out more round the house this week than ever before, he's been great with our son and he's even tidied himself up more too. Maybe we just needed a wakeup call generally.

Obviously there are other issues beyond just remembering why we are together, and we do need to work on them, but I think this has had the best possible outcome so far at least.

Glad you're feeling better fedup.

Just a cautious note, there's no way he could be meeting her during the day is there? I just remember a friend saying her ex was smartening himself up and giving her more attention when he had an affair and alarm bells rang when I read this.
Probably not the case here but just be careful.

Absolutely not, she lives about 140 miles away, and no spare money for petrol etc. I know when he's at work because as soon as he gets there he turns his IM on and we chat a bit during the day- not to keep tracks on him, we've always done this, just because we like chatting together.

Don't worry though, I will keep my wits about me!

Oh that's good then

Does he talk to her during the day too do you think?

Yeah, by the looks of things they were/are exchanging a few emails but no chat. He's always run off his feet at work, he wouldn't get the opportunity or the privacy to really get away with much.

Go me, I'm still not checking up on him.

how you doing now hun?

Glad you're feeling a bit better.

He hasn't spoken to her for a good few days, but last night he was talking to her for an hour or so. I didn't say anything, but I was annoyed because our baby was having a bad night and wouldn't stop crying. I had had him all day and was at the end of my tether, trying him with milk, nappy change, dummy, cuddles, gripe water, settling him down to sleep...nothing worked no matter how many times I tried. And he sat there chatting to her on the laptop.

Eventually I had to go and wash/sterilise a bottle in case ds was hungry, and I had to ask him to hold the baby. I was rushing because baby was crying and managed to pour scalding water on my fingers. When I rushed in with the bottle a few minutes later, ds was still screaming, and dp just had him lay on his lap giving him no interaction at all, while he carried on talking to that bloody girl. I was fuming.

Anyway, he had been hinting at wanting sex all day, so at this point I said "I'm going to bed after I've given him this bottle. If you're going to be chatting on there for hours don't bother asking me for sex when you finally come to bed"

He took the hint and came to bed. But of course today I'm feeling weak, partly because I'm not very well, and partly due to a hideous nightmare about the situation (where she was blonde and model-stunning, and stole my baby and moved in here with dp and put zombies outside so I couldn't get to the house)

So I went on his laptop but before I could access his chatlogs, a message came up warning him that he was signed on in two locations (he's signed onto it at work) so now he knows I went on his laptop. I've made a valid sounding excuse but I'll have to be more careful...

I haven't really go anything to suggest, sounds like a bad day, try to keep a calm head right now.

FedUp I'm sorry but I think your DH is being really very selfish and childish.

I don't think he is having an affair but he is still making you feel really bad emotionally and inferior during one of the most difficult and trying times in your life. Having a new baby is 1000x times harder on you than it is for him and yet he is the one whining about being "trapped". How could he even be thinking of himself when he has a wife and a new baby?

He should be realising that you are overwhelmed and busting your ass raising his child. You have just gone through 9 months of pregnancy (which is more than he could handle) and the hardship of having a new baby. Instead of moaning about it and trying to escape you are sacrificing a lot to take damn good care of his child.

Thank god women put children first becuse men only know how to put their dicks first, even if it is just the cheap online thrill of talking to an ex. Where the hell would children be if we all behaved like men do?

Children would all be neglected and miserable and society would crumble. Men know they can just think of themselves and act like morons because women will always put other first and pick up the slack.

He needs to stop flirting and he needs to grow up. So does she. She is being a bitch basically.

I used to be good buddies and chat with my ex on the net until he found someone else and she fell pregnant right away. I cut off contact with him because I didn't want to cause any problems.

He and I were just friends and had no attraction whatsoever (that's why we split up years before) but I didn't want his new partner to feel self-conscious at such an important time in her life so I stopped talking to him.

Little children and the family unit always come first!!