Advice needed: I just read my partners chat logs to an old "friend" and it has freaked me out, what should I do?

[fedup1981]

Been together two and a half years, just had a baby together. She is an old school friend from 12 years back, he's mentioned her before (back before he got friendly with her again via a social networking site) and told me he dated her friend just to get next to her. By all accounts he had a huge crush on her.

So he was talking to her for as far as I can tell the first time time this evening, all evening on chat. I assumed he was talking to his mates, only asked later on who it was and he said it was her. He had had this funny smile on his face all evening so when he went to bed I checked his chatlogs with her.

It isn't horrifically bad stuff but I'm feeling quite upset. Lots of flirting and reminiscing, talking about relationships and exes etc, confessed to her that the reason he broke up with his "trog" ex was because her brother found him in her bed with another girl.

Said that he was feeling a bit trapped by me and the baby and sometimes wished he was still single, and he felt like he was stuck with me now because having a baby was more commitment than a mortgage or a marriage even, and "his options were now limited" - that he had ignored me being pregnant for a while and hoped it would just "go away". He then backtracked and told her he loved me and wanted to be with me, but there was a but on the end of the sentence and I feel like shit....

Said he wanted to meet up and reminisce with her, and myself and her boyfriend would just have to lump it while they chatted, and that he'd been considering being selfish and meeting up with friends without me and the baby, but he knew he couldn't get away with it.

Lots of chat about how she had a disarming smile, lots of smooth talking about what a crush he'd had on her, how she was too good for him (she responded in kind, and lots of flirting was blamed on wine, also told him she'd thought he was so cool and she was jealous when her friend had gone out with him, only for him to say how much he regretted that. and "what are you doing on tuesday? hohoho" bollocks.

I don't know what to do, I can't stop shaking. I feel like if I confront him then he'll think I dont trust him (one of the things he told her was "it's ok, she trusts me" when she asked if she was getting him in trouble)

I feel hurt and scared by his comments, I feel so fucking vulnerable sitting here feeding his newborn child while he flirts with some girl. Plus two years ago I had cyber sex with some american guy and he read my chatlogs and confronted me about it, so I know he'll throw that in my face but I'd never met the american guy, had no plans to, and was just using it for titillation, it wasn't some kind of emotional thing.

Plus I'm also feeling like shit because he's been making comments about my weight recently in a "jokey" way but I know he's finding me less and less attractive, and this girl looks amazing from the photo she posted.

Oh god what do I do.

Don't tell him anytyhing but go away for the next weekend without the child and leave him to babysit all weekend because you're seeing an old friend.

Hi guys, thanks for the advice/responses once again.

Well, the day after he asked me if we could go to the pub with her, I was still feeling a bit niggled by it to say the least, and couldn't stop feeling uncomfortable when he was chatting online with her, even though he wasn't hiding his behaviour. I said I wouldn't check on him again but I was alone all day with my thoughts (I know that's a crap excuse) and eventually I just thought "oh for gods SAKE just go and look and stop stressing"

So I checked his email and saw an email conversation with her that was like "I'm sorry about last night, I feel like an idiot for saying what I did, hope I didn't make you uncomfortable?" from him to her. OMG too intriguing to leave alone! I went and read his chatlogs again and I'm so glad I did.

It was a long conversation and I had to read quickly (he can check his computer from work and would be able to see what I was doing) so I can only give you the gist, but basically at the beginning of the conversation she seemed to be trying to coax him into admitting past or even current feelings for her.

He played dumb for a while but eventually said "ok look, 12 years ago I had a crush on you, but it was a long time ago. My feelings towards you now are a moot point because I have fedup1981 and our baby, and I'd never hurt her" (yay!)

She also mentioned a message I'd left him on the social networking site where they met (not subtle: a kiss mark with a message of "come to bed, you") and asked if he thought it was a message to her that he was mine. He said it probably was, and she said "oh I feel bad for making her feel the need to do that, maybe I should leave you alone"

Then the rest of the conversation was really awkward and stilted, she was obviously quite pissed off and trying to conceal it/save face by saying "You're obviously busy/talking to someone else/fedup1981 needs you, so I'll let you go" etc

I'm so chuffed he said what he did, he even mentioned how emotional the birth of our baby was and stuff which made me laugh as it must have been a big turnoff for her since she's obviously using him for an ego boost!

So I felt 100% happy yesterday, and happy to stop checking up on him. But last night he spent 3 hours talking to her, 2 of which were after I went to bed and now I'm wavering... I don't know how to stop checking up on him, it's not good. I haven't checked today though. I will try to keep busy so I'm not tempted.

Madamez, I can understand how you got the impression that you did that dp is constantly questioned and suspected but I can assure you that this has never come up before, and I have literally only said to him "When you were chatting to that girl the other night you had a silly flirty smile on your face and it made me really worried, should I be?"

I want him to have friends but I don't think you can have a totally platonic relationship with someone you were crazy about in the past. Put it this way: he doesn't send little messages to his male friends when they aren't online saying "I just had a little sulk cos I missed you online, maybe we can talk tomorrow night?"

In fact, he always told me he didn't much like chatting online, he certainly doesn't talk to his male friends online for more than 20 minutes at a time, and he can go for weeks without talking to them.

I honestly am not a jealous person, I once had an open relationship with another boyfriend, but now the baby is here it's an absolutely different kettle of fish. We need 100% commitment and monogomy, because that's what I'm giving him.

Tamz77, I will think about telling him the whole story, but if I'd have told him at the time I never would have read the conversation above where he pretty told her he wasn't going to do anything to hurt me, so for now I'm staying quiet (the less I bring it up the stronger and less jealous I appear)

Regarding the supposed meet-up, I still don't know what to do. On one hand I'll feel inferior and defensive, but on the other hand I'm still smarting that he told her I might not go because I'm not very sociable. I feel a bit like going just to show him I'm not as predictable as he thinks. But it will be torture for me and he will have got his own way as usual.

Oh, and finally (sorry this is SO long) if we do go, I'll be tempted to check their chatlogs afterwards and that really could spell trouble.

Whatever you do - don't pay any attention to Xenia's advice below . Stick around and don't leave him alone

i think you need to be afraid more of her she seems to know the game she is playing your dp ws wrong in saying he feels trapped but i too am guilty of saying something along them lines to an ols flame as i liked the attention but would never do anything

she seems to be coaxing things from him and seems to have some game plan i know you dont feel so sexy at moment sice having new baby n=but try to do random fun things odf as night so he doesn't need to be on line dress yup do dinner and have cuddly evening

men do tend to feel slightly left out when new ababy comes along and maybe he's liking the attention although wouldn't betray you but i think she is playing a game and he is falling for it

if you make bit more effort to pay him some attention when he gets home he may feel no need to talk with her i know its hard with new baby but i was guilty of not making effrt for my man now we have cuddly evenings we have eveings where we'll dress nice for dinner instead of me being in pj's or something unflattering and it really has bought us closer together and my self assteem is much better too as i also turned into a bit of green eyed monster although didn't have reaso too you have reaso to be worrying but play her at her own game you give your man the compliments tell him you love him talk about when you first got together bring them lovely feeliungs back and hopefully she'll show her true colours and fade into back ground

any chance of someone watching baby for few hrs and you can go for a meal with him be confident with yourself dont express to much how you dislike your self my dp found it a turn off men are attracted to strong women so even if i feel s**t i give the pretence i'm so sexy and he loves it good luck

sorry about spelling mistake was trying to type quick as little one was playing up lol

I wouldn't tell him a thing, Fed Up. And I would cancel the meeting unless you feel genuinely up for it. I think meeting could really fuel this for both of them.
She is a predator, my dear. Sad to say there are some women out there who get their kicks 'winning' a man from another woman. And we hope she will back off but it might just present a challenge to her. So much for her committed relationship, hey? What a cow, I can't get over her.
But I'd be lying if I said she didn't present a threat to you - so do what you need to do to stay ahead of the situation.

and gradually by saying how sexy i am and buying few more outfits that hide bad bits and make my good bits look good i'm beginning to feel sexy again

but most of all we make time for each other even if its just stealing cuddles and kisses nothing more were getting close again

If you cancel the meeting you may risk him saying he will go without you, as he does not want to stand her up.

Obviously you are feeling vulnerable. Having a new baby is hard. BUT what planet is he on now emotionally? Not in happy father-land! He is out seeking online flings, that he wants to bring into your life, he said it himself, you would all meet, and he and her would talk, and you and her partner would just have to lump it? He is flirting with another woman in front of you? And after you have gone to bed? He is reassuring you and appear to be genuine and loving, without knowing you have checked up on him? Is he two faced? Is lying in his nature?

Oh what excitement, to meet the woman he had a crush on ages ago, and infront of his partner, who is the mother of a his baby?

Why does he need to be on this website?
Why does he need to check his own computer FROM work? What is he using his computer for that would not be deemed acceptable to do on a work computer?

Sorry, to be blunt, but the alarmbells are so loud I can barely hear myself think.

He has an infatuation. It might blow over. It might not.

Sorry I cannot help you other than saying that you probably have reason to be very suspicious. He is out of order.

Tempestuousaffair: He won't go without me, he asks my permission to do things, as if I could stop him. It will probably cause an argument if I say no but he won't see her behind my back.

He wasn't out looking for online flings, he just joined the site for a laugh, although he's certainly stumbled across someone who could be trouble.

bubblagirl and chocchip, thankyou for your advice. I do feel vulnerable because I never get the time to make much of myself now baby is here, and I don't feel like I can compete against other women because I'm very overweight (but I was when he met me) with lacklustre hair even after a haircut. I'm not ugly but pregnancy didn't exactly help my looks: I grew out my natural mousy hair cos I didn't want to use chemicals on it, the hormones made my face freckles darker and gave me a hairy stomach too, with a sprinkling of stretchmarks. Lovely.

I certainly can't compete against her, she's about size 8, tanned, with long curly hair, pretty. Looks a bit kylie in the 80's which is quintessentially his type. So no amount of dressing up, haircuts or lingerie buying will change the fact that she's more attractive than me, although I do want to go on a diet and start making more of an effort.

But our sex life is pretty good, there hasn't really been a gap in it despite the birth, although obviously getting the time to do stuff is difficult with a newborn. In fact 3 days after the birth I wanted him more than ever on every level, odd as it sounds. So it's not as if he doesn't want me.

I think whoever said he was enjoying the attention probably has it spot on. He's lonely here with just me for company. I'm doing my best to fill up our week but I can't make friends for him!

Sorry my posts are so long

Then say no! Let him sulk for a few days. It's a whole lot better than the alternative. Also maybe he's actually looking for you to be tough here and draw the line (a bit like a child!) for him. If my DH was chatting online to another woman there wouldn't be a computer left in one piece in the house.

There is NO good reason for him to meet her -that's the bottom line here for your relationship - especially if she is after him and is going to put on a show.

I bet you look a lot better than you think!

stop checking up on him. If he wants to cheat he will find a way and if thats what he wants to do, he is not worth having in the first place

If you think he needs company, then why don't you arrange some social events - invite people round, get a babysitter and go out with friends? Or do you do that already?

I do but we're stuck with my two friends who we have nothing in common with these days, we haven't had a babysitter yet as baby is only 5 weeks old and breastfed. I wouldn't mind my sister minding him for a couple of hours but the temptation to drive home and just sleep would be strong! lol

i think i would address the issue of him spending so long online. 3 hours a night after youve been at home with baby is out of order imo. why not suggest that the net is banned at home during the week in the evenings, and switch off telly when the baby is asleep and spend time together. chatting online can be very addictive, maybe cold turkey is needed.

OMG. I had no idea your baby was only five weeks old .
I think asking your sister is a good idea. This is why - it would show your partner that in time things will get a bit more easy and you will be able to go out. If he feels trapped this could be the light at the end of the tunnel he needs. Even for a couple of hours, Fed Up, would help.
I agree with the previous post about cutting out the internet and going cold turkey. Also that's why I think it's definitely best not for them to meet, it could just fuel this whole stupid fantasy.
I'm not surprised you don't feel sexy, that is normal my dear. Normal, normal, normal.

Just popping in to say I'm thinking of you and hope you can sort something out between you

Are you finacially dependent on him - I really hope you aren't.

What a wanker.

Remind him about your 'limited options' and then tell him to fucking grow up!

And as for checking on him -where is the rule that you cannot check on your partner if they are acting strangely? It is always best to know where you stand so you can then make informed choices.

I largely agree with Madamez, although it seems that really you do too.

It's such a shame you read that chatlog because it didn't tell you anything useful. What you read is pretty much standard, slightly flirtatious IM nonsense. Where it really mattered e.g. when it came to questions about whether he loved you, whether you trusted him, he gave the right answers and was loyal to you and your relationship.

You should be slightly worried about this new "friendship" he's struck because of how much time he's suddenly spending on it and how happy (in an out-of-proportion way) it seems to be making him. It's a pity your conversation with him couldn't have happened without you storing in your head things that you should never have read, and that hurt your feelings, but that really were largely meaningless.

Please stop spying on him, he has a right to his chats being private. I would be incandescent with rage if my DH ever took it upon himself to read my chatlogs. But if I were to suddenly start spending a lot of time chatting with some bloke I used to have a crush on and he called me on what was going on, I would be OK with that.

I think it would be valid to talk to him more about this, and what it means that he is striking up this relationship about this time, and why it is he wants to bring her into your lives. I even think it would be reasonably to ask him to cut off contact with her, as she is clearly not a friend just someone he recently met online.

Fedup - get him off the puter! He needs to be loyal to you. Be strong and put a stop to it now before he betrays you even further.

aah! just re whole thread, you must have been gutted, baby or no baby no-one likes to feel betrayed or let down. BIG HUG. think you handled it well, very well considering the fact i am very suspicious, ANd very opinionated, AND think its perfectly ok to check up on a partner!!!! If they are trustworthy you just get comforted, If not you get forewarned, and also can question the common sense of someone willing do sneak around but not clever enough to cover their tracks. I can quite honestly say that while I would NEVER email anyone in a manner my hubby could not read too, ( therefore I know I would never betray my partner, intentionally or otherwise)I would feel a bit upset that he would check but then feel pleased that he could then be reassured. I think you bloke is a bit of a prat, but then trusting no-one I do feel that men can be easily led. Have been the predatory woman a long time ago, and it never failed with a bit of perservance, and beleive me its not my looks or my feminine prowess, just false confidence and determination that gets men in silly situations. Oh, I am trying to say ALWAYS BEWARE THE OTHER WOMAN, deal with your bloke in the way your gut tells you, but work on your independence and inner strength even if its just a front to start with. Good luck with your new born, and gain strenghth from the fact your child is lucky enough to have two parents that love it, whatever happens. dont let you mans silliness spoil this early time with your child, it is tiring but beautiful.

I think it would give you a sign if you suggest that you cancel this meeting and he works hard to persuade you to go.

"It's just for old times sake, catching up, we've got so many friends in common, you'll like her, she wants to meet you, she'll be offended if we cancel blah blah".

Warning bells would deafen me at that point. Because the bottom line would be that he wants to see her...

I would really put my foot down about this tbh. Why does he need to be doing it? Where's it supposed to be going? Does he want her as a friend? Because IMHO men with partners and children (especially 5 wk old babies) have better things to do than online flirting with old flames. Does he want to hang out with her? Why? To endlessly reminisce about lost opportunities? What does he think's going to happen next? Drinks, meals, dancing as 'friends'? This woman sounds interested in your OH but of course you can't express your awareness of this without telling him you've been looking at his chatlogs. However I think it needs to be addressed before it goes any further, esp because it sounds like you're currently on really strong foundations, both really into each other etc. Don't let this other woman put the shakes on things because there are a lot of predatory females out there (whatever she looks like, for some reason she feels the need to be persistently getting in touch with a guy who is attached, and asking pointed questions about whether she's interfering in your relationship). I'm sure your OH is a nice guy but his focus is totally misplaced atm and he seriously needs to refocus!

As for meeting her I wouldn't simply because I wouldn't want to. He shouldn't ask you to either.

I don't usually post on the relationship section because it is so difficult to get a full picture of someone else's relationship but this one interested me.

I don't think you should have read the chatlogs because I do think that some people need a bit of privacy. However, I think that your dh should be a bit more sensitive to your feelings, especially since you've just had a baby.

I think that you need to reconnect as a couple. He needs to make you feel more cared for and you need to do the same for him. This is what I'd do. I'd arrange a night out for just the two of you. Book a table at a restaurant on a quiet evening eg a Monday/Tuesday. Buy something nice to wear including underwear because he'll appreciate the effort (he's a man, trust me) and you can buy online if you feel you can't go shopping yet. Take the baby with you for the evening as it's so small and will most likely go to sleep in the car seat then you won't be worrying about her and wanting to get back. When you get home have sex, not necessarily SI if you don 't feel ready yet but make an effort for him .

At a different time I'd also have a conversation with him about how uncomfortable you are with his online chats with this woman and tell him that you do not wish to meet up with her not do you want him to meet her. He should respect your wishes. Sometimes men don't realise how manipulative predatory females can be and think that they are controlling the relationship when it's actually the woman. FWIW, an ex bf contacted me after I'd got married to dh. Although I would have liked to have seen him and introduced him to my dh (because I'm so proud of him and happy with him), I didn't feel it was appropriate because I knew dh wouldn't feel comfortable even though I knew there was no interest, other than a straightforward friendship, on my part. I simply wouldn't want to do something that might make dh uncomfortable.

PS I think he should stop spending time online chatting with people, he should be talking to you.

He's an arse, who needs a kick up the arse. You know that for sure and you are better for knowing it.

As for not checking on partners who you justifiably suspect, who are acting strangely and spending hours 'chatting' on the internet when you have a 5 week old baby - for fear of "chasing them away"?! Barp!