House item (I bought)

[granadagirl]

Also posted on money matters, no replies!

So today I saw an item I’d previously bought secondhand. Unfortunately after couple days realised it wasn’t working as it should

Dp friend as one! And said it was great, so he was all for it. Not that my judgement was enough

Anyway, today I see Argos as said product on sale it should be £499 on offer £307
So I tell him, no response.
I go on product website and re read what it does, and think yes that what I want
I do online chat to see if price match, yes
So I order two.
One for lounge and one for MY ds bedroom

I tell him I’ve ordered 2, well he comes out with
HE- I like the way you consult me about what your buying
ME - I’m buying them
HE - I said last time it was a bag of shit and made the room cold
ME- yes that’s because it wasn’t working as it should.
HE - you have no right to just buy things without discussing it with me

I’m fuming, it’s me bloody paying for it
As I see it as, I want it
Ainu ?

He’s gone into silence mode, which I hate as it makes an atmosphere
I feel if I’m paying I should be able to do it?

He didn’t ask me could he buy a motorcycle
Or another car(2 now)

Without knowing what the item is (as in, a frivolous purchase or something useful), how you both organise your finances, how secure your income situation is at the moment etc it’s impossible to say.

You say that he didn’t ask you about buying a car/motorbike etc but if he sees that as essential for commuting or somehow necessary, while your purchase is just a bit of fun, I can see why he thought you spending £600 at this point in time was a bit silly.

But if you share finances, I would expect discussion on any big-ticket item whether essential or not. As in, do 'we' need a second car, etc.

He doesn't confer with you, clearly - so point that out and say, if you want a discussion on changing that (so no more motorcycles OR whatever it is you just bought without a discussion) then let's have one.

But if he thinks it only goes one way - no, it doesn't.

If you have separate finances, it's up to you.

If you share finances, you should share decision-making on larger purchases such as cars and for example, items over £100 (depending on your income I suppose, to some people £100 is a large sum, others not so much).

Sorry was annoyed at time of posting

Finances are separate,
apart from house bills And mortgage half
each

The item was a dyson humidifier
As I said I’m paying for them
He will benefit from it, but will also moan

He didn’t need a second car nor a motor bike. He just got them. He as an everyday car
And nobody is allowed to dare go near them

I should say he is 7 mth away from state pension, he also gets a good hmrc pension
So what savings he as, needs to help tip up his lifestyle till October

It seems I have to justify or argue the toss about anything I want to buy for the house
Regardless wether it be bought between us or I just pay myself

I agree, not only is it your money,and within reason, he shouldn't be dictating what you spend it on, but also it's hardly a luxury item is it?

It's for the house, presumably because you have damp or something. It'll be good for you all to have less damp. I agree they don't usually make a room cold, but they can be loud, and expensive to run.

Is he always this controlling and hypocritical?

Sorry, are you topping his income up until October?

Anyway, it's unfair/controlling that he thinks he can buy whatever he wants without consulting you, but expects you to justify your purchases.

What's the rest of the relationship like?

House isn’t damp
It’s too make the air less dry, MY sons room because he had allergies

The more things like this that happen I’m
beginning to think yes

No I’m not topping his work’s pension up
He’s using his savings till October when he gets government pension

Relationship is fine, apart from things like this!

There coming tomorrow, and you know what I’m dreading it in my own bloody house. Stupid
I just don’t want another blazing row

He’s stubborn, but so am I
I don’t see why I should apologise? Just to keep the peace

I’ve come upstairs to watch tv, as I can’t be in the same room with an atmosphere

I don't understand the relationship?

Is it your house? His house? Shared house?

Well relationship obviously isn't fine. Why are you allowing someone to control you, particularly when you have a son. What will he grow up thinking? Probably not a great atmosphere for him either. Your dp sounds like a nasty piece of work.

What do you mean you don’t understand the relationship?
It’s both our house, we’ve been together 20 yrs. we have a joint mortgage and are tenants in common

I don’t let him. I control me no way
I just hate atmosphere’s after an argument
Ds is out at work all day, and is either out or in his room on PlayStation. So hopefully no the wiser

He will wait all year for me to apologise, I’ve done nothing wrong
He may say “sorry” but I don’t for a minute believe it. It’s his way on getting back to no atmosphere and normality

I said last time it was a bag of shit and made the room cold

If his concern is it made the house cold then he is allowed to raise it, given it is a shared house. However I don't agree with how he raised it.

There is a difference between household items, rather than personal items, as it is a shared space. I wouldn't be keen on a partner buying pictures or furniture without input for me but they could buy a car as less impact on me personally.

OP, he sounds like a dick....and yea...he is controlling you because he's a dick who causes an unpleasant atmosphere when he has the hump...

But you know this...he'll be retired soon and you'll be stuck with his petulance around the house...

Have a good think!

I think if it's going into a shared house it needs to be a shared decision regardless of who's paying for it. It's a large item which changes the 'atmosphere' in a way which affects everyone. Shouldn't be a unilateral decision from anyone.

*I don’t see why I should apologise?^

Cos you've got no reason to.xx

Like you said, your son, your decision what you do for his health, and of course you want to do things that could help. xx

He has no right to do this.
Ignore him, tell him the decision is made and don’t involve in conversation with him. Walk away every time he brings it up. Do not justify or defend your decision.

I’m sorry to say but this type of behaviour/reaction gets worse with age.
Carry about your business as normal.
It sounds like you got a bargain - he should be grateful!!😀

That’s very expensive for a humidifier. I can understand the one for your son’s room especially during winter, but I don’t think you need them when the heating goes off.

Oh, I missed that your son was an adult. Does he actually want one?

You did discuss it with thim though and if it is for your son's health benefit and can afford it, I don't see the problem.

Who care if the item was a completely useless Ming Vase, if the op wants it, can afford it and it's not coming out of the family money then she should buy it! She doesn't need anyone's permission, she's an adult ffs.

I think if it's going into a shared house it needs to be a shared decision regardless of who's paying for it. It's a large item which changes the 'atmosphere' in a way which affects everyone. Shouldn't be a unilateral decision from anyone.

^^This.

Buy what you like for your son's room, but you're presumably wanting one for the living room too? My DH and I would have opinions on the other's purchases in that case.

We had a rule early on that anything we spent over 100 pounds we discussed.

My dh did discuss his motor bikes and cars but I wasn't bothered either way - his money.

But 600 pounds for something that made the house cold?????

I'd be quite upset.

Think you both need to sit down and have an honest 'calm' chat.

Remember - 'do you want to be right or do you want to be happy' ?

@granadagirl.... I'm another poster who doesnt quite get your relationship. The two of you seem quite disconnected: with regard to finances, in terms of how you run your lives, and emotionally.

He is nearing retirement. Are you much younger than him? You aren't married, so in a way it makes sense to keep finances separate. But, in any proper relationship, a couple would discuss any major purchases, whether it is a fun item or something functional - partically huge outlays such as cars or if it is something that impacts personal comfort in your everyday lives.

Now that retirement looms, I really think you need to engage in some long term financial planning. He has pensions, but are they sufficient, and are they fixed for his expected lifespan? Is it likely that you might have to subsidise him at some point? Are your own pension provisions sufficient? How does your son fit into all this - what does he contribute and do you expect him to live with you long-term?

Are there other issues that affect how you interact with each other? Do you agree on most things, share the same outlook on life, etc? How close are you as a couple? I may be wrong, but somehow I just get the impression that you are not as connected as one would hope true life partners to be.

Forgot: do you both have wills?

As I said, this morning he’s acting like nothing as been said! Chatting about crap
No apologies
I can’t just pretend, I can’t just sweep things under the carpet and move on
AIBU ?

Son would love one of these, he’s always saying it’s too hot in his room
But I didn’t buy it for that reason, I bought it for dust, to clean the air and put moisture back in the room.
By the way, heating is on from 7.30-10.45 everyday in our house.

He sits in shorts PM so isn’t actually cold as It’s set between 22/23’

And the bloody things are coming today, I just feel so angry that if I want anything for the house I have to pay myself
But he benefits ! Whatever it is, it will be ignored or we don’t need it.

How does your household work???