House item (I bought)

[granadagirl]

Also posted on money matters, no replies!

So today I saw an item I’d previously bought secondhand. Unfortunately after couple days realised it wasn’t working as it should

Dp friend as one! And said it was great, so he was all for it. Not that my judgement was enough

Anyway, today I see Argos as said product on sale it should be £499 on offer £307
So I tell him, no response.
I go on product website and re read what it does, and think yes that what I want
I do online chat to see if price match, yes
So I order two.
One for lounge and one for MY ds bedroom

I tell him I’ve ordered 2, well he comes out with
HE- I like the way you consult me about what your buying
ME - I’m buying them
HE - I said last time it was a bag of shit and made the room cold
ME- yes that’s because it wasn’t working as it should.
HE - you have no right to just buy things without discussing it with me

I’m fuming, it’s me bloody paying for it
As I see it as, I want it
Ainu ?

He’s gone into silence mode, which I hate as it makes an atmosphere
I feel if I’m paying I should be able to do it?

He didn’t ask me could he buy a motorcycle
Or another car(2 now)

Surely if YOU want something then it's right that you pay for it, and even more so if it's for your adult son? Why can't you turn the heating down a few degrees, open the window in your sons room? Your post is a little hard to understand - do you live as a couple? It certainly doesn't sound like your relationship is 'fine' to me

The dyson humidifier is not just a fan
The one for ds bedroom is for his Allergies
Not because the room does get hot, he also as his window open 85% of the time
It’s for the dust,and to moisten the air
we live on a quite busy road

The second hand one I bought last time didn’t work properly! I contacted Dyson and they told me when I explained what it was doing. So I got my money back. That’s why he said it was cold !

It’s not about being right, I just thought it would benefit us all, but again I was wrong
I certainly want to be happy, it just seems that whatever I want to do/go is either
It’s ok, what do you what to do/go there for
Even if say I want to move a plant in garden
I like it there, what you moving it for
The other night, washer was flashing so I switched it on
Straight away he came in and said
What you doing! I said it was flashing so I turned it on
Why don’t you leave things alone, I had it all under control
Ffs, I’m an adult

He is 65 I’m 62
Money is out in pot for bills/mortgage
if things are needed for house then it’s half each. Everything else is separate bank accounts to spend as you like
Neither of need to subsidise each other down the line, but would do so if needed.

Son most definitely pays his way, with the current climate especially even more so now
Son can not afford to buy and renting is just as much if not more than buying. So unless ds comes into money or as saved enough for deposit then he here
I can’t / won’t through him out, why would I just because he’s an adult

There are things we don’t agree on, it’s mainly around money
His fear is, he won’t have enough till Oct till his state pension. If he was that scared he’d
Get rid off one off his 2 cars or his motor bike.
It annoys me, when it comes to house things he’s got no money, yet he can
Insure,tax,mot,petrol and service all 3
But it’s his money, and I don’t mind
Just seems one rule for him
One for me

Wills
I Brought this up numerous times, because were tenants in common
My half would go to ds(next of kin)
Him his mum(if still alive) or 2 sisters
I’ve also let him now, in event off,
Other half off house gets passed on, regardless off whose left will have to move/buy out other half
No movement, or suggestions
I know red flag 🚩
I mentioned buying funeral, told him what I want
Asked him, don’t want to talk about it
I like to have things put in place, where as he deal with it at the time

All off this,? as brought things to a head for me. I just feel down/upset and like I’m on my own(tears in my eyes thinking about it)

I’m I unreasonable to think off the future?
Do men, ignore important things?

Wow. You are so full of resentment. And probably justifiably so, even though there are always two sides to every story. Would you say that, at this point, yours is more of a live-in relationship of convenience than a fully committed partnership of two people who love each other and want the same thing?

I think you need to sit down and calmly write about you, him, and your relationship. Forget for a moment all the details of the stuff that annoys you. Focus on the fundamentals that matter: the lack of a real connection, the absence of shared objectives, the refusal to engage in addressing issues that could have a seriously detrimental effect on your quality of life. Like his refusal to consider long term financial planning and make a will that protects your interests.

Have you read John Gottman's 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse? [viz. "They are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling. While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don’t use them nearly as often and do more to repair them when they are used."] I think you should. Personally, I think resentment is the 5th, and deadlier than the rest.

www.acouplesplace.com/Gottmans_Four_Horsemen_are_Divorce_Predictors.html

I do all the finances in our marriage but big item such as new Gtech I save and we discuss big purchases.

Flower
There’s are definitely 2 sides to every story
That’s exactly what I’m now Thinking
Convenient for him
I will look at that book. Thanks

He’s just said
You’ve bought 2 of them things one for upstairs one for downstairs
I just said, I’m not getting into it again and I left it at that.
It just seems so silly after anything he doesn’t agree on, He stonewalls me, till he’s ready to speak and I have to put up with it
Yet if I don’t speak, I’m childish
Its like he point scores
Things like, I’ll get you back for that. Or
Just wait till your cold, we’ll see

Help me

Your relationship sounds totally dysfunctional!!

The book I suggested will help you understand what may be going on, but from what you are saying he has more or less checked out? Why are still with him?

Tell us more about the history of your relationship and what is really going on, beyond the disagreements and the bickering, and all the resentment.

Sometimes outsiders find it easier to identify what is really going on when you cannot see the wood for all the bonsai...