Anyone else facing isolation in a unhappy/ended relationship?

[GirlOnIt]

Officially not in a relationship but still living together, two young children. We've actually been getting on fine, but he's just messaged to say from Monday he'll be working from home for four weeks.
I knew it was probably coming and we've discussed it slightly, but I can't deny I'm dreading it a bit.

Anyone else is a similar situation? And any tips to make it bearable?

Least I can send him out on the food/toilet roll hunt instead of braving it with two kids, so that's a positive.

Me!

Found out he’s having an affair denied it so I did some detective work got all the evidence together then confronted him a week later. He then decided he had been unhappy for around 6 months and didn’t know how to tell me idiot, but in that time he proposed to me, go figure!

We have two young dc. Found a perfect property to rent was meant to go for a viewing last Monday but the house the tenants were buying fell through due to this virus so they are staying put for now! Keeping an eye out but there is nothing about!

The worst part with being stuck here with him is that I know he’s still messaging her and seeing her at work. Due to the job they won’t be on lock down so at least I’m not stuck in the house with him. He’s told me if staffing levels get too low they will be going into lockdown for two weeks I’m hoping it happens when he’s there so I won’t have to see him!

That's probably the better idea @marly11.

Not seen much of him today, he's been out this morning and he's taken Ds out for a walk now. It feels weird as we're being oddly polite for a former couple. He's not doing anything bad/wrong but he annoys me, like everything's "if it's ok with you I'll watch tv, make a drink etc.

That must be so hard @Fizzystar1. My ex was messaging someone, I don't think he still is but I'm trying not to think about it to much.

Has everyone stopped doing washing/coming etc for them? I still cook evening meal but he washes up after.

I feel the same. My partner & I have been at each other’s throats on & off since the birth of our first child, something changed. We kept trying to make things better but it doesn’t work & we don’t seem to agree on anything anymore, I have a lot of resentment towards him & he blames me for everything that’s gone wrong! I’m now pregnant with our 2nd & he’s working from home & I just want him out. For the sake of my sanity. He’s refusing to leave, technically it’s his house, I am a sahm so I don’t have a leg to stand on.

Feeling so trapped!

@girl I stopped cooking for him ages ago, he generally sorts his own food. All very civil and house big enough to avoid each other most of the time. But like some others said - I was counting the days, it was supposed to be over soon - and now this limbo

@girl it’s really hard 3 weeks ago I thought everything was great, it’s like my whole world has fallen apart but I’m strong and will get through this I will not be treated like crap! Just wish I wasn’t in the limbo of not knowing how long this will last.

I have stopped doing his washing, he’s not noticed yet I suspect he will soon! Food wise I don’t really have an appetite at the moment so I make the kids their food before he even gets home from work so he makes his own!

Well OP, certainly better to be polite than a prick!

I can imagine how difficult it must be.

@Devoilmum......your post made me smile....get that list of jobs that need to be done drawn up and be all positive about it....how lovely the house will be......and how lovely it will be to spend quality time together.....totally fxxk with him🤨😂👍

@fizzystart - good on you! Watch out that he doesn't break your washing machine though

I'm going to move to sleeping in our spare room tonight, I've had enough of hanging off the edge of the bed... Our DS is now coughing and I have an odd tight chest feeling, which does not bode well.. So it could be a very uncomfortable 2 weeks....
But all the more reason to move to not sharing a bed, as he's going to do my head in if I can't have a break from him for 2 weeks.
Counselling monday will be interesting... Over the phone or Skype.. 😬
I can't let this whole thing derail me though, I' was looking at having to live together for a few months anyway, and counselling was going to be 6 weeks when I'd hoped to work through leaving and how we deal with making it OK for the kids, so it's not changing that much.

Same here. Abusive marriage. Him locked in the house makes him worse without the ability to burn off energy elsewhere and with other people. I am doing full childcare for four under 5. Maybe I am catastrophising but - WOW - if I am going to get ill, he is not going to look after me. I have to survive, I can’t leave the kids with him.

@billy1966 we’re actually getting on better than ever and I keep having to remind myself that he’s a cheat. He mentioned her earlier so had obviously been messaging her when he nipped out earlier- she’d told him what was going on at work.
I’m working from home I definitely now so there’ll be no sneaking off to see her, I think he’s probably been spending days there when I’ve been at work. My jobs list is very long but he’s been making good progress. It’ll be handy too, having him around, he can help with the homeschooling whilst I’m working.

Excellent to know and to be able to have time to get a plan together 👍👍

It’s not so bad here, no DC and we’re still pretty friendly, break up was instigated by me because we’ve been living like housemates for the best part of 4 years now. There have been several conversations in the last 2 years and he’s made several promises to change but never acted on them. Slightly awkward re. bedtime as we only have one bed hence my still being on the sofa at this time. Occasionally catch him looking at me like a puppy that’s been kicked, which is hard to ignore. I feel there may be a lot of long (solo) walks this fortnight! Hang in there, you’ll all be alright.

In an abusive relationship, only saving grace is he used to spend a lot of time out of the flat. Dreading the next three months, things have got worse already.

Oh so glad I found this! I posted a separate thread but it's my story. He declared didn't love me as he "should" (still since last time he did this) and started therapy (again) feb. He can't imagine leaving and can't imagine staying. I'm not being part of his charade. He's acting like a child that can't have a lollipop and is trying to figure a way to get it. Meanwhile it's our anniversary- Mother's Day- and the pandemic has ruined my company so I'm stuck. Kids think I'm in spare room with a cough... arghhh.

I’m struggling a bit today. Disappointed with the lack of effort for Mother’s Day, knowing how much effort goes into the other relationship. And trying hard to remember to bite my tongue and smile rather than rip into the cheating, lying scum bag.
It’s still not clear what the situation is with his job but at least if he gets laid off, it’ll give me more confidence that I’ll cope money wise on my own when i boot him out. And he’ll know it!

Yes. I am dreading it.
My poor kids are stuck with us too.

And I am forced to work with him trying to reorganise our lives whilst he buries his head in the sand and plays games on his phone.

I had just started to create a life for myself away from him. I am devastated.

So sorry to hear there are quite a few in this situation - and my heart really goes out to those in abusive relationships! Please make sure you have someone looking out for you in RL!
I am lucky that no violence involved - however, there were some incredibly serious financial issues (essentially I have discovered two years ago that my then DH run up massive debts, some of it in my name). I have been trying to hold it together financially for the past two years, keeping bailiffs away, paying off little by little while divorcing him. I was supposed to get my last year's bonus at the end of April, which would allow me to finally clear everything as well as get him out of the house. Now it looks like there may not be any bonus payment, so I am going to have to face some incredibly tough decisions. After two years of stress, I am really struggling to hold it together sometimes.

I've started to have symptoms as have my DC.. So that's it, in for 7 to 14 days...
Think I may go mad.
I slept alone last night, which was amazing, felt so good to get the bed to myself rather than hanging off the edge. I'm going to ask him to move to the spare room for now, partly because of my symptoms, partly because I just can't sleep with us in the same bed. I'm hoping this will be a conversation we can continue in counselling, maybe then in a few weeks we can broach separation. He's not anywhere near where I am in terms of realising that things are dead in the water, I've been realising this for months and have had individual counselling, he's buried his head and ignored, so it won't be easy.
Plus the thought of seeing him all day every day fills me with dread... It shouldn't really though.

How is this not every thread on relationships?

We had just drawn up a way of us both coping. With seperating and time apart and away. And we both had alot of distraction with work/activities outside home until we officially parted.
Now this.

This is finishing us off. We are now both at home together 24 hours a day. This is finishing us off as a couple. And it is affecting the friendship/goodwill we had worked hard at. He is not even verbally checking in on me, just obsessive working. I'm craving human contact and I'm stuck with the one person who withdraws emotionally in a crisis.

Hope everyone had managed a good Mother's Day regardless. I haven't been able to visit my mum as she's isolating anyway and my grandparents are vulnerable, FaceTimed them though. We actually went out for a walk to the woods as a family and it was ok, he's been very nice today.
I think he's probably going to use the situation to try get me to reconsider ending things, he mentioned something today and I think that's the reason for his super niceness right now.

Sorry to those new ones join his who are in the same situation.

@artisanmarsbar " I'm craving human contact and I'm stuck with the one person who withdraws emotionally in a crisis."

I could have written that statement too. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It's hell on earth, isn't it?

I feel so trapped. He's constantly criticising everything and everyone in a very passive aggressive manner and we all walk on eggshells around him. Then, out of nowhere, he'll decide to be happy and we are supposed to jump on the same feeling. If we don't do so, he gets stroppy and the whole heap of crap starts again.

He's been WFH for 10 days. I cannot imagine how I am going to suffer 3 months of this. My DC are older teens and I don't think they will cope with it either, particularly not if we go on to full-on lockdown. The only soul benefitting from this entire shit show is the dog. Usually she gets one good walk a day. Currently she's averaging around 3 since the DCs and I are so desperate to get away from the house! (I should add: we are walking through fields with nary a soul to be seen, so not being irresponsible!)

Me too 🙋‍♀️ I found our at the end of last year that he'd had an affair in the past; he's not even sorry & has failed to apologise, take ownership etc.

Told him last October/November I wanted to separate & he has delayed, stonewalled & failed to engage with moving things on.

Had mediation which was a waste of time & he is refusing to sell the house. I had somewhere lined up to rent, but couldn't move in because he refused to sell.

And now this .

He spends his evenings up in his room (thank fuck we have a spare room - told DC he snores). Little contribution to family life & has planned a major elective surgery for the week after next.

Can't tell DC as there's nothing concrete to tell them.

I'm an NHS worker so at least can escape to work.

I just want to live on & realistically am stuck for 3-6 months.

And I desperately need a shag too - just not from him!

I'll join the club. Marriage not ended yet, but realistically hanging by a few threads.

The problems include huge issues in the past over what the counsellor might call lack of openness.( I'd call it lying.)

We have had everything eg secrecy over texting and meeting up with an ex whilst on business trips.

Minor secrecy over nights out drinking, other stuff like not mentioning planning to stay over at his bosses club.

We just had a huge row. Last weekend (before we agreed to fully self isolate) we needed some stuff from M&S. I was working and rang him and said let's just order it's on line to avoid exposing him and the DC to lots of customers in the shop. He agreed wholeheartedly and said he would order on line. He Just admitted that immediately after that conversation he then went to the shop anyway.

I tried to explain that he needs to be trustworthy - so I know he has taken virus precautions seriously. When he says one thing & does another how can you trust anything?

How are we all doing? I was so fed up after the announcement yesterday, the thought of weeks and weeks without seeing friends and family, stuck here with DH, horrible.
We are now in separate bedrooms. Partly as I have symptoms but also because I just want space to myself and if we are going to be here both working from home then I will need a little space to myself.
Counselling is continuing but there's nothing new, it's clear he's just unable to express emotions properly. He's really trying but I just cannot get the feelings back. Not that they were they were there much to begin with, we have always been friends. Thing is it used to be enough but isn't anymore.
Guess the next few months will make or break us, I'm inclined to think the latter. Hopeful that with counselling and everything going on we can just stay friends and get through it.