He had a sexual encounter and I cant cope with it

[kbh4031]

10 years ago I found my hubby taking to an ex, the message I managed to read before I got so angry were ' She said 'didnt you enjoy what we had?' His reply ' yes but we cant' .
I confronted him and he said that they bumped into eachother and he got in her car, it ended up her giving him oral. I asked him on so many occasions if that was all that happened and he always insisted that was all so eventually i forgave him, the pain came back on occasion but not enough to break me
For the last 10 years he has been an angel to me, everyone always comments on how good he is to me and how he adores me, he kept waiting for me to set a date for our wedding (we have been engaged 17years ) so last week i said i would if he told me exactly what went on because there were holes in his story that didnt add up.
I gave him all day to think about it and when i asked him he told me all
He did meet her in carpark as he said but he also arranged to meet for sex the next day. He went to her house they got intimate with eachother in bed but when it got to the jiggy he couldnt go through with it and didnt have sex with her. But he continued to message her for 2 days until i found out. He swears he realised he didnt want her and cut off all connections when I found out.
Im so glad he found the courage and strength to tell me all of it and he said he never told me cause he knew i would leave him ( i probably would have) , but its killing me inside.
We have always had a close relationship, talk to eachother every day when hes at work, sex has always been great, we were very happy.
But this has just destroyed me, im usually strong and capable and now im just a blubbering mess. I cant concentrate, my appetite has faded, so many times i have considered leaving him or going to another man to feel good enough again (this i wouldnt do as i know how it hurts but i cant stop this thought) .
Hes been supporting me, hes accepted what hes done and looks broken most of the time, when im sad or angry he just holds me so he can help me through it we talk for a little while daily and have a cry.
Sitting here writing this, im not sure we will ever have what we had before and the easiest route would be to walk away. Im scared we will never have the same again, he was my world and i adored him as i thought he did me
Has anyone else been through this? anyone got through it?

I am so sorry for your pain.
You have had a second discovery date which is probably more gut wrenching than the first. So your fiance did all but have sex with ow? Difficult to comprehend and bear especially when you knew something did not add up.

Only you will know if you can move forward in your relationship. You will need to go through the pain again after this new discovery. Why did he wait ten years before telling you everything? He has simply delayed your pain.

It sounds as though he is doing and saying all thr right things. He has allowed you to go through the motions and accepted he caused you this pain.

Have you considered counselling?

My dh kissed a colleague two years ago and when he confessed I was a wreck for first 6 months. I swore (rarely swear), pushed and hit him, thought about filing for divorce. I lost weight and a zest for life. I stopped enjoying being around my children - just wanted to discuss it over and over. We went for counselling and identified issues from his childhood and his lack of boundaries as an adult due to wanting to be liked.

We are happy now, I do not feel the need to mention 'it'. I am not bound by what dh did. He knows he almost lost me.

when it got to the jiggy he couldnt go through with it and didnt have sex with her
And you believe this?
He is still lying.
That is the issue here.

Cheating a deal breaker for me but for thousands of others, it is not.
Many couples work through this kind of thing but only if the lying stops.
Have you read through 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass?
If not then get it and read it together!

The question is.... Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man?
Another... Do you fully trust him?
If they are both yes, then you can probably work through it.
If not, then it's not going to get better.
Have you had couples therapy or counselling?
Might be worth looking into that if you do want to salvage this.
If you don't then, rip off the plaster and end it.

Why do you call him your "hubby" when you're not married?

Anyway. I would LTB if I were you.

No wonder this is a difficult thing to come back from. There’s a lot going on... first his lie about the initial meet then he’s disclosed he’s had sex with her. Will you ever trust him again!?

I’ve been there with my ex. He cheated however what I would say is he wasn’t all at fault. I could feel him pulling away so I did too. I went out with friends more and wanted attention. So when I found out about what he did I was ready to leave.. as we had been falling out of love. Every situation is different.

Have a good think, go speak to a marriage counsellor if you need to xx

This sounds so difficult, and only you can know the right decision for you. I've not been through anything similar, but from what you've told us, it sounds like he really had realised his mistake (telling ex he couldn't do anything more), and has spent the last 10 years trying to prove his love for you. He has continued to want to try to save the relationship since telling you, too. People do make mistakes and I personally think one mistake does not indicate someone who would cheat again - sometimes you need to mess up to realise exactly how important something is to you. That said, if course what he did was a massive betrayal and to keep quiet about it, even if to save his relationship with you, was also incredibly hurtful. So, the question is whether you want to try to find a way save the relationship. If so, take your time. Keep talking to him and telling him how you feel and what you need from him. It's ok if that changes on a daily basis. Consider counselling and take one day at a time. If in a few months time you are no closer to accepting what happened or being able to move forward together, you can always end the relationship then. Good luck op, I hope all works out for you x

You have been engaged for 17 years ? Why ? Why have you not got married ?

So this incident happened 7 years plus into your relationship ?

He's lying. You will never know the full story because he's the kind of person who is capable of messaging behind your back, having sexual encounters behind your back and lying about it all. It's very difficult, my stbxh shagged his ex repeatedly all the while telling anyone who would listen how amazing I was. It's an act and a mask they put on.

OP -
Painful as it is - you did tell him to tell you everything and you knew what you are likely to hear.
He did his bit.
Hard as it is - it’s your turn. You promised him it’ll be Ok whatever he tells you, you’ll be there.
You have had 10years since the incident, and 17years all together.
Must be worth something.
If you just wanted to breakup - why put him and you through this.

That all said - it’s not easy and if you want to work through it - you’ll need counselling. Individual and joint, I am guessing

I think once caught they will always say it was only oral, when it was probably full sex.

Either way, you can't trust him, and rightly so. xx

I still don’t think he’s told you the whole truth. Nobody is in bed with a hard on about to stick it in and then stop. He did it. Why is he still lying? Can you contact the ex to find out the truth or you’ll waste another 10 years and then find out more. This story stinks worse than dog poop

so eventually i forgave him but you didn't, you kept asking him.

Why did you ask him after 10 years?

At the point they are in bed together with the intention to fuck, whether it went that few inches further is completely immaterial. There isn't a magic gate on fannies that turns something from right to wrong.

He cheated and he heavy duty lied. I could never carry on (have been there). You will never be able to go back to how you were. Whether you can live with a new relationship dynamic is up to you but he certainly doesn't deserve your effort to try.

Stop doing this to yourself. Given how long this has gone on it’s unlikely to get better. There’s no guarantee he’s telling the truth now, the ‘I couldn’t go through with it’ explanation is a cliche for a reason.

If you can’t leave it in the past and given his longstanding relationship with lies, It is difficult, then you need to decide if you want to waste more time picking at this scab.

Sounds like he was in over his head (maybe literally too?) And subconsciously wanted to get caught.
He needed you to find out because he didn't know how to walk away.
You know your fiance more than anyone, you just have to remind yourself of this when you make your next decision.

Im so glad he found the courage and strength to tell me all of it and he said he never told me cause he knew i would leave him ( i probably would have) , but its killing me inside.

Yeah it only took him 17 years! Also it wasn't his decision to make. He lied to you to stop you from making your own informed descion. Are you OK with that? I wouldn't be.

You are deluding yourself if you think they didn't have sex.

He had fuck all strength and courage, stop giving the lying prick credit he doesn't deserve.

This has destroyed you for 10 years, leave, get counselling and move on, I can't see another way.

Why I believe him:

"She said 'didnt you enjoy what we had?' His reply ' yes but we can't ."

HE DID NOT write that to you. He wrote that to her - turning away her advances, and he wrote it days before you saw it. HE CHOSE YOU. HE LOVES YOU.

You are one lucky, lucky girl. My ex brought them into our home, she admired pictures of our children, he f* her in our bed. For 18 months. He lied and blamed and treated me horribly.

So to be honest? You are lucky and you have no idea how lucky you are.

Have you heard the wisdom 'when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at, change'?

Focus on THIS, what you have in your hand (you lucky woman): "For the last 10 years he has been an angel to me, everyone always comments on how good he is to me and how he adores me, "

appreciate it, and GET MARRIED. You are so lucky, you just haven't got your head round that bit yet.

ScreamingLadySutch what a load of absolute bollocks.

Of course they had sex......

This is your relationship and you have to decide if your dp is being truthful and if you want to carry on.
If your dp has really been an angel for the past 10 years then can you get past his previous infidelity.
The ball's in your court. You asked questions and you, quite rightly, don't like the answers.
If you want to stay with this man then you don't have to forgive or forget what he did but you do have to leave it in the past.
Can you do that?

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion lived it, got the ripped to shreds t shirt.

My Exs texts went along the lines of 'I can't wait to see you, I would like to [ ]". For nearly 2 years. In my house and in our bed.

At no stage did he EVER say 'we can't' and at no stage did he EVER be an angel let alone for 10 years.

There is too much LTB and keenness on wrecking families on MN. Divorce is not the cure all that is presented here.

These things ARE on a sliding scale and there ARE extenuating circumstances. If a faithful kind man is 0 and my having to get divorced for my own mental health is 10, I would put OP on a 3.

I am not making light of OPs pain and betrayal. God knows it hurts. I AM saying - get help to get some perspective.

I'm sorry but once in bed and doing all the other bits, "not being able to go through with it" is highly, highly unlikely.

Personally I'd contact her... but that's me.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. It's just not fair

No you lived your situation ScreamingLadySutch

Don't tell a woman she should think herself lucky she has a lying cheating dick of a partner, just because your ex was worse.