He had a sexual encounter and I cant cope with it

[kbh4031]

10 years ago I found my hubby taking to an ex, the message I managed to read before I got so angry were ' She said 'didnt you enjoy what we had?' His reply ' yes but we cant' .
I confronted him and he said that they bumped into eachother and he got in her car, it ended up her giving him oral. I asked him on so many occasions if that was all that happened and he always insisted that was all so eventually i forgave him, the pain came back on occasion but not enough to break me
For the last 10 years he has been an angel to me, everyone always comments on how good he is to me and how he adores me, he kept waiting for me to set a date for our wedding (we have been engaged 17years ) so last week i said i would if he told me exactly what went on because there were holes in his story that didnt add up.
I gave him all day to think about it and when i asked him he told me all
He did meet her in carpark as he said but he also arranged to meet for sex the next day. He went to her house they got intimate with eachother in bed but when it got to the jiggy he couldnt go through with it and didnt have sex with her. But he continued to message her for 2 days until i found out. He swears he realised he didnt want her and cut off all connections when I found out.
Im so glad he found the courage and strength to tell me all of it and he said he never told me cause he knew i would leave him ( i probably would have) , but its killing me inside.
We have always had a close relationship, talk to eachother every day when hes at work, sex has always been great, we were very happy.
But this has just destroyed me, im usually strong and capable and now im just a blubbering mess. I cant concentrate, my appetite has faded, so many times i have considered leaving him or going to another man to feel good enough again (this i wouldnt do as i know how it hurts but i cant stop this thought) .
Hes been supporting me, hes accepted what hes done and looks broken most of the time, when im sad or angry he just holds me so he can help me through it we talk for a little while daily and have a cry.
Sitting here writing this, im not sure we will ever have what we had before and the easiest route would be to walk away. Im scared we will never have the same again, he was my world and i adored him as i thought he did me
Has anyone else been through this? anyone got through it?

"he said he never told me cause he knew i would leave him"
And yet the thought of you leaving him wasn't enough to stop him getting a blowjob and climbing into bed with another woman.

Cold choices time.

Who has the most assets in their name?

Who owns your house? Do either of you have pensions? Bank accounts? Other assets?

Are you a stay home mother?

ScreamingLady

A level 3 bastard is still a bastard.
Read the sticky re: levels and bastards.

Okay, so:
You saw sexual messages 7 years into your relationship. He admitted to oral.
You asked him for the next 10 years if that really was it, he insisted it really was it.
He then admits he went back to her house for sex (‘BUT WE DIDN’T QUITE HAVE SEX HONEST I WAS THINKING OF YOU THE WHOLE TIME!’)

Why on earth would you believe a single word that comes out of his mouth now?

Quite honestly if you still feel this way after 10 years and can't/won't let it go and you say it's making you ill then for God's sake leave.
It's not fair on either of you to keep picking over this time and time and time again.
i forgave my actual husband the first time he did this and completely forgot about it. Second time end of marriage. No way I'd have been mulling it over for that length of time. Life's too short.

@ScreamingLadySutch wtf? Are you religious because that’s the only reason I can see for such skewed logic.
Honestly op, will your mental health survive this?
I have ended a relationship recently for (possibly) much less. Lots of discoveries but all very hard to prove until I found him out in a very basic and pointless lie.
Once I discovered he could lie so blatantly to my face, that was it. We’d only been together two years but there were mild red flags very early on which kept getting bigger and bigger, he always had a good explanation and it often included ‘but I didn’t do x’ or ‘I stopped at y’ ‘or I was thinking of you so wouldn’t have acted on it’ or other such complete BULLCRAP.
it’s not the first time I’ve been in a relationship with an out and out liar, in fact you could say it’s a pattern of mine
Life is too bloody short to spend wondering if the person you love most is deceiving you and making a fool of you.
How can you ever relax or feel fully confident?
I’m fighting really hard at the moment to keep away from him. I’m very poorly and he keeps offering olive branches etc and knows exactly what I need but I’m resisting (hence using mn as a distraction!) I don’t want to ever go back to that vulnerable place again!

For the sake of argument "we can't" doesn't absolutely prove he didn't have sex back at her house; it could mean "we can't ... do that again/make it regular/ have an affair" etc.

But tbh the blow job thing is enough anyway. And it wasn't even very early days in relationships, but 7 years in (is that right).

Would he be ok with it if you'd met up with your ex and let him go down in you. Would he be ok with you meeting same ex, going back to his and doing everything short if intercourse? Would he believe you didn't actually have sex?

Seems unlikely.

And yeah the "I couldn't go through with it" is a cliche for a reason.

*on you

You are one lucky lucky girl what the actual fuck??? Don't be fucking pathetic, she's lucky because your ex was an even bigger prick? Honestly I despair

She said 'didnt you enjoy what we had?' His reply ' yes but we cant'.

But surely that confirms they had sex????

She isn’t talking about their previous relationship, as his reply doesn’t make sense for that.

She isn’t texting him that after a hook up where they didn’t have sex. Because why would you text that after a failed hook up? The tone and content doesn’t make sense following that scenario.

I’m really sorry OP but I read that as they had sex.

However I guess the plus side is that he didn’t want to do it again

It was only oral? Oh that's OK then.

No it's fucking not! He put his penis inside her, willingly. I find it entirely irrelevant whether or not they went on to have full sex.

I wouldn't waste any more time on this relationship, unless you enjoy torturing yourself.

Get some counselling, to understand why you've set the bar so low.

After 7 years he made a mockery of your relationship with his sleazy bj in her car. They likely did have full sex in her bed, and his “Yes but we can’t” referred to continuing their affair or meeting as frequently.

He is capable of great deception. He cheated and felt entitled to lie for 10 years, and is probably still lying. He and OW have had a secret while you’ve been in the dark about your own relationship. I would walk away, as the alternative is surely a life full of anxiety and uncertainty.