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Original poster

Stay or leave long term relationship

37 replies

CustardPot · 18/03/2020 06:57

I'm 27 been with my partner since 19, I am really beside myself not knowing to stay or go, we live together rented house there is no cheating or abuse I am just questioning if this is all there is / will be to my relationship.
We still get along but have not much in common. He will be on his guitar and or game and I sit in the livingroom watching my programmes, we come together to watch TV shows when get the chance. He is doing his driving lessons ( untill this cornoavirus too much) so we would be able to do more as mostly we just work and sit on the sofa occasionally go out shopping for the day.

Our interests are abit diffrent I am more into cooking then him so I do more of that, he helps around the house now and then could be better, I am a morning person and he a night owl and often takes a while to wake up on our days off together. He sometimes sleeps on the sofa and falls alseep watching YouTube and wish he would come be in bed with me.

Our sex life has been rubbish for past 3 so months I feel like he can't turn me on anymore? I still want sex with him just when it happens about twice a month it's normally not very good. I really am not sure what to do, I love him and it hurts my heart to know I wouldn't see him again but then another part of me thinks you only get one life and I could be with someone more in common/ same sleep schedule as me.

I don't want to leave and make a huge mistake I completely trust him and love him cuddling/kissing still have feeling for him. And know there are alot of men put there that cheat/can't trust . But I don't want to think I have settled because I am comfortable? Or am I over thinking it all?? 😓😕 X
I know there is no right or wrong answer it can only come from what I decide and I really don't know how or what to think all I know is it would hurt me to leave him when still love him.

OP posts:
scottishlass123 · 18/03/2020 07:51

Have you tried to talk and sort out the issues that bother you in your relationship? All relationships need a bit of work, if you fundamentally love him then try to make changes to improve the relationship before you jump ship. Talk, do some research to spice up your sex life, plan to do a common interest and ask him to go to bed with you one or two nights a week. Your problems are not major you just sound a bit bored! Do as much as you can with your time now as a couple as if you are planning to have a few kids in the future you will no longer have the luxury of spending quality time as a couple together and you also want a solid foundation for your relationship if you want kids. A healthy relationship needs commincation and tlc as it evolves over the years. Good luck op! Xx

allthiswasunseen · 18/03/2020 07:54

Personally, I think it sounds like a relationship that has run its course.
Its hard to know what would bond you together for the next 60 years of your lives.

willowmelangell · 18/03/2020 08:12

Perhaps he feels the same.

Can you voice your feelings? "I've been thinking about our relationship. I realise I think of you more as a friend than a lover. I don't think we spend enough time as a couple together. What do you think?"
Give him a chance to make an effort. Perhaps he has gotten lazy and comfortable.

Or he will admit he feels the same. Wants more excitement, just not with you. You can agree to go your separate ways.
Don't build it up in your head. Just say it.

ravenmum · 18/03/2020 08:13

And know there are alot of men put there that cheat/can't trust . But I don't want to think I have settled because I am comfortable?
One point - just because you think you can trust him, doesn't mean you can trust him. And just because he hasn't cheated doesn't mean he won't cheat. People who cheat and people who don't are not different species; many cheated-on partners find it totally out of character. Not that I think he will cheat ... just that this "settling with someone trustworthy" thing is all in your head and means absolutely nothing. He might also come up tomorrow - or next year - make exactly the points you have here and say he's off.

In other words, he's not the safe option. But you see him as that - why? Why do you assume that you are the one who has to choose whether to stay or go? Do you perhaps see him as pretty dull, a man of few ideas, not someone that other women might be interested in?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2020 08:16

It sounds like its run its course after 8 years and you seem more like flatmates on good terms. Don't settle for mediocrity. Its ok to want more from life and a relationship; after all you've been with him since you were 19 and thus had no real life experience behind you. People change and it sounds too like you have outgrown him in terms of maturity.

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 08:21

We have spoken before about us trying harder we nearly split up in November and said I wasnt happy, he was always on his game and felt like we wasn't connecting doing anything together. It's so horrible I jsut don't know what to do and know it would break both our hearts if I left. I feel he is happy the way it is, he seems always on his phone or other device and I don't know I quess nothing really bonds us as coin interests.
I have tried to spice up the sex life with toys and clothing he just never seems that interested in it and when we do have sex I can't seem to get turned on by him :( it's so hard when I know I love him and want it to work and I don't know the answer :( xx
And I don't see him as a safe option he's clever and funny it's just he is also quite lazy in other areas.

OP posts:
Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 08:22

But don't all relationships get comfortable? I don't know what it's suppose or not meant to be like? X

OP posts:
wehaveafloater · 18/03/2020 08:29

This isn't comfortable - this is over. Put your self first and move on.

ravenmum · 18/03/2020 08:29

You have tried to spice things up, you have been trying to improve things. What about him? Is he interested in improving things?

Things do get more comfortable over the years, yes. But you don't sound comfortable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2020 08:33

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Your relationship sounds more dead in the water really than comfortable. Are you with each other now really and truly out of habit?.

You cannot make a relationship work on your own; he has to want to put the effort in long term too and he is really not bothered to do that. He seems quite happy as he is so is not willing to make any more effort. He probably wants you to be the one to end it as well so he can then go to others sighing, "oh she left me". He seems like a millstone really around your neck and he was never yours either to rescue and or save nor a project.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?

ravenmum · 18/03/2020 08:37

He sounds like your teenage son tbh... It really is no fun spending your life waiting for someone to wake up, waiting for them to stop playing so you can watch TV together, waiting for them to put their phone down.

If you were single right now, what would you be looking for in a partner?

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 08:52

He says he wants try improve things and he has been with cooking for me more and has started his driving lessons.
but then it just feels like we are roomates like when I go to sleep and instead of coming up to bed with me he stays on the sofa and ends up falling asleep on it and he isn't that botherd by it. If I was single now i would want someone similar interests to me and who wants to travel together.
My parents had quite a rough relationship was always arguing and she left him in the end.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2020 09:18

If he dumped you tomorrow, how would you feel?

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 09:22

I'd feel heartbroken and wouldn't want him to go but maybe that were not well suited so I would understand. I don't know it's like how do people make such a massive decision I don't want to leave but don't want to feel like I settled how can anyone know the answer when even I don't ? Once it's done it' would be done

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2020 09:27

If you stay, it's also a big decision. Do you want children at any point?
If he made the decision, would it be a relief?

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 09:35

I don't think it would be a relief I would just be incredibly sad and broken.

Im not sure about children maybe when I'm few years older. He is not to fussed on children at moment.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2020 09:42

What were you hoping your life would look like, ideally? That you would buy a house together, live together the next 60 years?

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 09:54

Not sure what you mean? I jsut went along with moving in together and enjoyed being with him and now it's got to this stage were I kind of think is this it? And worry if i am settling, I don't know I think it's maybe as I have nothing compare it to and not many friends so I wouldn't know what a relationship is supposed be like 8 years in?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 18/03/2020 09:59

I just meant how did you imagine your life panning out, roughly? When you moved in together, did you vaguely imagine that as the start of a long and happy life with him? How about now; what do you ideally want to do with your life, if you live to old age? Good career? Living in the countryside with 10 dogs? :)

Not surprising that you don't know people your age who have been in a relationship that long.

AndSheSteppedOnTheBall · 18/03/2020 10:13

I’ve been in this situation, and it is sad.

My ex and I met at university and were together for 7 years. We grew up together really and it turned out we wanted very different things - he wanted kids and I didn’t mainly.

We ended up being exactly like you - roommates, going to bed at different times, never having sex. An unhealthy mother-son type dynamic developed which wasn’t doing either of us any good.

But it was comfortable, and we were great friends, and the idea of not being together just didn’t seem real. Until I met someone else - I wasn’t looking, it just happened, and then I realised we really did need to break up. My ex was about to start a post-grad course in another county so he was going to move out in term time anyway. I plucked up the courage to have the conversation and we agreed to try splitting up. It was very difficult - despite the new man and us both knowing we needed to do it, we loved each other and it was a massive wrench and very sad.

However, after a few months of heartache, we both moved on. He started dating at university and I got into a relationship with the new man. We’re both married to other people who want the same things we do (he’s got two kids), and luckily we’ve stayed very good friends.

It can be done - it’s not easy when you have a strong bond, but that doesn’t mean a romantic relationship can’t turn into a healthy friendship.

Do you ever think about other men? I did. I didn’t actively look, but I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t have done if things had gone on like that for years more.

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 10:24

I have met a man at work and I know he likes me we have stuff in common and have a laugh but would never do anything about it.

And I know it's so hard and horrible feeling of not knowing the right answer :(

And yes I quess I just thought we would be happy and have few dogs and be doing things together.

OP posts:
AndSheSteppedOnTheBall · 18/03/2020 10:29

You don’t have to do anything about the other man to know that your relationship isn’t working. The other man is a symptom.

It’s bloody hard - it took external circumstances to force my ex and me to break up, but we needed to do it. If we’d gone on like we were we’d have ended up hating each other, but luckily we have a very good friendship.

ravenmum · 18/03/2020 10:41

I stayed with my first bf for 20 years - had kids after 5. But I do think now that I drifted into it, rather than sitting down and seriously thinking about what I wanted in a partner and whether he gave me that - and vice versa. It's good that you're thinking about it. Now, having divorced and been with other men, I wish I'd done that earlier, for comparison! I see now that while we got on fine, I could have been with someone a lot more on my wavelength. That is the big drawback of getting on well with your first bf.

Original poster
CustardPot · 18/03/2020 11:00

Thank you everyone your input X I know when love them it's hard :( no one has an answer but myself and just don't want leave someone I love so much but don't want to look back and think did I settle.. x

OP posts:
AndSheSteppedOnTheBall · 18/03/2020 11:24

Maybe you could discuss a trial separation? This is actually how I broached the subject with my ex, though deep down I knew it probably would be a permanent separation.

We agreed that we could try dating other people while he was at university as we knew our relationship was stagnant but that we still loved each other.

Plucking up the courage to even broach the subject was very difficult though - I was desperate not to hurt him and scared of being hurt myself.

In the end we both inevitably ended up being hurt, but it could have been a lot worse. After about a year of coming to terms with it all, meeting other people and so on, we got to the other side of it all.