Complex marriage problem

[Seaside1234]

I’ve been married for 13 years, with him for 19 years, 2 kids. DH has complex, chronic depression which was finally diagnosed about 7 years ago when youngest was a baby. Very bad episode about 2.5 years ago when he had an affair and nearly left - when I found out, we both decided to stay and work on it. Pretty successful marriage counselling, but since then he has gradually withdrawn from any meaningful conversation. I’ve struggled with anxiety in the last couple of years, and was diagnosed with high-functioning autism a year ago. We are now so non-communicative on anything important that I had to really push him into a conversation so I could talk to him about the diagnosis. He was extremely unsupportive during my last significant episode of anxiety. He’s self-employed and has not been meeting his share of financial commitments for over a year, without asking me if that’s ok or if I can handle it (which I barely can). When I finally snapped and told him via text that I couldn’t keep paying his share and couldn’t cope with the withdraw/bounce back cycle any more, he told me he’s in significant financial trouble. He then completely refused to talk about it on my terms and told me it wasn’t that big a deal. Told me to stop bothering him and has stonewalled since then. So still no conversation about money, or anything. He spends much of the day in bed, doesn’t seem to be busting a gut trying to earn money that I can see. He has been rendered essentially out of work by the Coronavirus shutdown.

The problem I am having is that I’m genuinely incapable of starting any conversation in person. I just can’t do it. I think it’s the fear of rejection (even though I would love to not care what he thinks of me) plus an overwhelming, possibly autistic-related dislike of confrontation. So I am minimising being around him and pretending everything’s fine. I’m so stuck. I’m trying to understand that things have been hard for him, but he seems to have no understanding that they might have been hard for me too. At the very least we need to talk about money. How can I get up the courage to tackle this? Is he being as unreasonable as I think?

Thanks MN hive mind x

@Zaphodsotherhead, that is actually one of my fears, that he would tell me I was being over dramatic and that he was going nowhere. I can see it possibly happening. In that case, I guess I’d try and get his family to make him see sense, but they may not be much use, or ask Women’s Aid about legal stance. I don’t get the impression that he’s desperate to stay with me either, just that he can’t afford not to, but faced with reality I don’t know how he’d take it.

@FlowerArranger oh god, I don’t have anywhere near that money (he owes me thousands of pounds). And I don’t know if I could genuinely dig up 5 examples of unreasonable behaviour, it’s all so low level and sounds so non-specific. I would rather separate and divorce after a year without blame (we’re in Scotland), but that requires me to discuss that with him. The whole thing seems so surreal, I can’t believe I’m actually considering leaving him.

OP, he sounds like a right piece of work who has used and abused you for years.

Read @Ozziewozzie a couple of times.

Don't waste any further energy on this waste of space. Think of your 11 year old.

Get your divorce going.
Get your financials organised.

Inform him it's over.

I agree with others that i bet your issues would dissolve quickly if you didn't have this unfaithful, lazy, waster, dragging you down.

@Seaside1234
Consider it an investment in your future. Most solicitor don't expect the entire fee to be paid upfront. It'll come out of your settlement.

If you do your homework diligently you can keep the cost at a manageable level. Start with Wikivorce and Divorce for Dummies. Stay focused and keep notes. Make sure you have all the financial documentation. The books will have copies of the forms that need to be filled in. Do all that and you may be able to get it done for less than £2000.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/blog/how-much-does-a-divorce-cost

The simpler your financial circumstances, the cheaper it will be. The more unreasonable the parties are, and the more they fight, the more expensive it will be.

What a horrible atmosphere for your son to live in. Two parents who don’t talk or even like each other. It’s very damaging for him

Your marriage isn’t making anyone happy, and it sounds like you’ve both been hoping the other one will make the first move and ask for a divorce.
Think of your poor child and stop sitting on the fence.
You all sound desperately miserable

Here OP

1. Affair

2. Debts of an unknown amount

3. unwilling or unable to contribute financially to the household

4. does not equally contribute practically or otherwise to marriage and family life.

5. will not talk about or discuss any of the above issues.

@Lillygolightly I can’t believe that I’m actually trying to come up with reasons why those aren’t unreasonable. I guess I’m hearing what he’s going to say if I listed them. It’s horrible to realise that he will try and tell me all the reasons I’m wrong, rather than apologise and have an adult conversation

he will try and tell me all the reasons I’m wrong, rather than apologise and have an adult conversation
he will say whatever he thinks will get you to comply with what suits him.
Adult conversation??
dear god NO!
He cant risk anything like that, he'd be exposed for the shite that he is

Doesn't matter what he says about the reasons - the divorce centre would accept them.

Tell him you will buy him out if he goes easily. I bet he will be desperate for the money. See a solicitor first though to assess what would be a fair split.

Tell him you will buy him out if he goes easily
if you tell him what you are going to do he will try and 'game' the situation, I dont think he will comply with anything, he's way too bloody minded and determined to be in control.
You just need to out maneuver him, keep him in the dark as much as possible, let him feel as if he is the boss/in control of things but covertly position him where you want him to be.
He is your adversary now and you need to start regarding him as such.

It's irrelevant if he says he's going nowhere. If you file for divorce then at some point he'll need to go. He's saying it to be difficult. As you've already identified that buying him out would solve his financial issues - there's an incentive for him anyway.

Right - school closures have put this on a bit of a hold because I'm a frontline NHS worker and don't have the option of working from home. So I need him around for childcare just now. He's also physically unwell just now (having unpleasant side-effects of new diabetes medication). So I am going to talk to a friend who's been through this process about what she had to do on a practical level; speak to her solicitor about the practicalities; gather evidence of unreasonable behaviour (screenshot messages proving the affair, messages where he's told me he's in financial trouble but then refused to discuss it, etc). Then sit tight, focus on work and the children, and see how this CV scenario plays out. Something may happen to bring this to crisis point in the meantime anyway. At least I'll be saving money with social distancing! Thank you all so much for your honest opinions - it's very hard to tell if what is going on is ok or not when I'm so unsure of my own judgement. xxx

@Seaside1234
You dont need evidence of the unreasonable behaviour.
Just you saying the 5 things are unacceptable are enough. It doesnt matter if another person would put up with these things, its about how it makes you feel.

My ex husband tried to tell me all the reasons why my 4 points were wrong (the fifth was emotional affairs which he couldn't excuse) so I just kept repeating that if I could have divorced him on 1 thing only it would be the emotional affairs but as I couldn't I cane up with 4 others things which annoyed me.
He did get the message after the hundredth time of repeating this.

I spoke to a divorce lawyer today. I pointed out to DH via text a few days ago that we are completely back to being housemates and co-parents, that this felt rubbish and I was lonely, and could we talk about it, and he completely stonewalled me and started drinking heavily. It's just impossible to see where this could go. I feel somewhere between cold with sadness/guilt/horror, and flooded with relief at the prospect of some movement forwards. Secretly, deep down, I think I do want to split up, I just don't want to face all the mess that'll come first.

I have been in the stuck position as well. You know you need to go but it's hard.

Talk to your dad and your lawyer. Ask your friends for support. Talk to your GP and see if you can get counseling what you are dealing with is not reasonable behaviour and it will be taking a toll on your mental health and your kids.

Be prepared for him to refuse to leave the house and for him to be very angry if you try to go. Don't waste time or energy waiting for him to treat you as an equal or to agree to split reasonably.

Have a plan for if the aggression starts to ramp up and keep safe.

The lawyer was v clear that I shouldn't leave the house, and frankly I'm leaving over my dead body, but I guess I would if I had to. I'm just sort of assuming that he'll be dying to move back to the city as soon as lockdown allows, but realistically he can't afford it. Thank you, I appreciate the support @5LeafPenguin. Did you get un-stuck? I hope so x