Is this abusive

[changemynamechangemynamewhen]

I've been seeing a guy on and off for a few months. If he acts in a way I feel is bad and call him out he will do two things

1. he will give me the silent treatment until he deems he has 'calmed down' enough to speak to me and
2. he will try and massively guilt me. For instance a discussion about why he just decided to ignore me for days on an Will cumulate in him dropping some bombshell about his past somehow that is 'really traumatic' and then he blames me for 'upsetting him all over again' This cannot be normal right?

It's not normal. You are in the early days of a relationship and he is already trying to control you. Leave him.

That is abuse. And it will get worse.

The red flags are full mast! Neither the silent treatment nor the guilt-tripping are indicative of a healthy relationship, time to get out before it gets worse.

You have been seeing him for only a few months and you are frequently calling him out for behaviour you don't like. This is not a relationship for keeping.

Get out of this relationship ASAP x

How awful.

Do not humour this man and his petty little moods for one moment longer. urgh! I am angry on your behalf. "Deemed calm enough to speak again". What a fucking idiot.

In the bin. Lid on firm. Walk away from this twat.

What all pp's have said... He's conditioning you to accept his bad behaviour/stop you calling him out when he's unreasonable/manipulating you by using past incidents (even if they're true) to guilt you into being 'nice' and allowing him to get away with stone-walling you. And you've only been seeing him a few months - it will NOT get better, it USUALLY gets much much worse...

Why don't you try talking to him?

I need to calm down in an argument so I would go quiet so I don't see this as an issue but if every argument leads to a traumatic event then that's possibly a read flag.

All people have had traumatic events during their lives, most people just don't piss and moan about them.

Why does he feel special.

Why have you not dumped him long ago?

Sounds like you're seeing my ex. He started like that and ended up kicking the shit out of me. Run while you still can.

Sounds exhausting. Everything is about him. Was in a 4 year abusive situation and was given the silent treatment by my mum for every transgression to control my behaviour. You are well rid.

If he wants a proper relationship and to know why people keep leaving him he’ll get some therapy. But until that day (that won’t ever come, because everyone else is to blame/the problem) leave well alone.

Yep everything is always about him. Nobody understands.
I will ditch him. I can only see it getting worse

A few months in and he is being an arse? I'd dump him.

Yes and he's ditched me a few times already. I'm not being a mug anymore he seems to love the drama. I've messaged him now saying it's not working out and wish him well. I welcome the passive aggressive response

Op I'm glad you've messaged him to say it's not working. He'll no doubt try to guilt trip you into meeting him again to talk etc. Stick to your guns. I was with someone like this when I was much younger and it did not turn out well. He is 100% abusive

I think the first mistake I made was backing down when the first guilt trip i.e his explanation why I shouldn't question him as it upsets him occurred as it sent a precedence

That is 100% abuse. It will only get worse

Good on you ditching him. Hope you have blocked him everywhere as you know he'll keep on manipulating you.

When dating take the approach of one and done.
The first time they do something shitty. End it.
Doesn't matter if they had a bad child hood, crap job, ex problems, adhd
One and done

It's manipulative and abusive. Dump.

Dump him and keep him out. Sometimes they try to crawl back, don't be fooled.

He's blocked everywhere. Sadly I have a public work number and email so wouldn't be at all surprised if he tries that. I feel terrible for being such an idiot

Don't feel like an idiot, you spotted this fairly early and acting sensibly. But please, please don't fall for any games he starts to play now you've blocked him. If he sends flowers to your work (I had that after) etc then have the courage of your convictions and do not engage. Well done

My DH gives me the silent treatment every time we argue or he hears something he doesn’t like. Sometimes for up to a week. He’ll be super nice to the kids whilst ignoring me. It’s awful. Don’t stand for this. It’s a shit way to live. It’s controlling. My DH can’t control his emotions and can’t cope with hearing anything negative about himself or not getting his own way. He has to be right. If he’s not then silent treatment punishment until I give in and beg for him to talk to me. If we didn’t have kids I’d be off. It’s mental torture and means I tread carefully around upsetting him for fear of that outcome. Don’t be me. Don’t put up with this. It will destroy you

Well done OP, for getting rid of this nasty piece of work.

If he contacts you via work numbers/email...request that he ceases contact or you will contact the police. And do it.

Well done👏👏

@probablysue.....what an awful existence for you...so sorry