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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confusing behaviour

33 replies

Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:20

I have been dating a guy for a short time (3 months) and he has just surprised me by whisking me away on a 5 star mini break. I was nervous about going as he has been single for a long time and as an older man, likes his space and I worried that me in his face for 4 days day and nights on hol might cause him to panic and want to be single again. He was a 'love bomber' via message the first few weeks of us dating, this cooled in between dates and I started to wonder if he had second thoughts, he then became very keen again after we met up. He cooled again and then pulled this really lovely holiday out the bag. Holiday was amazing and he shared some very personal details with me about his life but since returning has been cooler again. I invited him over tonight and he said he wasn't feeling great and would let me know but didn't until I prompted him. How do I play this? Appreciate it is early days but like him a lot! Should I back right off and leave him to approach me to arrange the next date (or not?). Is it acceptable to ask how he feels about us following the holiday and if anything has changed?

OP posts:
WhereDidAllTheFunGo · 17/03/2020 19:26

You should be able to ask where you stand after 3 months and expect a clear and honest answer. Its your relationship too, not just his to own and control and he should be being a bit clearer by this point.

However, if hes older, his comms may not be up to modern (texting constantly) standards. Maybe you need to make clear what you need from him communication wise to be happy.

Yallreadyforthis · 17/03/2020 19:29

How old...?

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:30

Not old, but older than me. He is late 40s

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I0NA · 17/03/2020 19:31

How old are you both? Do you have kids ?

What kind of relationship are you looking for ?

3 months is a short time , you don’t know him very well and he sounds a bit hot and cold - do you think you are getting too involved too soon ?

rvby · 17/03/2020 19:33

?? Please don't pursue someone who confuses you. Do you often sabotage yourself?

Obviously you should leave it alone and move on. Don't be a fool now. He sounds dreadful and a massive headfuck.

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:34

I'm early 40s, he is late 40s, we both have children and both divorced. I was happy to take it slowly but the push has been from him... the holiday was a complete surprise, I didn't know about it until arrived at airport

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Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:36

Rvby, I don't think I sabotage myself... just new to the scene and unsure what now constitutes normal dating behaviour

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StSaulOfSnacks · 17/03/2020 19:37

Can't imagine where you just managed to fly to for a minibreak. The flight must have been empty.

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:38

This was before corona went mad (last week).

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EverydayLife · 17/03/2020 19:42

If he’s not feeling well and you’ve just returned from abroad I would leave him be Confused.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 17/03/2020 19:43

Is there any chance you were the fallback girl? I would have pulled out of a holiday even last week due to current circumstances. If he intended taking someone else it would explain the hot and cold. I would bin this one, there are better things to stress about

rvby · 17/03/2020 19:44

It doesn't really matter what "normal" dating looks like. No one is normal. Everyone has special needs and things they prefer.

NEVER pursue someone who makes you feel confused. Assume they are not for you and move on.

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:44

Don't think I'm fallback girl, he has been talking about taking me to this particular place for a few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:45

Thanks rvby. Agree

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Eckhart · 17/03/2020 19:45

I would say that if he was the right person for you, you wouldn't be posting on MN after 3 months, feeling confused by him.

Not what you want to hear; I'm sorry.

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 19:46

No it's fine, thank you

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Eckhart · 17/03/2020 19:55

Normal dating behaviour is unhealthy. Lots of people with fuzzy boundaries going around accidentally stepping on the toes of other people with fuzzy boundaries, and then everybody blaming everyone else because they weren't brave enough to say 'You're crossing my boundaries' in the first place.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to be normal. Be one of the unusual ones who's brave enough to respect their own feelings and say 'hang on, mate, I don't like that.' Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, recognise you're in a relationship where you can't be yourself, and leave.

FlowerArranger · 17/03/2020 19:58

So, after you prompted him about tonight, what was his answer? I assume he isn't coming and did not suggest another date? If so, you have your answer. Either he is not that into you, or he is an unreliable tosser. End result for you is the same, unfortunately.

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 20:00

Prompted and he is in bed apparently feeling awful. Only saw him last sunday so not too concerned about the not suggesting another date but I'm not going to initiate that conversation.

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yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 17/03/2020 20:07

Ask him to video chat. Bet he refuses. Maybe it's just me but he is acting like an emotional abuser and lying about what he's up to. Even if you decide not to do that nobody needs to put up with someone blowing hot and cold

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2020 20:14

I’m not sure I’d be classifying him as an older man, there seems to be not much in it really age wise.

Seems he wants to see you when he fancies it. I’d be wary and take it easy.

Lynda07 · 17/03/2020 20:22

If he's not well he won't be wanting to see you until he's better. It's not wise to go out and mix with people anyway at the moment, you should know that.

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 20:27

Thanks for the health advice Lynda.

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powkin · 17/03/2020 20:34

I’d say it’s making you wary enough to post so maybe just ask to chat in a few days when he’s feeling better and explain that you’ve noticed he seems quite hot and cold (give examples)? Then see if you feel his response is “good enough” (whatever that looks like to you) to make you want to continue seeing him and set out what YOU need to feel secure, then see if he follows through. If he says he’ll do better/do x y z and then just goes back to same old same old then time to move on?

Original poster
Mumoftwo2020 · 17/03/2020 20:44

Thanks powkin, think this is what I'll do.

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