Confusing behaviour

[Mumoftwo2020]

I have been dating a guy for a short time (3 months) and he has just surprised me by whisking me away on a 5 star mini break. I was nervous about going as he has been single for a long time and as an older man, likes his space and I worried that me in his face for 4 days day and nights on hol might cause him to panic and want to be single again. He was a 'love bomber' via message the first few weeks of us dating, this cooled in between dates and I started to wonder if he had second thoughts, he then became very keen again after we met up. He cooled again and then pulled this really lovely holiday out the bag. Holiday was amazing and he shared some very personal details with me about his life but since returning has been cooler again. I invited him over tonight and he said he wasn't feeling great and would let me know but didn't until I prompted him. How do I play this? Appreciate it is early days but like him a lot! Should I back right off and leave him to approach me to arrange the next date (or not?). Is it acceptable to ask how he feels about us following the holiday and if anything has changed?

There are a few things about this that would ring alarm bells for me. The blowing hot and cold, the surprise holiday (maybe just me but at only 3 months in I want to be involved in any decision about a trip away) and the failure to let you know about tonight all suggest that either he likes to be in control and do things his way, or that he is self-absorbed and doesn't see how his actions might impact on you.

I would proceed with extreme caution and make sure you have some boundaries in place so that he doesn't think he can do things all his way.

@ plinkplankplop very good advice! I wasted so much time trying to put boundaries in with someone like this and I’d always let them off the hook because I had zero self esteem. It made me feel like shit over and over again. It’s so exhausting a such a waste of time. It’s horrible having to let someone go when you really like them, but in the end I realised I didn’t like them, I liked the version of them in my head where I’d filled in the blanks with good stuff not the real shit stuff. Wish I’d never have bothered.

He does like to be in control...very accurate description x

powkin I've been there (twice). Hopefully, I've learnt my lesson now. In my case it was also related to low self-esteem which got even lower when I bent over backwards trying to be 'nice' and 'understanding' and 'laid back'. What I really should have said early on is 'you're taking the piss and I won't accept it'.

Sorry OP slight derail of your thread.

Ok so I told him I sensed he needed space last night and he responded that yes, he was sorry he had been so busy, that things would be busy with him for a while as there were problems at work. I told him to let me know if he needed a pause from us to let me know, he responded "no need for a pause, I've just had less time on my hands the last few days, that's all xx". No contact since. How would you read?

OP its up to you.
I think everyone is feeling extra stress right now. Im working 14 hour days, as are friends, as im in travel and our world has collapsed. I wouldnt be able to maintain a NEW relationship right now so am happy to be newly single.

If this is acceptable to you, accept what he says and leave him alone. If its not, and its not unreasonable for it not to be, then tell him its not for you and goodbye. He has all the control, its either ok for you or not. I told you about control as the first responder to your thread but you didnt pick that up from another poster until later, perhaps you arent used to the signs.

My ex had to control when we saw each other, always on his terms, only replied and answered calls when it suited him - even in an emergency situation - it never occured to him he wasnt the centre of the fucking universe and i didnt exist at his convenience. I would say stop-drop- and roll away... but its up to you. It doesnt get better, only worse from this selfish sort.

@Mumoftwo2020 - he's reminding me SO much of my 'ex' (it was complicated). Everything on his terms. Does he ever ask about you? How you are? I don't necessarily think he's 100% a bad guy, but my ex just lived 100% in his own world and just was totally thoughtless about what was going on for others. It got exhausting and frustrating and we fell out all the time. I just couldn't be bothered in the end because I want to be with someone who thinks about me (and I am now).

Maybe leave it and see if he comes back to you and how you feel about that? The randomness and hits of affection can be quite addictive... and destructive.

I told him I sensed he needed space last night
I told him to let me know if he needed a pause from us to let me know

Oh dear. You are being needy. Please stop chasing him!!

And stop trying to read him. Just get on with your life.

If he's into you at all, it's to a negligible degree. Not worth losing any sleep over.