Is my dearest friend loving under coercive control?

[Lifeonhold2020]

Hello everyone .
I wonder if anyone could help .
I have serious concerns a friend of mine is in a coercive relationship.
There are many signs present , things that have been said and possible harm that’s come of coercive control .
She is trapped , and scared it is also to scared to do anything ...
Two children are involved in their relationship.
He has something on her phone that notifies him of messages , calls and emails she receives .
He disciplines her and threatens her often with ‘ punishment ‘.
On several concerning occasions she has been admitted to hospital for several injuries , broken wrist, ankle, ribs .he has also been present at every single doctors / hospital appointment .
He controls her every move , times how long it takes her to go to the shops and back, knows exactly where she is , rings and messages several times to check her whereabouts and skype videos calls to make sure no one else is around her.
He limits her access to friends.
He exercises control over money, running the household under his ideologies.
He is supremely rude to her at times.
He views controls her social media,

I’m am truly scared for her.
However if I was to call the police I know that she would not admit to any abuse because he has threatened her with never seeing the two children again.
He has said to her several times that of ever she wanted to leave he would make sure if it was the last thing on earth that she would never ever see or find the children again.
This I know is emotional blackmail, however her children mean more to her than getting out of this situation .
From asking a few select people I know , the guy has previous form for abusing and controlling previous partners. Those previous partners left quite soon , however she has been with him now for about 8/9 years, the children are a little younger than 7 years old each.

On one occasion she had asked me “is this all there is to my life now?”
I asked what she meant , but she replied with a sense of only providing a purpose to him , she felt she was losing out on life because of the restraints he enforces on her.
She feels she has to abide by his terms or lose everything and that no one would believe any different.
Can anyone help please ?
She is someone I know very well .
How can I deal with this knowledge?
She is constantly looking over her shoulder, like she’s nervous he’ll walk around the corner and either catch her having a quick cigarette or that she shouldn’t be out the house.

She once said that if she was to leave she’d be out on the streets without her kids and be the worst person in everyone else’s eyes.
She is too scared to leave although she won’t admit it.
She quoted him as being exceptionally childlike when he looses his temper, I’ve heard him argue with her and he acts like a spoilt brat and throws his fists around in anger.
She is to me someone exceptionally special, and someone I care more about than she believes because he has messed with her head never to trust anyone but him.
I’m lost :-(
How can I help my dear friend without upsetting her

Op I’m glad to see you posted this here-I was the one in chat who said here might be better.

You’ve had lots of good advice. WOMENS aid will be able to advise I’m sure.

I am surprised that her doctor has not had their suspicions. Can they report him to SS or police.

Thank you JL.
It’s a big decision to make, potentially breaking up a family unit but I know deep down it is for her own safety in the long run.
It just scares me to think what would happen and that she wouldn’t be able to make contact with me if anything happened.

I too am surprised nothing has cropped up, but with him there I can only assume she says what’s expected of her and any different could be suffering for her

I am scared to my gut about everything,
Yet I know deep down she knows it’s not right but she’s so afraid of losing everything.
I’ve told her so many times she has me, here, always ready to stand by her side.
Through thick and thin.

@12345kbm
I read the link to the Womens Aid site you posted, but I have to say that I was very disappointed. Lots of nice words about listening and emotional support, but repeated emphasis that worried friends ultimately need to leave it to the abused person to seek help.

No mention of reporting abuse to either the police or social services. We already know that the OP's friend is refusing to seek help or talk to anyone, even though she seems to be in grave danger. I do not understand why WA is being so non-proactive. Surely there must be more that concerned friends can do?

This is such a sickening feeling.
I know things aren’t right, everyone else who’s seen behind the veil as it were know it’s not right.
I know it’s abuse but the intricacies of what to act on and what to not act on aren’t defined.
I have to do something or I couldn’t live with the guilt of not doing anything

Women's Aid will always work with a survivor to safeguard children but the advice is about how to support a friend. That's really all you can do if someone doesn't want to leave their abuser.

The advice if someone is in danger is always to dial 999. Women's Aid also refer to Social Services if there is a safeguarding issue.

There is nothing you can do to get someone to leave an abuser and, even if you drag them out kicking and screaming, they'll go back if they don't want to leave. You've seen it here time and again where women have asked for advice, been given advice and either stayed or gone back. You've also seen it where children have been taken away because the survivor refuses to leave the abuser.

The survivor has to come to their own decision about leaving. All a friend can do is exactly what's advised otherwise they risk alienating their friend or relative and leaving them even more isolated and cut off from help.

It is often a very slow and frustrating process.

the advice on the WA website is very good
OP you can report to police and SS but your friend willbe keeping herself and her children as safe as she knows how- you know he has threatened her, beaten her and monitors her obsessively- for him to even suspect she is planning to leave, or even seeking advice, would doubtless trigger a violent response.
Remember that when a woman leaves is the most dangerous time, and it has to be planned very carefully.
If and when she feels it is safe to leave there may be practical things you can do to help but for now you just need to be there for her. He will try and interfere with your friendship if he feels you threaten his control over your friend.

It's hard and frustrating to support someone in this situation. You need lots of patience.

Oh no :-(
This cannot be , this has sunk me deeper into worry.
This cannot be right for her or anyone...
I have to act somehow....
I just have to

I know a safe place for her, but he knows where the children go to school, where she works, where HER friends live. I know somewhere she could go, where she would be safe.

Don't try to do this yourself. Women's Aid know what they are doing and will place her out of area.

The thing is that if you do it for her, she's likely to go back to him. The impetus has to come from her; that's the only way she'll stay away from him.

This situation has disturbed me for months.
It’s eating away at me every day, and every day I wish I could see her, see the real girl behind her tired eyes.
I can see it’s been taking its toll on her, when you know something you really know it right!
You know when something’s not right, it’s intangible, not always visible but if you know the person you can tell from their eyes they’re suffering, it’s something about feeling something for that person and then being able to read their faces etc.
It’s so stressful not knowing sometimes which way to turn, when many brick walls are put up.
And the thoughts of what I wish I could do don’t escape me... it’s that feeling of depression when my hands are tied and everything’s going out of control I’m front of me

@Lifeonhold2020.... I understand your frustration, and I cannot accept that the advice on the WA website is good in this instance. It's all very well to dial 999 if someone is in danger. But what is the definition of danger, and how would you know that she is in the kind of acute danger that would necessitate a 999 call.

Personally I would try to talk to someone at WA. Hopefully, if they hear the precise circumstances of your friend's situation, they would be able to help in a more constructive manner. If not, I would try and talk to the DV unit of the police.

Given your description of the abuse your friend is being subjected to, she could well end up dead. Not to mention the effect all this is having on her children. Surely this must be a case needing safeguarding intervention.

I believe she tried to overdose then when she hit the floor he came upstairs and resuscitated her, nothing was said or done after that, apparently he spoke to her and that was that...
And I was told this by her, it broke my heart that she would resort to that rather than leave him.
Surely she is at risk of this furthermore by staying?

You should speak to police, domestic violence unit and ask them for advice on her behalf.
You don't have to give her details. They are very well connected to all other relevant agencies.

She's already been seriously injured, it could end up worse.

He believes he has to know her whereabouts all the time now in her eyes it’s him looking out for her safety, when in effect her safety has been compromised by his abuse.
He’s turned her into depending on him because that’s where he’s pushed her to

@FlowerArranger I don't work for nor have anything to do with Women's Aid. I think the best thing to do is contact them and speak to them about your concerns, which are very valid.

Thank you flowerarranger.
I did think about visiting a police station or see if anyone could visit me about it but I don’t know

This is from the Metropolitan police DV website, but I expect there will be similar for where you're based:

If you've been the victim of domestic abuse, or are concerned for someone who is, you can report this in the safety of your local police station.

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/how-to-report-domestic-abuse/

Thank you. I believe once I’ve said something to them it’ll not go away, they’ll obviously start to enquire etc ..

I wish I'd had a friend like you all those years ago when I was in her position.

However I will say anything other than total intervention and safe removal of all the victims will likely put them in more danger. I know it would have me.

She’s someone so very dear to my heart. I would never put her or her wonderful children in harms way

So what are you going to do about it OP ?