Have you ever been the fall back girl?

[orangleblossom]

When did you realise and what did you do about it? How did it work out. Thanks x

Anyone ??

Stop replying to him

Blocked him as soon as I realised

No one wants to be second best or the consolation prize, if you are get out now. There is no happy ever after.

Thamks@ErickBroch . I have. I feel silly as a grown woman not to see what he was doing.
I never had sexual relations with him ( as I'm 99% sure he is closet gay) but as an emotional fallback when his partner works.

No but if I ever found out I was he'd be gone.

Thanks pp's too. Crossed posts.

Yes and the second I realised (it was a date I had mistook for a friendly catch-up) I literally said I have to go, got up and walked away and went home.

In the time between him dumping me for his preferred woman and the “catch up” I had gotten over him. He thought I’d be mad for him forever and he could just pick me up where he left me!

Would You agree that an emotional fall back girl is a thing?
Or was he just bored and in need of light entertainment and chat? No sexual innuendo or such like.

If there is no sexual innuendo, and he’s likely gay, are you not just friends? Fall back woman indicates a romantic relationship.

Can I ask@caramelbun , did you think it was more and then he dumped you but expected continued chat: meetings et cetera or was there something big between you but then he left?? If I can ask, what was the context thanks

Sorry@Bluntness100, I don't mean to confuse but this goes way back. There used to be plenty of sexual innuendo until we got
Close and then he told me that he didn't have sexual feelings but did find women attractive but was repulsed by the idea of sleeping with them.fast forward a few years, he has a partner who has agreed to no sex but his daily, intense and heavy contact with me has remained, until now whenI realised that the moment she leaves their house for work, he gets straight into messenger and our chats go on for hours and hours.
He then disappears when she returns from work and the cycle continues.It only clicked to me last week and Strange as it seems,I can actually time to within five Minutes when he starts to message.We work together too.

What do you get out of it? He’s told you he’s not attracted to you and stopped the inneundo. If his partner is happy to be his beard, for whatever reason, she is not going to be worried about infidelity. Or he is lying and isn’t gay and does have sex with her.

Sounds like when she’s there she is his priority but he talks to you like friends when he is not occupied with her.

Are you happy to be his friend. If so, I’m not seeing the issue. He’s made it clear he doesn’t wish more and he is in a relationship.

Thanks@Bluntness100 .
I guess I feel a little used ? However we do lots of stuff together too but not as much as we did do. Fall back girl may be the wrong title to use.
Ya, perhaps I feel used and he just contacts me ( hundreds of messages) when they are not together although we do lots one on one. Perhaps I'm trying to make sense of this and could do with a little help breaking it down?
Sorry about confusion.

It was an ex boyfriend who I’d been friends with for a long time before we were together. He had gone off to work in another part of the country when we were dating and then dumped me for someone he worked with. It didn’t work out for him and this woman and when he came back home he invited me out on a walk/coffee. After not too long the arm came down onto my shoulders and I realised he just wanted to pick up where he left off with me! No thank you.

So it was quite clear what happened. And he didn’t try again or expect me to invest lots of time talking to him. We don’t talk any more but I have no bad feelings for him, I think what happened reflected immaturity on both sides.

I think being an emotional fall back person is a thing.

It could be just friendly and he loves chatting, some people just can’t stop. If you can consider it part of a platonic friendship then just enjoy it. If it is winding you up then stop replying and he will get the hint. I think it’s odd that he waits until his partner is gone to message you but that’s not your fault.

I think op assume you’re just friends as he has made clear and know he will prioritise his partner when she’s about. Which seems fair.

If you’re not happy with this, then pull back,

Do you want more from him? It reads like you think there is something romantic there, when he has made it clear that is not the case.

His partner doesn't like the time he spends in contact with me. Thanks@caramelbun

I think that some of his qualities are exactly
The type of qualities I would love in a man,as a partner.
I would not or could not be in a sexless relationship.
I feel very loved by him as a friend and to know that he has always been open and honest and complimentary about me as a person has had an extraordinary impact on my confidence through the years. I appreciate him and at my lowest ebb, he lifted me and helped
Me believe in myself once more
We are valuable to each other and think very highly of one another.
That he has said for years that he did find me attractive, his ideal woman , et cetera is always at the back of my mind.
I was honest and told him that I could not live a sexless life.I think he would have liked that.Being anything but heterosexual in his culture/ family is not an option.
I wonder if now, I am just someone he picks up and drops when he doesn't have company.
Thanks for letting me rant and helping me unpick.

Why doesn’t his partner like it? That seems unreasonable, he doesn’t interfere on his time with her with you, he has made it clear he has no physical attraction, no romantic interests, so why would his partner object to a friendship?

Does she think there is more in it from your side and his contact is maybe misleading you?

I'm not sure but she thinks our contact is too
fullon and she does not like that we go to dinner and go travelling together and other such plans.
She has said that we seem to have too much contact outside of work and that his down time could best be spent with her.
As an aside, he makes plans independent of consulting her so I expect that might irritate her.
That is what I know or what he has told me.

Thanks@Bluntness100.
This has confused me and I am upset because of the current situation.

His relationship is his problem to deal with op. Not yours, don’t stress about it. If you’re happy with the friendship crack on and let him deal with his own issues.

I do think there is an undertone to your comments though, I think you have a romantic interest in this man. You don’t want to believe he is sexually involved with her, and you don’t like the fact he prioritises her.

It does seem he’s played you a bit, flattering you, then when it came to the crunch he had to explain he wasn’t interested.

I suspect he likes your attention and having you pining after him, and you look to him to be some form of pseudo partner. Hence why you hang on to him telling you you were attractive. And not hanging on to him telling you he doesn’t wish to be sexually involved with you.

Take it as a friendship, no more, accept he is hugely likely to be physically involved with his partner, and he prioritises her.

If you can’t accept all he is offering, friendship only and you won’t be prioritised over his partner, then pull back.

Thank you for being honest@Bluntness100
I value the friendship.Perhaps I didn't
Write, but it is with all women that he finds sex repulsive. He squirms when talk of sex is in play.
I need to make a decision about what level of friendship I can function with as I will never be able to move on and find my own happiness if I continue to feel second rate to his primary relationship.
Through awful times, this is the friendship that has really got me through, so I feel like I'm clinging to him and him to me ( as he had similar lows and I was his main source of contact and support).probably codependency at play also .

realised that the moment she leaves their house for work, he gets straight into messenger and our chats go on for hours and hours

He sounds very emoitionally needy, and also that maybe he led you on for whatever reason.

Think of all the time/focus that you'd have without him for real (rather than just when it's convenient to him) friends.

Of course you can be an emotional fall-back person. I have a friend who probably only really chats to/relies on me when no-one else is around, especially on messenger.

I would describe him as emotionally needy for sure.
He needs affirmation and lots more of ego stroking which I do not tend to.
He has said that he gets plenty of this from his partner and is amazed by her.