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Original poster

My partner and I never have sex

66 replies

TTlover · 16/03/2020 00:06

We are 24 and live together. Have been together for 6 years.

Recently the sex has just stopped. I’m talking probably a month going on two months without sex now. I’ve tried talking to him about it. He says he is depressed (he’s been through some tough times at the moment).

But it annoys me how he can be up playing the PlayStation but not want to come to bed with me - and when he does he falls asleep.

He came up tonight and he was spooning me and I pushed my bum into him. He then said he needed to put the cover between us because my body temperature was hot.

I called his bluff and said it was hot and came downstairs to sleep on the sofa. It is becoming frustrating to the point where I just don’t want to sleep with him !

What should I do?

OP posts:
Lalala205 · 16/03/2020 02:08

Well I wouldn't jump on the bandwagon of 'he's gay 🙄'. If he's depressed it's very possible the last thing he wants to do is have sex (I know that doesn't help you!). Online gaming/TV are very obvious 'distractions' that people can 'buy into', if they're feeling low. My netflix doesn't judge me if I binge watch when I feel the need to escape from socialising/physical contact. Is he prepared to discuss how he's feeling with his GP? Is work currently battering his head?... I recently went through a spell of not wanting sex due to stress/life issues. If my DP had declared 'I'm must be gay!', I'd honestly have been wtf?! No, no I'm fully aware of my own sexuality, I was just feeling very demoralised in myself at the time, and sex wasn't top on my list of things to do. But at the same time no-one has to stay in a relationship that isn't meeting their own needs.

RantyAnty · 16/03/2020 07:33

Porn addiction?

Original poster
TTlover · 16/03/2020 07:54

Thank you all.

He has been through some things in these recent months that are too triggering to post on here. I spoke to him about it last night and he was crying. He has admitted that he needs help with himself. He is getting a counsellor. I will wait for him as long as it’s needed. You’re right - I need to be there for him right now , not make him spiral into a darker place. X

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 16/03/2020 12:22

You’re so young OP. Haven’t been with him long.

Seriously don’t trouble your mind on this one. Hard work. Plus he plays PlayStation ... that alone is enough to kick him to the kerb, ffs !

Go find some sexy young man who cannot keep his hands off you.... there’s plenty out there....go have fun Grin

EmeraldShamrock · 16/03/2020 13:13

You’re so young OP. Haven’t been with him long
Go find some sexy young man who cannot keep his hands off you.... there’s plenty out there....go have fun
OP is with her partner 6 years, she is 24, he is her best friend and lover. It is no reason to dump a long term partner due to a small dry spell of 2 months in 6 years. Did you read how he has had troubling times lately.

mdocman1969 · 16/03/2020 13:41

You’re too young for this. Get out now, or you will have a lifetime of misery.

BeansOnToast123 · 16/03/2020 15:10

In my twenties I was with my ex for nearly six years, the last nearly three years of this was completely sexless. No foreplay, no kissing, no holding hands no nothing. I thought it was me, went to the doctors to explain and felt very stupid!
Anyway, one night he was laughing and showed me a naked picture of one of his friends. Apparently it was ‘normal’ for him and a few men to send naked pictures of each other.
After a few more months and other suspicious behaviour I ended it as it was a waste of both my time and his. Friends of his afterwards then told me that growing up through school everyone thought that he would be gay. His father was extremely anti-gay and I think ex was scared of coming out.
He never did admit to being gay, but he spent a lot of time and weekends away with male ‘friends’.
If you’ve made your mind up and don’t want to be with him anymore then end it. Don’t waste anymore time like I did, if you want to end the relationship then do. It’s not healthy physically or mentally to carry on plodding on for the sake of it.
Good luck

BeansOnToast123 · 16/03/2020 15:12

And if you do decide to end the relationship then there’s nothing stopping you from carrying on the friendship if you wanted and helping him go through his troubles

CtrlU · 16/03/2020 15:17

I agree with @mdocman1969 and @beansontoast

You deserve better than this. If he doesn’t care enough to try and fix the problem (but would rather stay up all night playing PlayStation Confused) then you shouldn’t feel bad about moving on.

restingbitchface30 · 16/03/2020 15:23

See this is the thing, people always presume men are always up for it. Nope. This isn’t the case. I thought there was something wrong with me when my partner didn’t want sex. But talking to my male friends made me realise that stress, depression, low mood, tiredness etc can really make a guy not want it. Just be there for him and when he comes round he will be all over u again!

restingbitchface30 · 16/03/2020 15:24

Oh and there are some real nasty comments on here. Get rid coz he plays PlayStation?! Jeez

TheWordmeister · 16/03/2020 15:30

You're only 24. For whatever reason is underlying, you need to get out of this 'relationship'.

And fwiw, an adult who plays on a Playstation would be an instant turn off to me.

GlassOfProsecco · 16/03/2020 16:00

I was you, OP - apart from a decade older. I loved him very much & when he told me about his depression, I encouraged him to have counselling, see a GP, get treated. I was trying to support him & stayed with him.

What I found out years later, was that he was shagging the accountant at work & had checked out of the relationship (hence the late night computer playing, avoiding intimacy)

Take care of yourself; don't be in this situation in a year. Put a time limit on things & if he won't engage with getting help then it's time to make an exit.

ZoeandChandon · 16/03/2020 16:04

Ask him to put away the play station away for a month, and give his full attention to all areas of your relationship.

jmcg2015 · 16/03/2020 16:33

Just as a women is free and encouraged to not have sex if they don't want to, I don't see why it should be different because its a man. Maybe he simply doesnt want to, depression is a complex thing, it doesn't mean someone's entire mood is changed, he could be feeling bad about himself so therefore intimacy is too much to handle

Cheeseandwin5 · 16/03/2020 16:43

Wow I can not believe the initial replies on here, person says they are depressed and instead of being supportive, you are just pressuring him into sex and throwing a strop and worse still you get the usual small minding hypocrites saying he is gay or affairs and to LTB.
You have been with him six years is the attitude you or the aforementioned posters would want if they became depressed and didn't fancy sex.
Sadly as some have said you would never get the same response form those posters if you were saying you were depressed and your BF was pressuring you
Just because he seems happy doesn't mean he is, depression can affect ppl in different ways, but many hide it.
Talk support and trust him and basically be the partner you would want in these circumstances.

BeansOnToast123 · 16/03/2020 18:11

Apologies if my post has offended. I was telling my story and how I stayed for three years with no sex. Goodness I really tried, I was always ‘there’ for him, I booked several weekends away as I thought maybe that would do us good, we even very nearly bought a place together. When we did split, he actually begged me for a baby, said that would bring us together again and that his mum wanted us to hurry up and have a grandchild for herHmm. Obviously I told him no.
I didn’t mean to inform that op’s partner was gay, being gay had been mentioned by a po and it brought up thoughts of my past which is why I said about it.
Once again, I haven’t intentionally meant to offend anyone.

Original poster
TTlover · 16/03/2020 18:41

Thanks all. We have just booked a session with a counsellor so I think I owe it to him to give him a chance.

I think if I were to disclose what he has been though you would all say to stay and support. It’s not the usual stress people have! There is a specific reason why he doesn’t feel like sex and I do see the link upon talking to him. I have also looked through his history (I was paranoid) and no sight of porn sites etc).

We’ve been together 6 years so I altleast need to try or I’ll always be wondering what if I didn’t ?

OP posts:
PrawnSacrifice · 16/03/2020 19:08

The double standards are just incredible.

I take it he carries the mental load and does his fair share of chores, otherwise you wouldn't want sex with him, as that's the common theme, or does that only apply when the man wants it more?

Original poster
TTlover · 16/03/2020 19:39

No! He doesn’t do many chores. I mainly keep the house. I don’t really understand what you’re getting at?

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 16/03/2020 22:58

He might be a porn addict.

My ex is. We have just split up the last few days and sex was an issue for me as it’s been a year. Infact this time last year to the day I conceived my son. But he was always wanking to porn despite knowing I wanted to be physical.

Maybe the relationship has run its course.

jmcg2015 · 16/03/2020 23:58

Amazing how many suggestions to kick this guy to the kerb based on absolutely nothing. As has been mentioned if it were a female who didn't want sex and the guy did - the result would be the same, get rid of him, if he wants and you don't then he must be pressuring you. Some folk really are warped on here

Sadiesnakes · 17/03/2020 02:48

Come back when you've found out his massive porn addiction op.

IkeaSlave · 17/03/2020 03:33

Many suggestions to end things are based on the knowledge that relationships started when you are 18 don't last. Sure, sometimes they do, when people are too afraid to step beyond what they have always known for example, but most are time limited by pretty much the amount of time ops relationship has lasted. She is young, so young, why go down that codependent 'supportive' path. I'd hate my 18 year old daughter to end up like this at 24. Life really is too short.

candycanesxo · 17/03/2020 05:22

Hiya I completely relate to this, I have been with my partner since 17 I'm 26 now and he is a gamer spends lot time on his pc and we have sex about once a month aswell, I am always the one to initiate and he says he is tired and it is frustrating I am still in the mindframe of do I give up and leave but it hurts me inside I love him still it's so horrible I don't know what to do either :( yes wish they would just take control and start touching and wanting us makes feel not desired, sorry I am not being much help welcome to message me to! Could use your help too xxXx