Cant cope anymore

[Dee96]

I dont even know where to start. Me and my boyfriend started dating nearly a year ago. During the first couple of weeks he admitted to taking drugs, but reassured me he was on the mend and had been sobering up. He made it seem less of a issue than it really was, until he started going on intense binges to the point where he couldnt get up to go to our dates the next day and would leave me wondering whether he would show up at all or not. Then within the first 3 months of our relationship I got pregnant and discovered his true colours. He was cold, unsympathetic and told me to have an abortion and that I'd get over it eventually. Instead of being there for me through the pregnancy which was a horrific experience as they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy so I was in and out of hospital the whole time, he was doing drugs heavy, at work and after it. I would only see him when he came to mine at midnight off his face, have sex with me then go to sleep and disappear in the morning. I was chasing him making sure he was okay and no one was there to ask if I was. My heart was broken by this, I felt I had no other choice given my family and himself were being unsupportive. I've been raised in a broken home with no relationship with my farther and didnt want that for my child, I wanted him/her to be brought up in a loving home with a father figure. I felt so cornered, helpless and alone. Against my will, given all the factors in my life at that moment; I decided it was the best, although not necessarily right thing to do. During one of our arguments he basically told me the pregnancy was too much for him and not his problem, and abandoned me. Once I told him I was having an abortion he became alot more supportive and present, and suddenly without a word of what happened or an apology he was there by my side again. Months went by and he never mentioned what happened, it has all been swept under a rug. My boyfriend continued to do drugs, but this time instead of respectfully keeping it away from me he would come back to me in a state, after a massive arguement he told me he would stop, that he wanted to get better and wouldn't make me feel like hes choosing a substance over me. My home life got quite bad and my boyfriend offered for me to live with him, throughout that time I realised although he had loosened up on the drug taking he had began drinking. Drinking to the point that he couldnt keep a job. Since he left his originally job where I have met him he hasn't been able to hold down one as of yet. Because he has no sense of responsibility and decides if a job isn't to his liking he wont continue, despite owing his parents rent and asking me continounsely to give him money for his insurances and loans. Every date has been paid by me and it's got ridiculous. He makes no effort to surprise me. For valentines day he gave me dead flowers. He doesnt take me out to romantic places and doesnt ever decide on dates. For my birthday I had to pay for the end of the night because he ran out of money, yet he somehow still finds a way to continuously drink. When I brought this up to his attention it would turn into nasty arguments where he accuses me of being controlling, gets defensive and turns it around making it seem like I'm trying to keep him from his friends. He denies having a drinking problem and claims everyone of a 23yr old age goes out at least 3 times a week and gets drunk. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting and going crazy. He just seems to have no care at all. About his job, about our could of been child , about our relationship and importantly me. Everytime we had one of these arguments I would ask him whether I was wasting my time and whether he wanted this relationship to which he would reply I dont know. We both agreed I would move back to mine on some days to give him space but I'm losing my mind. This relationship has drained and dragged me down, I'm so emotionally unstable to the point I dont recognise myself. I dont remember the last time I've felt happy and cant believe I've let someone treated me like this. I've lost my job as I've too depressed to go in over this all and now I'm a empty shell. I miss the baby I carried and it doesnt help that when I brought up my abortion during one of our rows my boyfriend denied every leaving me, and said that he was planning to come back. He makes it seem like it's all in my head, and I'm just devastated that in his head he really isn't at fault for anything. If I dare say something he accuses me of painting him like the villian and calls my behaviour tiring. I'm just really at my wits end, I dont know what to do. I have nothing going for myself and I feel like I've let myself and my baby down so much. What do I do know? How do I go about life with nothing left? I'm currently with him right now but I'm just so tired of being upset. The constant lies and manipulation around his addictions have me so insecure and paranoid. The days that I was going home to give us space I know hes using to do drugs even though he promised me he wouldn't and he would work on himself. I'm at a complete dead end. I've sacrificed my mental well being, money and my baby all for him. And now I have nothing. I'm sorry for this being long but I really wanted to include everything I've gone through in this short span of nearly a year with him.

Why are you still with him?

You are better off without a drug using scumbag.

He is an absolute waste of space. Why oh why are you still with him? Leave him, block him, do the Freedom Programme so you can raise your bar and your boundaries for future relationships.

You can do so much better. It's better to be alone than to be in a terrible relationship. Why did you stay with him? He's completely selfish and would be a terrible father.

He's an addict - he cares Moore's about his next f his than about anything else. You can't change him. All you can do is change your own behaviour.

More
Fix

Sorry for the typos

You are better off without him. I know it feels horrible right now but you will get through this. You will come out the other side.

Sorry but I didnt even get to the end of your post. Why are you with him? I'd have left after the first 3 months. He's an absolute waste of space who treats you appallingly. Please get some help to see this and leave as soon as you feel strong enough. I know it's hard but you'll be so much happier in the long run

Sorry, I couldn't read it all, but the start says enough. You need to own the choice you made in continuing to see him, in order to own your next decision. Do you see? Right now you are in the story, tied up in the narrative of everything he did. You need to give your head a wobble, ask yourself what on earth you were thinking, in order to cut him out of your life, completely block him and distance yourself. Never set your bar this low again.

Why are you with him?
He showed you who he was within the very short time you were together before you became pregnant ad during, yet you stayed?
What you are doing OP is giving him the green light to treat you like shit so he will.
He clearly doesn't want a relationship so before you invest anymore time leave, you don't have to stay it wont get better!

Go back home permanently

You can’t fix him and he is making his choices. Sounds like the termination was a blessing in disguise as you wouldn’t rest if you sent your child to be in his care and you’ll be constantly worried he is off his face and not able to look after the child properly.

It’s hard but you’re still young and will move on from this. If you stay you’ll get more attached and he will dig his claws in even more and it will be harder to go.

Move back home and focus on getting over this trauma

Dear girl, what are you doing? What are you doing?

He brings nothing positive to your life and so many negative things. How do you think your life will be worse if you leave him?

I'm so sorry about your baby but the one positive from your loss is that you are not tied to this man for the rest of your life.

He accuses you of painting him as a villain and says you are tiring. Who cares what he thinks or says? Why do you?

You mention your home life in passing and it sounds as though you haven't had an example of a loving relationship and that you may not have a loving, supportive mother to tell you firmly, "no, you are worth more than this".

There are plenty of mothers and mother figures on this forum, so allow me: No. You are worth more than this. Enough now.

The fact you stayed with him after his early behaviour suggests to me that you need a lot of good counseling to strengthen your self-worth and sense of self. Please look into that without the burden of this man around your neck.

You haven't lost everyything OP, you can build it up again. Start by getting your mental health better (GP- go back so they can try something else if you've already been, and counselling/therapy- at least get on a list.)

Cut ties with this bloke- block block block. Then you won't have him dragging you down, and you can focus on getting well and building things up. xxx Take as long as you need.

For all those asking why I stayed and continue to do so, even I dont know the answer to that. I'm just so beaten down from this I dont know where else to go. I dont know how to start over and I'm scared of being alone when I cant even keep myself afloat. In the start as I said I stayed because he had me convinced his addictions would not present to be a problem in our relationship. As cracks started showing with this I would write it off as a temporary relapse, and everytime I'd fight back about it to make it known i was not okay with it he would cry and promise he was working to do and be better. I stayed at his because it was between picking staying with his drinking problem or staying with my abusive dad. And yes, I believed him. Now I dont, he has broken my trust countless times. I know I should go home, but then what? Be left with the pieces to pick up and fix whilst he happily goes about seeing his friends drinking. He wont care, no one will. And I will have to be forced to face the reality of my regret for my abortion all alone, whilst getting over our relationship and whilst having to find my feet again. Right now I dont have the strength for that so in a way I feel effectively trapped.

@OverTheGrillesAndFaraday your words brought tears to my eyes. I've been trying to remind myself this and I only just came out of a controlling toxic relationship. I swore to myself never again and yet I somehow found myself going through the exact same thing and I dont know how i let it get this bad, and allow someone to sap everything out of me. I say it's out of love for that person but then I think it's just cowardice, choosing others over myself and feeling like when I have so little left I want to stay and make it work to make it all worth something. But the longer I stay the more hurt this person causes me. Everytime I think theres nothing more he can do he surprises me. My mum hasn't been fond of him since my pregnancy situation, however whenever I mention how hes treating me she always refers it back to her and my dads situation. She is too wrapped up in her own failing relationship and constantly says its just how men are. Like this is all we as women are doomed to experience and endure. Theres no hope. When I talk to my mum I realise how bitterly similar me and my bfs relationship is to my mum and dads loveless marriage and it hurts me because I vowed to myself never to get into that and take my mums life as example for it

I'm very sorry you have had such a tough time.

You are going to have to pull yourself out of your sense of paralysis though. Otherwise you are literally never going to be happy.

I understand you feel beaten down and horrendous, I really do. But you need to start moving in the right direction. Starting today.

Go to the library or McDonalds or something, somewhere away from him and your dad, and make a list of the things you need to do to get away from this feckless excuse for a human being. Break down that list into one thing to do, every day.

And then started ticking the list off.

Stop listening to anything this guy says. Seriously. NEVER again should you EVER listen to someone's words, when their actions are so blatantly showing you that their talk is cheap. Never betray yourself like that again.

From now on, your full time job needs to be getting away from this guy and into a stable situation for yourself. You are young. You can do this. But you need to start doing things. Wallowing in the misery he has created will not help you.

But it's not just him doing drugs it's the fact he's an arsehole on top of it all.

I'm really sorry if you're regretting your abortion, please do have counseling if that's the case. But if you'd like children, then ditch him, find someone genuinely decent as you'll be tied to them your entire life! and slowly move towards that.

But please, please do something like the freedom programme so you can spot the arseholes more easily.

Dee96 please don’t get over-focussed on why you have stayed with him.
We all have our reasons, and it is really, really important to avoid blaming yourself for being with an abusive man.

You deserve so much better than this. Think of it this way: he will always be an unpleasant drug taking loser, but you are a much better person, and can get a better life.

Try not to feel guilt about your abortion. The baby would not have had a good father. Think instead of the children you can give a better life in the future. Don’t they deserve something better?
Everything you think your future children deserve, you deserve too.

I think right now, you need practical help, to concentrate on your mental wellbeing, and ideally help with somewhere to live that is neither an abusive boyfriend or abusive father.

You are experiencing abuse. Try contacting the National Domestic Violence hotline:
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwpLfzBRCRARIsAHuj6qUNEDlKgGAtwdiNPzvq1O0WlH10SBp23K1ZCprnlYXHkfKhnjbWbvYaAtE5EALw_wcB

And women’s aid: www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwpLfzBRCRARIsAHuj6qU9KjdgjgaY_V_Ajo0qcmXR8hpENLmMHlpSc5WKqu04i3la18Ii9-gaAo3DEALw_wcB

I think women’s aid can get you onto the Freedom Programme, which has helped huge numbers of women.

Please don’t despair, there is help out there. And keep posting here; we are all rooting for you.

Hi Op

This guy brings absolutely nothing positive to your life.

Quite the reverse, he takes drugs and does not prioritise you.

Please remove this person from your life and move on.

Almost every thread on here has someone telling the op to get some counselling before having another relationship. On your thread it will be me. If you were my daughter I'd be encouraging you to dump him asap and not look back. I know its easy for a stranger on the internet to say though.

I tried to go to my gp for stress related to this all, she didnt listen. I was signed off work for two weeks only to be dismissed. I cant afford therapy and counselling really doesnt do anything for me, it needs to be face to face and even then I dont feel like it helps that much. My families all got their own issues to deal with and in all honesty I dont have any close friends to confide in. Majority of my friends are male and they all have very similar ideas on abortions and pregnancy so I'd rather not open up to them

You need to make a plan for yourself. You cant rely on other people.

It sounds like you need to get a new job, as a first step. What qualifications do you have, and what experience?

Have you called women's aid or the domestic violence helpline?

I think you need to go back to the GP and talk to her and explain exactly how you feel and what you need, there might be help available in the area, though there's a high chance you'll have to go on a waiting list.

But you'll be better once you're rid of your main source of stress which seems to be this deadbeat.

Isnt being alone better than being with someone like him, who cares nothing for you and drags you down - isnt that worse than being alone and free? Its hard being alone i know but embrace it you will feel liberated! I hope you can get help from gp (try another) get a new job and break away once and for all. He’s sucking the life out of you like a harry potter dementor. You are worth so much more -remember that.

I wish I could directly transfer a big jolt of strength to you, along with the clarity and certainty that you are in control of your life and have so many more options than you can see.

It's hard (for everyone) when living in patterns to properly grasp that there are other ways and that you actually have the power to do things differently. It takes more mental effort initially to form new habits and requires dredging up enough energy for a burst of positive, creative thinking but once you understand that you can choose something else, it's so empowering.

All men are not like this, OP, they're just not. It was a different situation but I remember that suspicion from my younger days - thinking that either this was just what it was like, or at least that the only type of man I could ever get was the one I had. It's not true. I sometimes still have to pinch myself that I've now been happily married to a wonderful man who loves me for a long time.

I can also now see that the cliché that it is better to be alone than in bad company is TRUE. Whatever your situation once you've left, you won't have someone in your ear constantly bringing you down and slowly, slowly you will come back to yourself and take more and more control over little pieces of your life as you gradually realise that you can.

I can hear the hopelessness in your posts and my biggest wish for you is to realise that that is the biggest illusion keeping you frozen. Keep chipping away at different options. Don't give up

Also, please look up the 'sunk cost fallacy'.

This relationship won't be made something worth having by your continuing to flog a dead horse. Let it, and the effort you've put in so far, go. Had it been a waste of energy so far? Yes. We've all wasted energy at one time or another. It's in the past . You need your energy for new things.

Please please please leave him

You are repeating history, you don’t want to, but subconsciously you are drawn to addicted,unavailable, abusive men. (Probably like your father)
You are drawn to this dynamic because it is familiar and you are trying to heal unfinished business with your father.

If you can’t go to counselling I highly recommend these online counsellors:
Susan Winter
Matthew Hussey
Alex Cormont
Derrick Jaxn

I think you may be suffering from Complex Ptsd, which is triggered by a traumatic childhood.
Richard Grannon is good on YouTube.

Stay out of a relationship until you are stronger. Work on your boundaries and self confidence. You do not want a druggy loser as your child’s father.

Just remember:

1. The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.
2. The only person who can make you truly happy is your self.

Love yourself more.

I have nothing going for myself and I feel like I've let myself and my baby down so much.
When I talk to my mum I realise how bitterly similar me and my bfs relationship is to my mum and dads loveless marriage.
Majority of my friends are male and they all have very similar ideas on abortions and pregnancy so I'd rather not open up to them.
I know I should go home, but then what? Be left with the pieces to pick up and fix whilst he happily goes about seeing his friends drinking.
I dont know how to start over and I'm scared of being alone when I cant even keep myself afloat.

Right now, all you can see is negatives and it all seems hopeless - and who can blame you. You've had a rough start in life and no one has ever nurtured you. As a result you have no sense of your own worth and no perception of what a normal relationship is like. It is not surprising that you are seeking validation from others, nor that you are falling for abusers. They can sense your vulnerability and lack of resilience and deliberately choose you because they know that you will accept all kinds of abuse, because you know no better.

Please do not beat yourself up about the termination. It's very easy for others - especially men!! - to condemn you, but they are not the ones who would have been left holding the baby. You did not kill your baby; you terminated a fetus. Be proud that for once in your life you put your own needs first. You now have the chance to make a life for yourself, so please grab this opportunity with both hands.

So, how will you do this, given that you cannot keep yourself afloat? First off, leave him and move back with your mum. Not ideal, sure, but better than staying with your abuser. At the same time, put all thoughts of your Ex happily doing whatever he does out of your mind. You know he isn't happy - he leads a miserable life.

Next, you need to find a way of changing your outlook. Podcasts about positive thinking and learned optimism, CBT, mindfulness training - whatever resonates with you. Insist your GP refer you for counselling and/or CBT. Louise Hay's book will definitely help you:

www.goodreads.com/book/show/129603.You_Can_Heal_Your_Life

At the same time, look into doing the Freedom Programme (Google it). If there are no groups near you, do it online. But do it.

Then get a job. And start building friendships with strong women, women who are positive and know where they are going and who are not beholden to any man in their lives. You want positive role models and, through mutually supportive interactions, aim to build up a network of friends who have your back.

And then you need to start the really hard work of becoming yourself. Your aim is to develop your self-esteem and self-worth, become resilient and self-reliant, learn to be content and happy on your own, establish boundaries, and not take shit from anyone. Treat this as a long-term project, but make sure you do a little every day. Put it in your diary so it becomes a commitment.

Here are the books that will get your PROJECT ME off to a good start:

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Yes, it's quite a list, but don't feel overwhelmed. You'll need to eat this elephant one bite at a time . And do come back to Mumsnet whenever you have a wobble.