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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cant cope anymore

37 replies

Dee96 · 15/03/2020 19:57

I dont even know where to start. Me and my boyfriend started dating nearly a year ago. During the first couple of weeks he admitted to taking drugs, but reassured me he was on the mend and had been sobering up. He made it seem less of a issue than it really was, until he started going on intense binges to the point where he couldnt get up to go to our dates the next day and would leave me wondering whether he would show up at all or not. Then within the first 3 months of our relationship I got pregnant and discovered his true colours. He was cold, unsympathetic and told me to have an abortion and that I'd get over it eventually. Instead of being there for me through the pregnancy which was a horrific experience as they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy so I was in and out of hospital the whole time, he was doing drugs heavy, at work and after it. I would only see him when he came to mine at midnight off his face, have sex with me then go to sleep and disappear in the morning. I was chasing him making sure he was okay and no one was there to ask if I was. My heart was broken by this, I felt I had no other choice given my family and himself were being unsupportive. I've been raised in a broken home with no relationship with my farther and didnt want that for my child, I wanted him/her to be brought up in a loving home with a father figure. I felt so cornered, helpless and alone. Against my will, given all the factors in my life at that moment; I decided it was the best, although not necessarily right thing to do. During one of our arguments he basically told me the pregnancy was too much for him and not his problem, and abandoned me. Once I told him I was having an abortion he became alot more supportive and present, and suddenly without a word of what happened or an apology he was there by my side again. Months went by and he never mentioned what happened, it has all been swept under a rug. My boyfriend continued to do drugs, but this time instead of respectfully keeping it away from me he would come back to me in a state, after a massive arguement he told me he would stop, that he wanted to get better and wouldn't make me feel like hes choosing a substance over me. My home life got quite bad and my boyfriend offered for me to live with him, throughout that time I realised although he had loosened up on the drug taking he had began drinking. Drinking to the point that he couldnt keep a job. Since he left his originally job where I have met him he hasn't been able to hold down one as of yet. Because he has no sense of responsibility and decides if a job isn't to his liking he wont continue, despite owing his parents rent and asking me continounsely to give him money for his insurances and loans. Every date has been paid by me and it's got ridiculous. He makes no effort to surprise me. For valentines day he gave me dead flowers. He doesnt take me out to romantic places and doesnt ever decide on dates. For my birthday I had to pay for the end of the night because he ran out of money, yet he somehow still finds a way to continuously drink. When I brought this up to his attention it would turn into nasty arguments where he accuses me of being controlling, gets defensive and turns it around making it seem like I'm trying to keep him from his friends. He denies having a drinking problem and claims everyone of a 23yr old age goes out at least 3 times a week and gets drunk. He makes me feel like I'm overreacting and going crazy. He just seems to have no care at all. About his job, about our could of been child , about our relationship and importantly me. Everytime we had one of these arguments I would ask him whether I was wasting my time and whether he wanted this relationship to which he would reply I dont know. We both agreed I would move back to mine on some days to give him space but I'm losing my mind. This relationship has drained and dragged me down, I'm so emotionally unstable to the point I dont recognise myself. I dont remember the last time I've felt happy and cant believe I've let someone treated me like this. I've lost my job as I've too depressed to go in over this all and now I'm a empty shell. I miss the baby I carried and it doesnt help that when I brought up my abortion during one of our rows my boyfriend denied every leaving me, and said that he was planning to come back. He makes it seem like it's all in my head, and I'm just devastated that in his head he really isn't at fault for anything. If I dare say something he accuses me of painting him like the villian and calls my behaviour tiring. I'm just really at my wits end, I dont know what to do. I have nothing going for myself and I feel like I've let myself and my baby down so much. What do I do know? How do I go about life with nothing left? I'm currently with him right now but I'm just so tired of being upset. The constant lies and manipulation around his addictions have me so insecure and paranoid. The days that I was going home to give us space I know hes using to do drugs even though he promised me he wouldn't and he would work on himself. I'm at a complete dead end. I've sacrificed my mental well being, money and my baby all for him. And now I have nothing. I'm sorry for this being long but I really wanted to include everything I've gone through in this short span of nearly a year with him.

OP posts:
Dee96 · 17/03/2020 17:07

@lexiepuppy I never knew. It may be very much possible that is the case, i looked further into complex PTSD and it describes everything I'm going through. When things between me and my bf got really bad, constant arguments over his constant drinking I had started scratching myself as a reaction to being so upset. I didnt understand it as I was completely aware but out of control when ever I did it, and the fact that i was hurting myself made me more upset. I really do need to learn how to love myself more, but first i need to get the courage and strength to be able to do that. Thankyou for your suggestions I definitely will look into them. The last thing I want is to end up with another version of my dad, far from it and I want to make sure I can do everything possible to end up with someone completely unlike him.

OP posts:
Dee96 · 29/03/2020 23:12

I'm very thankful for all these posts. But I'm afraid I've let myself and everyone on here down. I just cant find the fight or motivation in me anymore for anything. I tried the freedom programme and hated how they tried to paint men as either a 'bully' or 'friend' it all felt very in your face and overly sexist. I have given myself countless chances to prove to myself I can do better, find better but everytime I end up from one abusive relationship to the next. People constantly hurt me. I have no friends, I've never been important to anyone. For some reason no matter how hard I try with people I'm never a significant role in their life, and they drop me without reason. Its started to play on my mind that I will end up alone like my dad. He always blamed me for having friends that let me down despite the amount of effort I put in with people and for along time I tried to reason with myself I'm not at fault for peoples actions but now I'm starting to think it must be true. Either that or the people that enter my life are toxic and end up hurting me. I had only left a controlling relationship last year and after that wanted to stay single and work on myself and freedom but my current bf came along and here I am now. I dont know what I'm doing wrong. I used to be so social, I used to have a life. Now I dont go out, dont see people and just cant be bothered to force it anymore. I'm quite happy to stay unhappy and continue wasting my life alone. I cant find any outlet or jobs with the new current situation. And I dont know why but for some stupid reason I allowed my bf to have sex with me unprotected and now I haven't had my period. I'm scared but too tired to be scared. I couldnt go get the morning after pill without anyone questioning me due to the lockdown so now I'm just sitting on a ticking time bomb. I dont understand what's going on with me anymore. I just dont care about anything, or myself. I can only hope I'm not pregnant again. I'm sorry for not taking on anyone's advice and I'm thankful for it. I really did intend to better myself but I just cant right now. It did make me feel better reaching out even if it was only temporary.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 30/03/2020 04:10

I'm quite happy to stay unhappy and continue wasting my life alone ... I really did intend to better myself but I just cant right now

I am sorry add to hear what is happening to you. You clearly are very depressed, so that is the first thing you need to sort out. Arrange a telephone appointment with your GP and insist on a prescription for an antidepressant. Believe me, this WILL change your outlook and allow you to focus on what you need to do.

Obviously mention your pregnancy fears to the GP and discuss your options. Going ahead with it wouldn't be a sensible option, so plan ahead.

And then you have to focus on the difficult task of your Project Me. The advice you were given is still here. Make a list, start keeping a diary, and do it: one chunk at a time. Don't look to others for bringing you happiness. Life doesn't work that way. But if you focus on yourself and your non-needy needs, if you value and respect yourself, you will thrive.

“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2020 04:31

Don't be too hard on yourself, you've made some choices, but you need to focus on the future. Think about whether you really want to have a baby and whether you can provide what a child needs. Talk to your gp as soon as possible. Dump the boyfriend, please dump the boyfriend, he's a loser and he's not good for you at all. Look into staying with your friend or your Mum or anywhere but with him.

Dee96 · 30/03/2020 15:57

@FlowerArranger I've started to read a woman who loves too much and I've got to say it's so eye opening. I found myself able to resonate with most of the ladies experiences in the book. It was like a wake up call, I'm only a short way in and ready filled with lots of emotions from the similarities we all seem to go through. I've always hated to admit it, but I thought I was better than my upbringing but I guess whether I like it or not my dysfunctional family has played a huge role in my life at the present. I strived so much to not be like my mum and yet somehow inevitably ended up being in her exact same position. I guess I've attracted so many abusive partners because unlike where as someone else with a healthy perspective of love would of walked away from them at the first red flag I stay, and continue to allow the mistreatment to happen until it spirals out of control. But now I realise it, i feel so helpless. Now what? Where do I go? I'm currently camping out at my bfs due to the lockdown, but I dont want to go back home and be susceptible to my dads abuse. I will never be able to truly heal in either environments. Obviously I'm not working, and have no income. So what are my options? I dont have alot of family to rely on, all of my sisters that have their own places are over crowded with my nephews and nieces. I know I'm more than welcome to live with them but it's not realistic. I could stay with my aunty and uncle but they live hours away down south. I'd be away from everyone. I'd miss my mum terribley. I also could be pregnant, to which at this point I've already made my mind up that if I am (which hopefully I'm not) I'm going to keep the child this time without my bf in my life. I will raise the child right, give it what my parents didnt give to me and i dont need to have a loving spouse to do that because to be honest i dont know if that man exists for me and I'm over trying to find out. So where can i go from here?

OP posts:
Dee96 · 31/03/2020 00:07

@Shoxfordian my mum lives with my dad. I really have no where to go. I've already decided from the moment that my previous abortion took place if I ever got pregnant I would not put myself through that torture again, I also made this clear to my bf. I dont have the mental strength to live that through. So if I am pregnant I will not be listening to anyone, that was my mistake last time and I will never truly know if I made the decision of termination for myself or for others or perhaps both. But I did it based on circumstances, that changed weeks after. So i will be strong headed, and get on with life. I will find a way to provide for the baby as many others have done and continue to do. As for my bf I really know what I must do, but I need some strength first. I dont think it will happen immediately because I am entirely alone in this, and need to be prepared to come out of it alone. Its mentally exhausting having to pick yourself up from the mess other people cause you. But I promise myself I will do it. Just need to get more motivated and remind myself I'm worth something

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 31/03/2020 01:02

Dee... I'm sorry, but you will have to be realistic Flowers.

I could stay with my aunty and uncle but they live hours away down south. I'd be away from everyone. I'd miss my mum terribley. I also could be pregnant, to which at this point I've already made my mind up that if I am (which hopefully I'm not) I'm going to keep the child this time without my bf in my life. I will raise the child right, give it what my parents didnt give to me

You have no job, nowhere to live, and you are emotionally exhausted from the abuse you have suffered. You are in no position to raise a child! Not now. You have neither the practical nor the mental resources that this requires. Right now you need to focus on PROJECT ME.

You say that you are hoping that you are not pregnant. Listen to this voice, your sensible, rational voice, not the emotional, dreaming voice.

Go and stay with your aunt and uncle. Find a job. Do the work you need to do to become strong enough to really be you.

And don't just remind yourself that you are worth something. Realise that you are worth EVERYTHING to yourself. You can do this!

Dee96 · 01/04/2020 11:32

@FlowerArranger I took a test last night and it came up positive. Crazy because it was totally unexpected, we was taking precautions. I think I'm about 5 weeks along. In all honesty as I said I dont think I can mentally survive another abortion but at the same time, when I was first pregnant I was shaking crying shocked, and with this I feel nothing but shame and disappointment. I just sat on the bathroom floor staring at the two lines. I know they're currently doing abortions at home due to the lockdown however how am I meant to go through with that discreetly without anyone figuring out. My last abortion my body reacted terribly too, within 5 minutes, maybe not even that, of inserting the tablets I was in the worst pain of my life. I'm scared to go through that again, and scared that as much as I'm sure I dont want this baby I'll go through with it all to end up regretting it like the last. It's just such a shit situation and I dont know how long I can hide it for.

OP posts:
Holothane · 01/04/2020 11:35

Get out now get rid he’ll ruin your life in fact he’s already doing so.

FlowerArranger · 01/04/2020 12:11

I'm so sorry. Are you still with your abuser?

Please get those tablets/pessaries. Either via your GP or a clinic. In fact I would urge to call Marie Stopes right now and ask for their advice:

www.mariestopes.org.uk/abortion-services/medical-abortion/

It may be best for you to go and stay with your aunt and uncle and do the procedure there.

You can do this. You will feel so relieved, and with the relief will come strength, and with the strength comes to power to go forward with your life. Flowers

Dee96 · 01/04/2020 13:26

@FlowerArranger I cant get to my aunt and uncles. My country is on lockdown and they live 4 hours away. I cant have an abortion here so I'm stuck. At this point I dont even know what to do with myself. I think I'm in major denial about this pregnancy, I cant wrap my head around this it's like a nightmare. I need to clear my head and be able to think straight. I really dont want to reach out to my mum she will be so disappointed but I think I need to. I cant do this alone corned with my bf. I am still with him as were in quarantine and are not allowed to leave even for shopping. I was lucky to get a test I had to lie and say I was going for a walk.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 01/04/2020 15:05

Are you not in the UK? Call whatever abortion help charity or clinic is available in your country. Worst come to worst, go to A&E and tell them you cannot cope with your pregnancy due to mental health issue. Which wouldn't be a lie.

I hope you can summon all your strength and take action. You know that ignoring it will only make it much, much worse. Look after yourself Flowers

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