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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an okay way to talk to your partner?

44 replies

serendipity909 · 15/03/2020 17:32

My husband and I have only been married since last year and only living together for about a year and a half.

We have (Amongst other issues) very different views on how we should talk to each other. I do not swear (I don't like other people swearing especially but accept that sometimes they will-As long as it's not aimed at me) And I am not confrontational, and pretty laid back about most things. I can be quite sensitive but I feel like it is something I have improved on and am more able to handle normal amounts of conflict.

We have had some quite bad fights especially since living together as he would raise his voice at me and swear at me occasionally. I repeatedly told him this was not okay and a deal breaker for me and he has mostly improved on this.
What I have found now though is he still manages to speak to me with a lot of hostility and in a quite accusatory tone (If that makes sense, apparently it doesn't make sense to him...).

The most recent example was he surprised me by coming home early. Before I came home I had been to the supermarket to get a few items and on the drive home I realised I forgot to buy something I knew we were low on. When I got home I said 'oh sorry I forgot to get that and I was going to ask you to on your way home but since you're already here, I'll get it tomorrow'.

He then goes off on one about how I could only have realised I'd forgotten it in two places i.e at the store or at home, and since he was already home when I got back it couldn't have been there! and if I was at the store still why didn't I go back for it etc.

I was trying to interject with it was whilst I was on my way home when I thought of it. He repeatedly made his point and I chose to stay quiet as I knew that a big fight would start if I said much more.

He says I am unreasonable as he no longer swears/yells but any conversations we about these kinds of little issues I tell him he is talking to me in a slightly hostile way and he does not agree.
Last time my friend was actually with me (But in the other room) and today she said to me that she didn't like the way that he was talking to me (This was unprompted).
I appreciate this is hard to explain as sometimes where someones 'tone' or demeanour/facial expression are involved you kind of need to be there. I am just trying to salvage our relationship but I can't live a life being spoken to like this.

Maybe I am just too sensitive?

OP posts:

12345kbm · 15/03/2020 17:49

No you're not too sensitive. It's really not ok for people to shout and swear at you.

Who does he think you are? Staff?

I suggest you look into splitting up as this is going to get a lot worse OP.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/03/2020 17:54

He sounds like a complete prick to be honest. Why does he think it's ok to try to belittle you? It's not.

Fairycake2 · 15/03/2020 18:01

He sounds like a dick! I would not tolerate being spoken to like that

CorianderLord · 15/03/2020 21:18

While I believe the swearing thing is a bit wet blanket it's unacceptable that he'd blow up at you for no reason.

Do you feel you two know each other well? 18months isn't very long and it seems like if you're already having to work so hard in a marriage that you might not be right for each other/ be compatible. He also may be an abusive arsehole.

NoMoreDickheads · 15/03/2020 21:33

As with almost always, when women ask on these boards 'Is it ok for...' -no, it ain't. You're not happy with it, or you wouldn't be asking. We think it's not ok, and your friend did too. xxx

@CorianderLord Swearing can be intimidating/aggressive.

UsernameUnknownn · 15/03/2020 21:37

You're not being sensitive about it.
But he doesn't sound very nice and you don't need to see someone's facial expressions it's all about the tone of the voice.
I worry that you feel like you can't say anything back for fear of getting him angry. That's a red flag.

Butterfly84 · 15/03/2020 21:50

He unnecessarily made a big thing about a mundane and perfectly okay remark. Analysing you and telling you when this thought popped into your head...wtf? He is weird and nasty OP.

Anothernick · 15/03/2020 23:12

Getting angry because you forgot something in the supermarket is OOO. Sounds like he has serious anger management issues. I would not swear at my DW in any circumstances. She has sworn at me perhaps 10 times in 30 years, I hate it but I think it's worse for a man to do it to a woman because he is almost always physically stronger and swearing has overtones of a physical threat.

I agree with other posters, your relationship sounds weak and you need to consider if you are genuinely compatible. If you cannot agree on language then this must be in serious doubt.

BoredOfTheBoard · 16/03/2020 05:56

So he throws a tantrum if you're not perfect. Is he perfect?

SummerWhisper · 16/03/2020 06:53

Don't waste your lovely life on an unlovely man.

conduitoffortune · 16/03/2020 07:01

After wasting the best years of my life on men like this I have realised this:

they do not change for the better
they get worse the longer that you stay with them for
this 'type' all do and say the same things
nothing you do or say will make and difference to the way they treat you. Crying, shouting back, ultimatums, tying yourself in knots trying to please them

I have no tolerance for this shit now. No man would speak to me like this more than once.

LovingLola · 16/03/2020 07:03

Don’t get pregnant
Consider if you want to continue your marriage

Lllot5 · 16/03/2020 07:07

He sounds a prick. But you need to stand up for yourself, not just tie yourself in knots trying not to make him angry.
Tell him to fuck off. See how he likes it.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2020 07:12

I have been married a long time, and my husband has never spoken to me like that. Not once. Your relationship sounds dreadful. It is not normal, it is not acceptable, and it will only get worse. The way he treats you is so awful your friend felt compelled to tell you. Please listen and get rid.

Bluewater1 · 16/03/2020 07:16

I don't like the sound of this OP. A friend saying they don't like how he spoke to you is a very clear indicator. Do listen to her. It's not ok

RantyAnty · 16/03/2020 07:17

Cut your losses. This never gets any better.

lazylinguist · 16/03/2020 07:17

He is an unpleasant bully. What on earth was his justification for quizzing and berating you about precisely where you were when you forgot the item from the supermarket?! I mean - what kind of weirdo strops about something like that? I'd be making plans to leave, tbh.

KellyHall · 16/03/2020 07:22

Don't try not to upset him, he is responsible for his behaviour, not you.

If he won't accept that he's being a horrible person to you and treat you how you deserve, you need to at least admit it to yourself and get yourself away from him.

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2020 07:23

He doesn't sound like a good person for you to be around

Flagg · 16/03/2020 07:26

I repeatedly told him this was not okay and a deal breaker for me

Do you see the irony here, OP?

You were in fact repeatedly saying that you would tolerate abuse and had no red lines.

Don't waste any more of your life on this piece of shit.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/03/2020 00:50

Sounds like my sisters husband, and I have spent the last 20 years trying to convince her to leave the abusive shit head.

FlowerArranger · 17/03/2020 03:41

A year and a half and you are already walking on eggshells?

And you say you have other issues? What are those?

Actually, it doesn't matter. The behaviour you described is enough. He is showing you who he is - believe him. This is such a fundamental character flaw. It will poison your relationship.

Honeybee85 · 17/03/2020 03:53

Sounds like my ex.
Deliberately picking fights over silly small things that ended in him swearing and shouting at me whilst I was feeling confused, trying to understand what happened that suddenly someone was behaving to me in such a nasty way.

It won’t get better.

thirdpassport · 17/03/2020 06:50

As a PP said, don’t get pregnant. Don’t let anything tie you to this man and walk away now. I’ve got friends who have had verbally abusive spouses (and worse). They don’t change for the better, believe me.

Original poster

serendipity909 · 17/03/2020 08:56

Thank you for the advice everyone. We had a big row whilst we were out yesterday, we got home and we came very close to ending our marriage.

I felt quite sure that it was the right thing to do, but he tried talking me round for so long, that by the time he was saying 'I'll go if you want though', that I had started questioning life without him.
I feel so much guilt for making him leave. When he is nice, things are good, but I know for a fact we will be back to square one inside a week - Why do I keep going along with this.

Every time we have a day off together and try to do something he ends up spoiling it. Yesterday we were discussing something and he used it as another excuse to go on a big tirade about how much he dislikes my brother and then got mad that he says I should be grateful that he makes an effort to get on with him when we're all together.
I said that I do appreciate that he makes an effort in person and feel I verbalise this enough, but I have repeatedly asked him not to say nasty things about him to me as well. I am quite close to my brother and have a very very small family compared to him so it is hard to hear. They have never actually had a row it is just a case of my husband not agreeing with my brother on anything.

He has done this to such a degree in the past that I've sat through a play on the edge of bursting into tears. Ironically we went to the play as I'd just lost my much loved Grandfather and it was meant to be something nice and positive to do. This was before we were even married and looking back I am furious I didn't just walk out and leave him then.

I am so torn between doing something that I feel is best for both of us- I don't genuinely believe he is even happy with me. But I can't bear to see him upset.

OP posts:

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