Is this an okay way to talk to your partner?

[serendipity909]

My husband and I have only been married since last year and only living together for about a year and a half.

We have (Amongst other issues) very different views on how we should talk to each other. I do not swear (I don't like other people swearing especially but accept that sometimes they will-As long as it's not aimed at me) And I am not confrontational, and pretty laid back about most things. I can be quite sensitive but I feel like it is something I have improved on and am more able to handle normal amounts of conflict.

We have had some quite bad fights especially since living together as he would raise his voice at me and swear at me occasionally. I repeatedly told him this was not okay and a deal breaker for me and he has mostly improved on this.
What I have found now though is he still manages to speak to me with a lot of hostility and in a quite accusatory tone (If that makes sense, apparently it doesn't make sense to him...).

The most recent example was he surprised me by coming home early. Before I came home I had been to the supermarket to get a few items and on the drive home I realised I forgot to buy something I knew we were low on. When I got home I said 'oh sorry I forgot to get that and I was going to ask you to on your way home but since you're already here, I'll get it tomorrow'.

He then goes off on one about how I could only have realised I'd forgotten it in two places i.e at the store or at home, and since he was already home when I got back it couldn't have been there! and if I was at the store still why didn't I go back for it etc.

I was trying to interject with it was whilst I was on my way home when I thought of it. He repeatedly made his point and I chose to stay quiet as I knew that a big fight would start if I said much more.

He says I am unreasonable as he no longer swears/yells but any conversations we about these kinds of little issues I tell him he is talking to me in a slightly hostile way and he does not agree.
Last time my friend was actually with me (But in the other room) and today she said to me that she didn't like the way that he was talking to me (This was unprompted).
I appreciate this is hard to explain as sometimes where someones 'tone' or demeanour/facial expression are involved you kind of need to be there. I am just trying to salvage our relationship but I can't live a life being spoken to like this.

Maybe I am just too sensitive?

People only treat you in the way they are allowed to.

You're letting him walk all over you.

Loving someone doesn't = being their doormat. And if he loved you, he wouldn't be doing it.

It really is that simple.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have received some excellent advice on this thread, I really think you should take note of it.

Things won't get better with this man.

Life is too short to live like this.

Things will only get worse over time.

Get out now whilst you can and move on.

You are both unhappy so just call it quits.

I know all this is easier said than done but please don't waste any more of your time and energy.

Plus the 'I can't bear to see him upset' part of your last post........ But he can bear to see you upset. Ask yourself why are your feelings less important than his?

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Primarily about physical abuse but covers all kinds of abusive behaviour very well. Esp the "abuser profiles" part.

Why do I keep going along with this.

This ^ , this is a very good question.

But I can't bear to see him upset.

Really? Now matter how horrible he is to you? No matter how often he spoils days out?

What would you say if a daughter, sister for friend asked you this same question?

You can't bear to see him upset? I don't understand this, It's fine for him to upset you and ruin occasions?

Are you staying with him for some other reason like a home, money reasons? If so I'd be making plans swiftly.

I hate swearing too OP. I don’t do it, and I detest being sworn at....its nothing to do with being a ‘wet blanket’ I don’t have any experience of what you’re going through, but I’d definitely not put up with that....I’d leave.

Well for a start he's either not very bright, or he's being purposely obtuse, because he claims not to understand very much doesn't he.
I wouldn't bother trying to salvage your relationship. Get divorced, be happy.

It's not ok, my ex would speak like that, like I was a dog or employee. I put it down to his military background. I see lots of couples where the women are treated well and I wanted that. You should want the same. It's not a lot to ask.

I think the swearing is a red herring. Whether you're fine with swearing or conflict or not, it's completely bizarre that he would have an issue with exactly when and where you forgot to buy something? So if he's having a go, that screams that he's trying to keep you off balance. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

It looks like he is trying to isolate you from your family, too (his comments about your brother)

You need to end your relationship, he is not a good person.

The lack of respect here is astounding
It also sounds like he's trying to isolate you from family, does he also dislike or find fault with your close friends. My bet is yes.

It's so much better to have wasted 18 months, plus however long (clearly not that long!!) that you've been togheter, than waste a lifetime.

PLEASE leave him. You know what he is like, now. You know what kind of person he is 'at the core'. An aggressive, shouty, confrontational, not very nice one.

It's not great to have to end a marriage but oh boy will you regret it if you don't. Do it now, before you have children and are tied to this idiot for life.

There isn't any reasoning with people like this, you know. Just trawl a few of the threads on here written by poor people who've spent a life trying to appease/educate/threaten to leave twats like this. THEY DON'T CHANGE. They pretend to change when they think you might leave, but quickly revert. They think it's fine to shout, belittle, tease, intimidate, control, threaten. They like being like that.

Don't stay and waste your life when you could be happy. And don't waste precious time when you could be building a new life and family with someone NICE.

This was before we were even married and looking back I am furious I didn't just walk out and leave him then

So do it NOW........cos he's not going to change.
So far you're all talk and no action so he will carry on walking all over you.
You tell him that you have respect for yourself and healthy self-esteem and that's why you won't tolerate his behaviour......and in the next breath you CHOOSE to put his feelings above your own!

Make your mind up - either you deserve to be treated this way or you don't.
Which is it?
He isn't going to change so how long do you want to be his verbal punchbag?

So we had another disagreement last night and I asked him to leave. He kept trying to persuade me and ended up going this morning.
I kept trying to remember why I was doing it and that in a way his behaviour is an act as he's only like it when he could lose me.

He has said he wants to talk at the weekend so I just need to try and keep strong with my decision. I feel horrible and heartbroken but I think I would if I stayed with him too.

He can tell you he wants to talk, but it doesn't mean you have to agree, particularly if you know that you'll be easily persuaded.

I wonder why you are so upset when he gets upset. He is being horrible to you. If someone in the street treated you like that, would you be upset at telling them to fuck off?

Look OP,

If you are that worried about him - then look at it this way. You don't make him happy. He's in the habit of being with you, so he doesn't want it to end, but he treats you like he hates you, and he is clearly massively annoyed by you in general.

Put your big girl pants on and let him go and find someone who meets his requirements. He's made it clear that you don't.

He can argue until the cows come home, but his actions clearly demonstrate he's unhappy with you and no matter how you try, you can't seem to be what he wants you to be. Call his bluff - do the right thing for him, if he won't do it for himself. End it.

Relationships aren't meant to be this difficult love. It's meant to be easy. Go and find someone with whom it's easy x

He is an abuser OP, he will always be an abuser. When he is found out he pretends he is not an abuser for a while, but because he is an abuser, he starts to be abusive again. Move on OP. Save yourself.

Oh OP, that sounds awful. You don't have to talk to him.