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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce

43 replies

Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 00:13

Please help! I dont know where to turn.
My husband hasnt been himself for a few months.
We are first time buyers and have been desperately waiting to buy a house for years. Saving hard etc. We finally put an offer on a house yesterday and he immediately starts acting totally weird and out of character.
He was talking about divorce almost immediately after hearing our offer was accepted. He has mentioned divorce a few times over the last few weeks.
I went to a friends house tonight and come home and hes completely drunk.
He admitted he has feelings for someone else but swears he hasnt done anything.
He says we should still go through with he house buy he just wont live with us anymore.
What do I do?
I want this house. My children want this house. I thought he did too. I need to house my children.
How messy could this get?

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 15/03/2020 00:26

OP he has feelings for someone else. I wouldn't believe him that he hasn't done anything.

If it were me I would pull out of the house purchase. No point committing to something financially when he's making it very clear he's not committed to you.

Flowers
Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 00:34

I know! Our marriage isnt perfect. What hes done isnt even my main concern.
I cant afford to buy a house on my own. He seems convinced he wants to house our children. I guess that's his legal responsibility though? Or not?
Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 15/03/2020 00:38

Someone else will hopefully be along soon with better advice than me (I've never married nor had children!). However if you buy an asset together i.e. the house then that may have to be sold in the event of divorce anyway. Are you renting now?

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 00:40

We live rent free at the moment so dont pay rent at the moment. The amount to rent a house is more than the mortgage would be! This agreement is coming to an end in the next few months so we need to leave where we are soon

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 15/03/2020 00:46

Rent is always more than mortgage payments. But if you factor in the costs of buying a house (solicitors etc) and potentially having the same costs again if you're forced to sell if you split, plus uprooting the children in say a year's time, you really need to seriously consider the implications of buying a house with a man who has already told you he wants a divorce!

I've read enough threads on here to know that promises made at this stage mean nothing later, and men frequently turn nasty.

You haven't actually said whether you want a divorce, your focus has purely been on the house. At the very least I would be pulling out of the house purchase, saving everything you can as you're not paying rent yet, go to counselling with him (if he's willing) and rent for 6 months while you find somewhere else.

But in your position after hearing that he had feelings for someone else and was showing a distinct lack of commitment to me and the house, I wouldn't even bother with the above.

Weenurse · 15/03/2020 00:46

Proceed with the house purchase as if you were divorcing.
Can you afford it on your own?
What financial support would he provide?
What are his plans?
Does he feel by housing you, it alleviates his guilt to a certain extent?
Good luck

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 00:54

Thanks both.
Yes I truly suspect he is alleviating his guilt.
I can afford the mortgage repayments on my own. If we were already owning the house it wouldn't be a problem I guess. Well it would but less of a problem.
As far as I'm concerned our marriage is over. He hasnt been great the past few years and this is the final straw for me.
My concern now is my children. Only my children!
It's really weird the way hes been recently. He has mentioned divorce a lot over the past few weeks. At one stage he insinuated he wouldn't pay his fair share of maintenance.....! But with my wages and a bit of a benefits top up potentially I could afford it on my own. But presumably I cant do this from the beginning on my own due to the way you need your earnings calculated for a mortgage etc?

OP posts:
probablysue · 15/03/2020 03:47

He’s cheated, sorry. You don’t mention divorce because you just have feelings for somebody else. He’s in a relationship with somebody else. It’s pointless carrying on with the house purchase. He could force a sale with a divorce! Where’s he planning to live after the divorce? He could be planning to stay in the house you but. This could get very messy. You need to keep hold of any cash you have saved up. What kind of property are you buying? Can you downgrade to an apartment or similar so that you can buy it on your own? Can you extend your free rent property? Is it your family renting to you?

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 07:48

I could only really afford a shared ownership thing if it's based on earnings etc rather than affordability if that makes sense? I have no idea where idea he would live. Hes still asleep now. When I can home last night he was wasted so I assume hes still asleep in some hungover stupor

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 15/03/2020 08:40

@Ragdoll545... please don't do anything without competent legal advice. Buying a house and taking on a lot of debt is serious business. You don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire...

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 09:42

Ok
He woke up this morning blaming the fact he was drunk and didnt mean any of the things he said.
He then demanded half our savings.
I said he needs to leave even for a week. He wants to work at it I dont at the moment.
He keeps saying let's get the house it's a great opportunity and he wouldn't mess us about etc.

OP posts:
Leostar · 15/03/2020 09:59

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You cannot be buying a house. He is guilty and trying to make HIMSELF feel better by telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 10:33

Yeah hes definitely trying to guilt me. Saying it's our first blip. It's not. And it's pretty major.
Hes packing to go now! He reckons hes having a mid life crisis and feels suicidal. Hes spoken to his mum. I think hes going there.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 15/03/2020 11:47

Demanding half the savings? You can see where this is going to go... Whatever you do, safeguard your interests and don't do anything irreversible without seeing a family solicitor first.

Knowledge is power, but he has probably been thinking about divorce for a while, so he is ahead of you.

You need to catch up and sort those ducks:
Wikivorce
Book about divorce, especially re. division of assets
Collect and copy all financial documentation, including P60s and pension statements
Seek legal advice.

And look after yourself. Shore up your support network. See a counsellir if you need to unload. Eat healthily and limit booze. Exercise. Don't be afraid of taking an antidepressant if you think it'll help - they can be a useful crutch.

Kindpotato · 15/03/2020 11:59

I'm sorry you're going through this. Take the time while he is away to think about what you want from this situation. What are your priorities and how can you make sure you and your kids are okay.
Good luck x

San1809 · 15/03/2020 12:15

I would definately pull out unless tge house was solely going in your name and you alone could afford the mortgage payments and his only involvement was the deposit otherwise you could find in a couple of years later he wants 1/2 tge house or if you want to sell and move he would have to agree. No marriage is perfect but does he want to leave you for this other woman or will this other woman want him when he’s not in a relationship and do you still love him and want him and not just for the children. Sorry lots of questions. Do what’s best for you and your children it may be difficult at the beginning but in the long run you will feel reborn. I’m here if you want to talk

millymollymoomoo · 15/03/2020 12:51

I definitely would not proceed
Take some time to talk and figure out whatever is going on
You do not want to be financially trapped in a mortgage and debt with him at the moment

user1497997754 · 15/03/2020 13:40

Withdraw all of the savings and open up a sole account in your name protect you and your children

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/03/2020 14:13

Did he say why he wanted half the savings? Was it going to be in lieu of a divorce paymanet? Or did he just want to take the money, blow it, and then, in the event of divorce, claim half of the other half of the savings?

You need legal advice. Do NOT believe a word he says right now. All this 'I'll pay for x and y, I'll make sure the children are all right...' it goes right out of the window once they are free and clear.

San1809 · 15/03/2020 14:26

You definately need advice. U can get legal advice for free and then you can decide where to go from there

Musti · 15/03/2020 14:35

If you can definitely afford the house on your own (mortgage, upkeep, council tax and other bills) then buy it whilst he still feels guilty. Don't give him half the savings though. But before making any decisions, seek legal advice

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 15:19

Thanks all! I've been reading your replies just not chance to reply
The savings are all in my name anyway so no worries there. He wanted it for somewhere to live
Hes been calling me today and messaging saying he loves me and hes done nothing wrong and I need to trust him and we need to work on it
But I dont want to.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 15/03/2020 15:23

I'm not fucking surprised, blimey!

He's definitely been playing away.

Original poster
Ragdoll545 · 15/03/2020 15:29

That's what I thought. Hes just been so fixated with divorce in recent weeks mentioning it often then making out o said it first. And talking about couple we know who have divorced and all this stuff.

OP posts:
Kit19 · 15/03/2020 15:38

OP get legal advice and protect your assets and definutely dont buy the house

he's a headfuck - dont let him back into your life

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