Why long term partner doesn't want to get married ?

[mummy390000]

I've been with him 15 years since school. We have 2 kids and 1 on the way and he's told me tonight that he will never ask me to marry him because it's just a piece of paper according to him.

I'm gutted as it's something I've always wanted and believe in most importantly. My parents are married all my siblings are married (I'm the last one) so it's something that we have been brought up to do when in a serious relationship.

I understand there are some people who do not believe in it but it's important to me.

And this isn't a reason I want to get married more because it's a core value of mine but close friends are getting married now and it's starting to hurt more and more.

What do I do ?

If it is just a piece of paper then it won't matter if he does get married. Book the registry office.

Without knowing anything about your finances it sounds like a fabulous way for him to be able to shirk financial responsibility if he ups and leaves.

Of course he might have no intention of doing but if he did are you financially vulnerable?

Continue working FT and don’t make any work compromises your DP doesn’t.

Men who say this know full well the legal and financial implications of marriage and very often just don’t want to share their financial assets in the event of divorce.

You are of course giving the baby your last name, right? Birth certificate is just a piece of paper as well..

Civil partnership then.

If it’s just a piece of paper and if it matters to you then why not go to the registry office - doesn’t have to be a big wedding. It does make a difference to a few things - at the moment you’re not protected in terms of inheritance tax and you’re not each other’s next of kin.

But in the meantime Make sure you’ve got half of all the assets and do not give up your job or go part time.

15 years together and this is the first time you have discussed marriage with each other? As others have said he may very well be doing it from a financial prospective, all ways get married first before having children for the financial protection.

Another man who “doesn’t believe in marriage”!

Decent, loving men marry the mother of their children OP. They don’t make feeble excuses to shirk their responsibilities. He’s either protecting his money, or he’s keeping his options open.

What’s your work/financial situation?

I really wish women would stop having babies with men before marriage if getting married is important to them. He hasn’t any motivation to marry you now he has completed his family, infact if he’s the higher earner/ has assets in his name it’s in his interests not to be married to you in the event you split up.

Not a lot you can do really. Explain that legally its important for both of you. Issue an ultimatum? You'd have to be prepared to go through with it though x

How are you finances set up?
Do you work?
Whose name are savings in?
Whose name is your home in?

Also you said thay you have been brought up to believe marriage is something you do when a relationship is serious?

Why are you exeicting child number 3 with someone and this is only an issue now?

Just make sure you have your own job and own money.

My friends partner didnt see the point of a wedding. They have three kids. She insisted all their assets went into her name. This includes three houses.

Guess who wants to get married now, and booked it for next month?

Do you work full time op?
Do you own your house and both on the mortgage and deeds?

...how has this not come up before, in 15 years!?

Then you need to make sure you haven't or do not continue to be financially reliant on him. If it were really important to you, you would not have 3 kids with this guy without having been married.

Yeah bit too late - like 3 kids too late to be getting upset about this now

You should have talked about this way before now

Not helpful but if it’s so important to you, something you grew up wanting, why on earth did you carry on unmarried for 15 years and decide to have 3 children with him?

He knows exactly what the piece of paper means. It’s an important level contract. Would he burn a £50 note, passport, deeds to a house, birth certificate which are similar types of pieces of paper?

Quite clearly he’s not going to marry you and knows he doesn’t have to because it doesn’t mean that much to you.

The sheer number of women who claim marriage means something to them who have one or more children and only then try and talk their partner into it is just staggering. It’s too late now! There’s nothing traditional about having sex, living together or having babies before getting married. You can’t have it both ways.

Ugh! As always on these threads -

If it’s “just a piece of paper” he won’t mind doing it because it’s important to YOU op!

Except he won’t - because that’s NOT what he really believes anyway. I’d bet good money.

It makes a massive difference not only in the event of you splitting it also provided security for you and dc especially if you are the lower/a non earner op if he the higher/only earner were to become incapacitated or even die.

I always on these threads tell the cautionary tale of my relative who’s partner died suddenly, she was a sahm, the house was in his name, no life assurance, no will. She and the dc had to leave the family home, she had to go back to full time work when the family were very much still grieving.

“You are of course giving the baby your last name, right? Birth certificate is just a piece of paper as well...” exactly!

Deeds to the house or rental agreement put in your name - after all just a piece of paper too! No? He doesn’t want to? Why not? It’s just a piece of paper after all!

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Basic but a start to informing yourself if you aren’t already aware.

In the meantime if you aren’t already, get as well paying a full time job as you can, some savings set aside in your sole name, have your own bank account with a completely separate bank to him.

Preferably if you can persuade him if he is the higher earner also a will, critical illness cover, life assurance, his work death in service benefits with you as named beneficiary.

If you’re earning too then you also need the above sorted in case it’s you becomes incapacitated or dies and he has to raise those babies alone.

Well it's probably already too late but, as an absolute minimum...

Give all the children your last name, after all, the birth certificate is "only a piece of paper", they r passport is "only a little book", and "it's only a name".

Go back to work full time and make sure he's doing 50% of childcare, drop offs, pick ups, taking the DC to after school activities, make sure he's taking 50% of the time off when the children are ill or need a parent with them and he needs to be paying 50% or childcare costs.

Go and see a solicitor and make sure you both have a will in place that protect each other and your children in the event of your deaths. Also power of attorney signed up to be registered if and when needed.

The sheer number of women who claim marriage means something to them who have one or more children and only then try and talk their partner into it is just staggering.

Or say they are old-fashioned or traditional but have several children to the unmarried partner, or that they cannot afford to get married because they want a big wedding rather than the real crux of it, the marriage, or are waiting for the man to propose (get fobbed off with his saying he wants to be traditional and propose) or with engagements with no wedding date in sight (the whole point of engagement is that it's temporary).

C'mon! If you want to get married, you make it a condition of continuing the relationship and walk the walk.

Have you spent the last 15 years waiting for him to propose without ever bringing it up? I don't understand how this is your first conversation about it?

What did he say when you told him it's important to you and you want to get married?

Will he get a civil partnership instead and if not why not?