Why long term partner doesn't want to get married ?

[mummy390000]

I've been with him 15 years since school. We have 2 kids and 1 on the way and he's told me tonight that he will never ask me to marry him because it's just a piece of paper according to him.

I'm gutted as it's something I've always wanted and believe in most importantly. My parents are married all my siblings are married (I'm the last one) so it's something that we have been brought up to do when in a serious relationship.

I understand there are some people who do not believe in it but it's important to me.

And this isn't a reason I want to get married more because it's a core value of mine but close friends are getting married now and it's starting to hurt more and more.

What do I do ?

Will he get a civil partnership instead and if not why not?

No point. That’s also just a piece of paper

"C'mon! If you want to get married, you make it a condition of continuing the relationship and walk the walk." Exactly!

I'm divorced now but when I met ex I was clear from beginning that when I was at point of settling down/moving in together it would only be if marriage was going to happen and children DEFINITELY wouldn't be happening without marriage.

And not because I'm religious or moralistic but because of what I'd seen re relative and also others mainly friends older sisters as they were the first people really to cohabit without it being "scandalous" (I'm 47, I think people often forget that cohabiting openly really only started to occur in the 80's and certainly wasn't the norm until late 90's) and I saw them getting screwed over when even planned pregnancies became a factor!

And while the divorce was tough and neither myself nor ex wealthy being married did make our split easier financially and meant he was called to account on some actions which he would've got away with had we not been married.

Surely this is something you discussed early on in your relationship? I’ve only been with my boyfriend 11 months, but he knew from very early in that to me a relationship means eventually moving in together and getting married. If we weren’t on the same page the relationship wouldn’t have been able to progress.

If you wanted to get married before children why did you have three without getting married?

Men who say this know full well the legal and financial implications of marriage and very often just don’t want to share their financial assets in the event of divorce

This. He’s happy for you to take the financial hit in terms of career breaks, part time working and days off for sick kids etc. He doesn’t care how much it’s affected your earnings and pension because it’s not affecting him.

If it’s just a piece of paper then there’s no reason why he wouldn’t do it to make you, the women he supposedly loves, happy.

You're too late in asking him. You've provided two children, soon to be three. It's not that he doesn't think marriage is important, he just doesn't want to marry you.

Guaranteed if you left him, he'd have a new woman quickly and marry her in months or a year.

An ultimatum is unlikely to work now. And I doubt the kids names have your surname. Best you can do is change them if they aren't.

Not much you can do though. He is unlikely to ever marry you. If it means that much to you, you'll have to leave him.

Agreeing with everyone else. It’s silly to stay with someone 15 years and have 2/3 children without marriage and then expect it. It’s just not going to happen.

When men say they don’t want to get married, the ‘to you’ is silent.

@Koalaing

Strongly agree with that statement

Koalaing very true in most cases. Ditto "have children" too

So often people (usually men it must be said) sleepwalk into a "it'll do for now" relationship without fully thinking everything through and when the other person wants children/marriage they then panic as they know deep down they don't see that relationship as long term/permanent

I'm gutted as it's something I've always wanted and believe in most importantly
You obviously DON'T believe in it otherwise you would have insisted on marriage before continuing having children!
You obviously didn't WANT it that badly either!

As for those saying he's protecting his assets - maybe he is.
Maybe he's realised too late, just like the OP, what he REALLY wants from a partnership?
Maybe he's pissed off at having to be the main breadwinner and having to shoulder the full financial responsibilities constantly?

Maybe he would rather OP also worked and helped build up the 'assets' instead of expecting to be provided for?
Maybe HE didn't want more babies but OP conveniently had 'accidents'?

We're in 2020....no woman has the excuse of saying she didn't know about the financial implications of having babies and remaining unmarried.

Maybe OP should start thinking about taking on/contributing equally to the financial responsibility for the children she keeps having?
Men are NOT poverty eradicators for women!

Agree it can’t have been that much of a core value given you are on child number three whilst unmarried. If it was a deal breaker it would have been discussed from the start and you would have walked away when he didn’t want to.

His view is perfectly valid, no one should be forced into a marriage they don’t want. Neither do you have to do what all your friends are doing.

Candyfloss99 Sat 14-Mar-20 19:31:48
Just make sure you have your own job and own money.
.......
That.

Hold your head high, be an independent woman and let everyone think you don't care about official marriage.

PS: Don't become pregnant again!

It s fine if you are financially independent.
Are you?
Who owns the house?
What would happen if he left or died tomorrow?

What do you do? Accept that he doesn’t want to get married and that you chose to prioritise other things (having children etc) than getting married and by doing so, you have reduced your leverage.

The balls in and has always been in you court (it usually is when you’re the one who doesn’t want to maintain the status quo).

I suspect OP won't be back 🤣

Do you both work full time or is one of you part time / SAHP? If you both work will you share parental leave? Do you have roughly equal savings and pension pots? Are you joint owners or tenants of your home or is it in one person's name only? Do you both have life insurance and wills and is the other a beneficiary?

You can't make him marry you but you can insist on either marriage or making things more fair and equal in order to protect each other legally and financially. The likelihood is that you might be the one most in need of that protection. If he loves you he shouldn't want to keep you in a position where you at risk of losing your home and having a limited income in the event of separation or bereavement.

You can't make him marry you but you can insist on either marriage or making things more fair and equal in order to protect each other legally and financially

But how will she "insist"? If he doesn't want to marry her, its highly likely he'll have similar reasons for NOT making things "fair and equal ... legally and financially".

It probably suits him very well the way things are. You don't have any bargaining power left. He's got the career, the pension, the three lovely children and someone to do all the drudge work of bringing them up, no risk of handing over 50% of everything if he decides the grass is greener elsewhere. I can see exactly why marriage doesn't feature for him.

Well the point of insisting is that you have to be willing to walk away if they say no, which many people aren't!

The phrase ‘why would he buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free?’ comes to mind. What’s the benefit to him now? He’s got everything he wanted without having to commit to any of it!

You have very little leverage at this stage of the game, but your pregnancy gives you a tiny bit of power.

Tell him that you will be registering the child alone and giving him/her your surname - being unmarried gives you the right to do that. Or he can attend the registry office with you on X date for a quick-but-nicely-organised wedding. A promise of a big white do in two years time is worth fuck all to you OP, if you want to stand any chance of this happening you need to be married now before your baby arrives.

You will probably feel deeply uncomfortable saying this to him, but that is the kind of wake-up call both of you need.

To put it another way, if he fancied getting married next week, to Jill from accounts, he could do so without any reference to you whatsoever because he is a single man.

Unfortunately the stable door is wide open and two horses, so to speak, have already bolted through it.

WHY do women get pregnant before they get married?!

It makes you so vulnerable

When men say they don’t want to get married, the ‘to you’ is silent.

Harsh, harsh, harsh - and true.

Someone in our village had 3 children with a man. He left her for another woman - and was married in 2 months.

I don't think she will ever get over that. She was destroyed.

WHY do women get pregnant before they get married?! It makes you so vulnerable

This! If that wasn’t bad enough they are silly enough to have a second and then a third! Sometimes more! Mind boggling!!