How can I improve my terrible social skills? (adult)

[skittleboy]

I'm in my 20s and I am not shy or socially anxious as such I'm just so terrible at interacting with people especially in groups. Absolutely terrible, awful, awful, awful. I must come across as so boring and uninteresting.

If I'm with a group of six friends sat around a table everyone else is talking constantly, laughing joking and I'm just sat their awkwardly not saying a word, not sure where to look. And if everyone starts laughing at someones joke I will force a smile on my face so I don't look grumpy but it's so fake. It's horrible.

Sometimes during a night out I will sit there getting more and more frustrated at how inadequate I am and I have to leave early, go home and start throwing my things across the room and breaking them out of anger at how much of a failure I am.

I have no idea who to turn to for help. Probably because my problem doesn't exist, just with me. Everyone else is perfect.

The clique answer is 'just do more and you will improve'. People mean well when they say that but it just wont work. I go out all the time and it makes no difference.

What can I do?

Thank you

I have no idea who to turn to for help. Probably because my problem doesn't exist, just with me. Everyone else is perfect

You're honestly not alone. I have autistic traits (not full autism) and I'm crap, I say the wrong things, and tend to eventually fall out with people.

It might help you to get counselling/therapy, as it might help you get less wound up/feel like a failure (though I know and understand that feeling of course.)

I'm going to join some groups for people with autism (though I don't have full autism) because then everyone would be in a similar boat.

It's also good to go to groups whre you are interested in a subject/activity, rather than ones that are solely for socializing, and so the pressure's on.

For instance support groups for any experiences (I go to the Freedom Progrramme, mainly for my intellectual interest, and have found all the women there supportive. I also go along to groups to play Pokemon Go.)

I think we also do just have to keep practicing and eventually we'll make some friends. You mightn't feel it's helping, but without going out you'd probably be worse/develop social anxiety.

Which area are you based in? (PM if you prefer.) You might even find some mates on here.

Therapy has also meant I'm less bothered about it.

Best wishes. xxx

I feel like you sometimes, feel like I'm boring so I think nobody wants to hear what I have to say. After years of focussing solely on my career, kids and knob ex partner, my plan is to get some interests and hobbies for me, if I never experience new and varied things how can I be an interesting person to be around!

I will say, that you are probably not as bad as you think you are, the mind has a cruel way of amplifying self doubt if you're not feeling confident in yourself.

I tend to ask questions and take interest in conversations around me to join in, invite people to talk about themselves, most people love that. The more you do it, the more you learn about the people you see regularly. You get to learn what they like to chat about so you can find some common place, be it a sense of humour, subject matter, life situation etc. It takes some strength in yourself to keep fighting the feelings you describe when you're in a large group but force yourself to engage, maybe it would help to think of some interesting subjects you can bring up in conversation, a humourous perspective on a situation everyone comes across, a funny clip you've seen on social media that you can show, ask for advice on something you're planning to do etc. I'd also say, don't think you have to perform to a whole group, look for someone else a bit quieter and go engage with them, start a conversation and you might find others join in.

Be kind to yourself, everyone in this world has worth and a place.

I feel you OP, but I don't have any advice I'm afraid.
I have appalling low self confidence and feel like you do in groups.
It takes me months to open up to people and lightweight chit chat with acquaintances is so painful for me. I hate parties.

I found talking to people with a similar interest to me really helps overcome a mild social phobia. I have a mild hearing loss from childhood and noisy social gatherings are awful. I can't hear what people are saying if there is a noisy background, and find myself smiling and nodding without know what was said. I now don't go to this type of thing, but chat for ages to people at the gym or doing the same hobby as me.

If I'm with a group of six friends sat around a table everyone else is talking constantly, laughing joking and I'm just sat their awkwardly not saying a word, not sure where to look. And if everyone starts laughing at someones joke I will force a smile on my face so I don't look grumpy but it's so fake. It's horrible.

That sounds exactly like me. But I have social anxiety. Are you certain you don't? Have you spoken to any therapists about it?

I’m awful in big groups and do much better socially with just 1 or 2 other people, so I limit meeting up with lots of people to special events/birthdays etc. How are you with smaller gatherings?

Social skills don't come naturally to everyone, but they can definitely be learned. I was always awkward and silent and cursing myself for being such a boring plank of wood in company, but now I can converse with mostly anyone (if I met the Queen I might slip into selective mutism, but I think that's a normal reaction!).

There are books about how to talk to people: How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Charisma Myth are two that I liked. There are lots more too. Aspergirls by Rudy Simone might help if you believe you're on the autistic spectrum, it certainly opened my eyes to how I interacted, and why the world seemed such a confusing place.

Therapy also helped because it gave me actual feedback about my social skills. Friends might say 'you're fine!' But a therapist will be honest and help you learn the things you need to know.

You say that you go out all the time, but if you don't know how to interact, it's a wasted effort; like trying to play a trumpet when you've never played an instrument before. You wouldn't be able to figure out how to read music by yourself or what the notes are called or how hard to blow, so you'd just be making weird noise and getting frustrated with yourself. Nobody would expect you to be able to play an instrument under those circumstances; socialising is no different. Once you've read the books and had therapy you can practice what they suggest and see what works for you, what people seemed to react well to and how you feel most comfortable behaving. Eventually you will find a communication style that feels natural for you.

The most important thing is confidence, and you will build this by having more successful interactions. Once you stop being self conscious then everything will fall into place, but that's a process and doesn't happen overnight. Be kind to yourself, you are your own worst critic, other people are nowhere near as critical of you as you are of yourself.

Good luck fellow awkward person

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Not joking, it really helps outline the 'how' of interacting.

Then, you know the thoughts in your head? When Polly says X and it reminds you of what happened in your day/sparks a thought?

Just say it. That is conversation! Don't hang too much on the outcome [if they don't listen that means I am shit and boring]. Not true. It doesn't define you.

Improving social skills is not just a skill, it's a project

Start by googling and see what comes up, including YouTube podcasts. Key things, based on my own experience, include:

Advance preparation! Don't just meet up with people and hope for the best. You need to do some homework. General homework means reading quality newspapers and books that are being talked about, listening to Radio 4, and then making a list of topics that interest you and which you think would be of interest to your friends as well.

Also, write about events you have attended and how you feel about these. The key is to have something to talk about which is likely to resonate with people - but to remember that you aim to create a dialogue, i.e. your initial spiel should be fairly brief and open-ended. You want to start a conversation rather than dominate it and bore people.

But you also want to focus on and relate specifically to your friends. Start by thinking back to your last few meetings. What did they talk about, who said what, what topics are potentially of interest to you. Write down your thoughts about each of your friends. Who are they, what are their interests, how are their lives, what makes them tick, et cetera. Next time you meet, ask them about something personal that they talked about previously, especially if it is something positive something they were looking forward to.

And always remember: people LOVE to talk about themselves and their own interests. So give them the opportunity to do so . On the other hand, others get bored quite easily if they have to listen to an endless, detailed monologue about anything, but particularly something they cannot relate to.

The second important thing to remember: everyone is battling demons that you cannot possibly know about. Your worries and feelings of inadequacy are not unique. EVERYONE is scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. EVERYONE wonders why can't I be self-assured, confident, bright, witty, slim, attractive, sexy, intelligent, the bees knees.......... like A, B and C.

Finally, never be afraid of making a fool of yourself. Just don't. As long as you are being genuine and not selfish or overbearing, you WILL be forgiven .

I live in Somerset.

@Bookworm83 I'm not certain I don't have social anxiety. I don't get really scared of social situations I just suck at them. Maybe I don't fully understand what it means.

Going back to your example of the joke OP.

What is the problem there exactly?

1. You don't understand the joke
2. You're not listening to the conversation so have no idea why people are laughing
3. You understand the context because you have been listening and understand why others think the joke is funny to others but, don't share the same sense of humour
4. You don't understand humour

I'm better when I'm 1-1 with somebody. But it's just not how life is, know what I mean? 99% of the time people congregate in groups.

First piece of advice is to ask questions, listen properly to the reply, then ask a more detailed, interested question.

Stop thinking about how you are coming across and what you should say.

Otherwise there's good advice above.

The thing with being better one to one is that you can have individual one to one conversation even when there's a group of you.

@FlowerArranger But no one else prepares what they are going to talk about. They are able to just walk into a room and talk to anyone and it comes completely naturally.

Speaking as someone who’s struggled socially all her life, and tried really hard to fit in but always seems to be socially rejected anyway... it’s probably ASD. And although I spent years feeling horrified by the idea because I didn’t want anything to be “wrong” with me, I slowly accepted that I’m almost certainly autistic and actually, it’s a massive relief to know that I’m not a defective person!

Try this test: psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

@12345kbm Well I guess I don't find many things that funny. And I don't like forcing myself to laugh.

Maybe yes, maybe no.

You've identified the problem. You think you are different, but you want to be able to interact with these people. Now do what you need to do. It is irrelevant whether others prepare or not.

If your friends keep inviting you, it means that they value you!

Are you happy on your own? Enjoy your own company? You say you prefer 1-1 interaction. Do you think perhaps you're an introvert? Try something like the Myers Briggs Type Inventory (look it up online) and see where you are on the introvert-extrovert spectrum.

I'm really quite introverted, and I've discovered that I really don't enjoy group gatherings and find them draining, so I always arrange to meet friends 1-1. I'm in my 40's now, and don't really care that I'm not 'in with the in crowd'. If I HAVE to do a group social occasion, then I try to find out if there will be a couple of people there that I know, so that I can have a short 1-1 chat with them during the event, and then some of the time I will just hang back and listen/watch. As someone said above, people are usually happy to talk about themselves if you ask them a question. I find social gatherings very tiring, and will usually leave early if I can.

I'm not shy, will talk to anyone on a 1-1 basis, can happily lecture to an audience of hundreds, am known as pleasant and helpful by acquaintances, but no, I won't be going to the fundraiser ball at the end of DS's sports season, I'll be at home with a cuppa!
Have a read of 'Quiet' by Susan Cain, it explains the 'extrovert ideal' that western culture aspires to and how that makes the more introverted among us feel less than. But we're just different, and our way of being is equally valid.

If you're basically extroverted (get your energy from interaction with other people), but unhappy in social situations, then it could be social anxiety or possibly autistic traits as per PP.

I'm like Jeezoh - I prefer meeting up with a few people at a time. Maybe you are just not a group person.

I am introverted am find noisy environments draining.

It doesn't sound as they're a fit for you OP. I don't hang around with people that I have to force myself to get along with. I get bored easily and if I was with people laughing at things I just didn't find funny, I'd move on.

Do you find yourself grateful that people want to spend time with you and don't consider that you may not want to spend time with them?

I recently posted something similar to your issue. I don’t talk much in a group and feel like I just sit there and say nothing and it’s so clear that I’m the only one not talking and then I get really embarrassed and if I do try to speak up my voice is all wavy and my face is so bright red and then I realise I’m the colour of a beetroot and I go even more red and then I just give up all together.

I am trying to gain some confidence as that’s what I think it boils down to so I have started with small steps such as posting happy birthday messages on Facebook instead of in a private message. It’s only a small step but makes me feel like I am being heard. I have posted a few comments on status recommending Netflix series and what not and I have had small talk with someone in a supermarket recently. I don’t want to try too hard and set myself up for feeling like a failure.

You are interesting though and people do want to listen to your opinions and thoughts. I feel (like with myself) that maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to speak therefore your mind draws a blank.

Do you feel comfortable in your group of friends?

@BemidjiMinnesota Thank you I will give those books a try. Do you think the books on their own will be enough or should I see a therapist as well. I think someone like a coach would be more suitable than a therapist. Know what I mean?