How can I improve my terrible social skills? (adult)

[skittleboy]

I'm in my 20s and I am not shy or socially anxious as such I'm just so terrible at interacting with people especially in groups. Absolutely terrible, awful, awful, awful. I must come across as so boring and uninteresting.

If I'm with a group of six friends sat around a table everyone else is talking constantly, laughing joking and I'm just sat their awkwardly not saying a word, not sure where to look. And if everyone starts laughing at someones joke I will force a smile on my face so I don't look grumpy but it's so fake. It's horrible.

Sometimes during a night out I will sit there getting more and more frustrated at how inadequate I am and I have to leave early, go home and start throwing my things across the room and breaking them out of anger at how much of a failure I am.

I have no idea who to turn to for help. Probably because my problem doesn't exist, just with me. Everyone else is perfect.

The clique answer is 'just do more and you will improve'. People mean well when they say that but it just wont work. I go out all the time and it makes no difference.

What can I do?

Thank you

I think it's best to treat this as an ongoing project as a previous poster suggested and to try both books and therapy, but books first because you might get a sudden 'eureka' moment (as I did!) and they will help you understand yourself and your interactions much better.

A professional therapist, registered with [[https://www.bacp.co.uk/ BACP]] would be best. They have accreditation, have to do regular professional development to keep their knowledge up to date and are bound by rules of confidentiality. Coaches are not a registered profession, anybody could set themselves up as a coach without any training or oversight. Also the root of most social awkwardness is based in lack of confidence, and this is something that a therapist can unpick with you. Maybe after therapy you would want to go to a coach to get assistance from their particular specialism (public speaking, assertiveness etc.), but it's best to start with improving your confidence and build up from there.

There's an app called Blinkist which condenses non fiction books down to a few pages so you can read them in 10 minutes. You can pay to subscribe to the full version, but the free version gives you one free 'blink' (condensed book) a day, and these are often about interpersonal skills and building better relationships with people. They are worth a look, and if you find a 'blink' that interests you you can buy the full book.

OP, I think of myself as outgoing but actually often feel like you in a social setting unless it's connected to a specific shared interest. Clearly people like you or you wouldn't be invited out in the group. But you may be happier in a group which is very focused on a single shared passion - a hobby or sport, fan club or a book group.

Also if you google workshops on social interaction, there are loads of them which a) proves you are not the only person who needs help with it and b) that there may be teachable skills and tricks to overcome this problem.

I just googled and found this course . I have googled before on behalf of my autistic son and found other courses so there must be a few on offer.

Do you remember what you talked about last time you saw them so you can ask how did the meeting / wedding/ film go?
I think the prob is that you are so unrelated that you can't easily chip in.
In groups there are usually some who are closer to others and they can have a relaxed conversation as they know a lot about the other person. If you join a group like this it's easy to be left out.
I would join groups where you are doing something , not just chatting. I don't like groups unless I know them v well.

@ScreamingLadySutch Is that book 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' for someone like me? It sounds like a book for a business person trying to sell stuff when I looked it up on amazon.

Have a look at the reviews.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/4865.How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People

It's a classic.

You may be an introvert, as PP have said. I don’t find bigger gatherings much fun. I can’t concentrate on what one person is saying if there are three or four conversations going on. I get tired out by large gatherings and need a lie down afterwards. A clue about introversion - does being with others give or take energy for you? I’d much rather hang out with friends 1-1.