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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Creepy man is imagining things that never happened

37 replies

Trello · 14/03/2020 09:35

To cut a long story short, I became friends with a much older man at work (30+ years my senior). It started innocent enough, but gradually he he started to change and try for physical affection with me, including holding my shoulders and kissing me on the lips. Insisting on hugs and holding my hand etc. Getting jealous when I spoke to male colleagues. Messaging me with declarations of love etc.... as a result I avoided him whenever I could, which meant changing my work hours to come in later so I wouldn't be alone with him, and stopped messaging him back. All I wanted was a friendship in my new job.

I didn't tell HR because I didn't want the fall out - plus I was worried I would be blamed somehow.

Anyway, he has started to message me outside work again, and said he wants to be friends like the beginning. I said I don't think that's possible because I know what he thinks and what he wants. And I know he will try his luck again.

He then asked 'why did you say you love me when we went to x'

I did not go to x with him or ever say I loved him. He insists this happened, he said he remembers everything but this certainly didn't happen. The fact he's possibly imagining scenarios in his head and thinking they are real concerning me is scaring me. He's in his 60s so I don't know if he has a health condition possibly. But I'm worried about what he's imagining happened between us.

OP posts:

category12 · 14/03/2020 09:41

Hello again.

The advice is the same. Stop contact. Block him on your personal phone and social media. Look for another job and only permit job-related conversation within working hours and have no contact outside of working hours. Go to HR.

Fatted · 14/03/2020 09:42

Report him to HR. Block all contact. Report him to the police for harassment.

Nolie100 · 14/03/2020 09:43

I think you need to log this with the police too. His behaviour is disturbing. I would log it with HR too.

Doing nothing or ignoring it has only worsened the situation.

Gingernaut · 14/03/2020 09:45

He sexually assaulted you and is harassing you.

Tell HR.

emilybrontescorsett · 14/03/2020 09:46

Tell your line manager immediately and tell HR.
Block his number and do not reply to any contact he gets to make.
Let H.R deal with him.

picklemewalnuts · 14/03/2020 09:48

As above. No softening, no weakness.

Did you say in another thread that he is married?

SharkAttack1972 · 14/03/2020 09:49

Is it possible that he said those things 'written didn't as evidence in case u reported him?

SharkAttack1972 · 14/03/2020 09:49

'written down '

Original poster

Trello · 14/03/2020 09:51

Yes he is married

OP posts:

Babybel90 · 14/03/2020 09:59

What!? He’s kissing you in the lips and holding your hand and you didn’t want to make a fuss? Report report report!

picklemewalnuts · 14/03/2020 10:03

Ok, well when you asked before about whether his wife would want to know, I was the poster who said 'I'd kick his arse and tell him not to be an old fool'. I've changed my mind- she needs to know. He isn't mooning about like a puppy with a crush, he's got a serious issue and so do you and his wife. You need to get this sorted.

Are you holding back because before he started being creepy he was rather sweet? You appreciated his friendship?

Why are you holding back?

Original poster

Trello · 14/03/2020 10:06

I suppose I'm holding back because it would cause huge trouble at work, and secondly because I'm worried I could be blamed somehow for not cutting communication sooner. I don't want people to think I lead him on or something

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/03/2020 10:08

You need to report this to HR,

But, even if you had said you loved him when you went to xxx (and it would be helpful if you could prove that it was the case that you were never at X with him, ie, show that you were somewhere else at the time), you can still withdraw your love at any time! It shouldn't matter if you were ever involved with someone in any way, you can tell them subsequently to get to fuck and leave you alone.

He's crossed so many lines here. I agree that he's put that message to try to show that 'led him on' and are now reporting him out of...what, jealousy? Will he say he turned you down and you are now a mad woman out for revenge?

A quiet word with HR. You can show that you changed your shifts to avoid him. Any messages you have where you've told him to leave you alone - keep them.

Butterymuffin · 14/03/2020 10:08

How could it cause huge trouble at work? And the longer you leave telling HR, the worse it looks. Bite the bullet now and tell them. Compose and send an email this weekend.

just5morepeas · 14/03/2020 10:10

Can you prove you were somewhere else when he said you were with him?

picklemewalnuts · 14/03/2020 10:10

You really need to get help in this situation.

Apart from anything else it's dominating your life- you've posted often enough that I recognised it and I'm not that sharp!

Sushiroller · 14/03/2020 10:16

I remember thisnfrom before.

Category12 is spot on

He is a gross old man no one is going to think you led him on, and honestly stop worrying about causing him trouble!!!
he hasnt been worried about causing you trouble has he?

BreatheAndFocus · 14/03/2020 10:16

I’d reply to his lie about saying you loved him and going to x very briefly - in one sentence. I’d then add another sentence saying you do not wish to be friends, etc, and then block him on everything.

Stopping messaging him back didn’t work because he’s now started up again. So block him. Some people purposely ignore polite hints so need a stronger message.

Mlou32 · 14/03/2020 10:22

You need to report this to HR. you also need to keep a diary of every single incident. This could become much more sinister so you need to cover your back. Logging an official complaint is the first step.

PicsInRed · 14/03/2020 10:24

Take the advice previously given and then report back for any further advice required.

idontlike789 · 14/03/2020 10:24

Block him .

NoMoreDickheads · 14/03/2020 10:36

Creepy! Report to HR now and block xx

category12 · 14/03/2020 10:47

So what's your alternative? Carrying on as you are isn't working, is it? If you let it drag on and on, it won't get any easier to say something to HR. Are you going to wait until he assaults you? Or you just gonna let him feel you up & whatnot and hope that's enough for him?

creaturcomforts · 14/03/2020 11:03

Please, please report! I had to post as I was in a similar situation, that a senior to me older man that I worked closely with started with touching and it quickly escalated, I was followed about had sexual comments made by him and let me just say that in this situation they very clearly know what they are doing and don't care.

I lost a lot of weight, became stressed and like a fool I didn't report it as I didn't want it going around and people talking and it's ridiculous but I felt hugely embarrassed, it didn't help that he made comments to the effect that I was leading him along.

It became much worse and I couldn't cope and left a job that I loved and worked for 15 years. I never told anyone, I just wanted to get away from him.

It's normal to feel worried about the backlash and people knowing and he will bank on this too and could become worse, it already sounds very stalkerish. He should not get away with this and you are not at fault but you need to take your evidence and be very factual about your manner in reporting him. You sound a bit like I was in not wanting to make a fuss and he will have decided wether you are the sort of person he can get away with this in his behaviour.

Please don't let him get away with this, I really regret not reporting when I had the chance, and he's already too possessive and controlling, not a nice person at all and not to be trusted. I wish you the best of luck op xx

ShamefulBlanket · 14/03/2020 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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