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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone faithful?

42 replies

herewegoagain123456 · 13/03/2020 22:18

Jesus....recently I am starting to realise that not many people are faithful or trustworthy?

I'm starting to think I should of stayed with my ex as everyone seems to cheat or message other girls it's just if they clever enough not to get found out! Which my ex wasn't!

But since I have been single....the amount of taken or married men that have messaged me is unreal!

I think I'm going to stay single forever or take my ex back....really not sure HmmShock

OP posts:
Tennisp · 13/03/2020 22:28

A sign of our times I think. I have no idea what has happened to (some) men. They are not all like that though. But dating these days is dire. One of the reasons I'm still single.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 13/03/2020 22:29

Don't take the ex back. My life ex is good looking and buff as..but he just told me we what I wanted to hear and abused me. Yes I still miss him. It's fucked up but I'm not going back. I'm slowly starting to learn my worth. And you know to kick them into touch when you see those red flags waving

MauriceandAlec · 13/03/2020 22:35

No, not everyone is unfaithful. Ditch those you've found who are if you have agreed to be exclusive and don't take your ex back. He lied. Don't waste your time with lying people, they have no respect for themselves so won't have it for you. It takes a lot to admit that it's not working, so you need to split and move on rather than cheat. I've been there. I couldn't do that to my ex. We were dead in the water for years before, but rather than cheat, we split up and it was the same with my ex h before, we got to an impasse about having kids, so instead of cheat, we got a divorce. And anyone who has self-respect won't take up with someone married.

MauriceandAlec · 13/03/2020 22:39

Split, work on yourself and your boundaries and self-esteem and what you want or don't, become able to be happy in your own company, it's the only way you'll ever know true happiness.

wobblywinelover · 13/03/2020 23:00

I feel the same OP and there's nothing wrong with my boundaries, this has happened to me too and i've been hit on so many times by married men or those partnered up. I'm not going to be victim blamed. All these people telling you advice that you've got to change and alter this or that are wrong! It's the unfaithful men who should be changing. Sometimes women are the worst people to give advice to people who are dating- some of them have been married for years or are happily coupled up and think they are some sort of experts even though they've been nowhere near a dating site recently. Don't start thinking there's something wrong with you OP. As women on here we should be supporting each other, not slagging each other off for making 'mistakes' which were impossible to forsee

Elieza · 13/03/2020 23:12

Don’t take him back. You’ll meet your guy when it’s the right time. ‘What’s for you will not go by you’ as the saying goes.

Boxerbinky · 14/03/2020 05:15

Me and my dh are faithful. I've had my share of a.hole ex's and though my dh is certainly not perfect, I feel very secure and thankfully still in love and lust after 5 years together.

I dated another guy before my now dh and though we were not a good fit, he too was faithful and actually restored my faith that there are good men out there.

I would not advise going back to a cheating ex because you can't find anyone better! Better to take time to work on yourself, I did and it made me much more confident.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 06:05

Personally, I think most people will cheat at some point in their lives. I think people need to discuss their true feelings more openly and feel free to pursue a polyamorous life if that’s what they would prefer.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 06:13

In my current situation, I have young children and my partner and I are not intimate anymore. However I do love him and we are a family. If he needed sex, I would actually agree to him sleeping with someone else - so long as we stayed together as a family.

Namechangedyorkshire · 14/03/2020 06:51

@ceejay54321

How do you know he doesn't want sex? Assume you have discussed it?

You only have to read on here the utter frustration and distress it causes when one partner withdraws from a sexual relationship. You are unusual if both of you don't wish to have that,

For me it would be the end. I couldn't stand the thought of him with another women in bed and what that entails but equally if I refused then I would understand him wanting to separate.

But yes Op a lot of people are not faithful...including women. Although last primary school stage there were not in insignificant number of other mums engaging in extra marital sex. I call it that as for them wasn't so much a relationship but just enjoying sex with someone else when kids at school. Personal trainers were a favourite !

whiteroseredrose · 14/03/2020 06:57

Yes. So is DH. But I didn't get married until 30 and had a couple of dodgy relationships early on which meant that I knew which 'type' to avoid!

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 07:24

@Namechangedyorkshire We haven’t discussed it. Our daily discussions revolve around our children - and then for me a good night is asleep by 8pm! He never tries, I never try - I think it’s mutual. Personally - I could stand the thought of him in bed with another woman, it wouldn’t end our relationship.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 07:34

And I don’t want to sound flippant, because I know affairs cause a great deal of distress - but my mum said once that she’d find it amusing if my dad had an affair - I’m afraid I feel the same way??

TheStuffedPenguin · 14/03/2020 07:37

@ceejay54321

I think people need to discuss their true feelings more openly but also We haven’t discussed it

If you haven't been there then you have NO idea how it feels . You certainly sound that as if you are on the way .

KonTikki · 14/03/2020 07:40

Ceejay: Personally I think that is a very mature and thoughtful way of approaching your family life together.
Extramarital sex does not need to be a deal breaker for everyone, but good communication is key to making any marriage work.
Everyone sets their own boundaries.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 07:53

Thanks Kon - agree it’s definitely about boundary setting. And a discussion that is very difficult to have.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 07:55

But also to be aware that boundaries may change throughout your relationship - I never knew the absolute tsunami of having children would have on my sex drive!

WanderingLost167 · 14/03/2020 07:58

Ceejay, as someone who had an affair, it's so blithe to say extramarital sex would be OK because I went looking for that and fell in love with the person

How would you feel then? That sex in a hotel would be OK, but what if they talked a lot? Went out for dinner? Where's the line?

Original poster
herewegoagain123456 · 14/03/2020 08:02

Yea it's just mad really!

I loved my ex more than anyone and will probably never love anyone like that again. But he lied and cheated!

But now I'm thinking everyone will lie and cheat and I doubt I will ever find anyone that I love that much again so may aswel stay with that liar than find another one I don't love as much Hmm

OP posts:
Boxerbinky · 14/03/2020 08:03

I agree that unfaithful is a relative term, but those definitions must be discussed and agreed upon. If my dh were to message someone on a dating site, even if I knew (and how could I know) that he didn't intend to meet someone for sex, this would be cheating to me and he knows that.

If you are happy for your dh to look for extra marital sex because that suits you both, that is your business, but those are very easy lines to blur. What happens if feelings for the sexual partner develop?

The men the op is talking about probably don't have their partners approval, they are likely being unfaithful based on the commitment they have made to their oh.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 08:05

Wandering - ideally, it would be discussed. If he fell in love? I guess he’s a free person, and if that happened and he wanted to be with her more than me - we’d have to have some kind of resolution where our children were still supported.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 08:07

But I imagine it would be more of a FWB situation!

WanderingLost167 · 14/03/2020 08:07

I wish that was my situation ceejay, but women can be very very possessive of who they marry.

ceejay54321 · 14/03/2020 08:08

Actually ideally, we’d all live in a commune - his affair partner could be there too..

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